January 7, 2009
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The Daily News 
1 So...the other day I bought a gallon of Fat Free Organic Milk, because I'm a natural and sensitive kinda guy.
2 Actually, I THOUGHT I bought a gallon of NORMAL milk, you know, the kind that includes poisons, pesticides, chemicals, etc. But my daughter Nicole took a git off the milk and almost did a spit-take. "Who bought THIS?" she inquired.
3 I had no idea what she was talking about. I had thrown down a two-second glass earlier in the day and noticed very little.
4 But it's my nature to eat and drink fast. It's a terrible habit, but I've always been in jobs that have severe deadlines, so quite often my meals have to be quick so I can move on to the next big thing.
5 When I was younger, people would have called that a "death wish".
6 It made sense, I imagine. What are you speeding along for? If you're constantly on the go, then isn't that your ultimate destination?
7 And I was young when some guy told me that. I sat up for about two nights worrying about my mental state.
8 Didn't help.
9 I'm still a mess.
10 But I digress.
11 After Nicole drank the milk, she looked at the bottle and said it was organic milk.
12 I said, "Organic? Lemme see that!"
13 Sure enough, it said, "Organic" on it.
14 I took a swig, right out the bottle, you know how you do.
15 It tasted a lot more like powdered Imodium than it did milk, I must say.
16 What exactly constitutes "organic" anyway?
17 Isn't everything essentially "organic" since it' comes somewhere out of the Earth?
18 Or are the cows eating grass that has no pesticides?
19 Is there anything in 2009 that doesn't have some hint of pollutions and poisons?
20 I have to go back to Vonnegut's idea that we really do need a Secretary of the Future.
21 Anyway it really didn't taste THAT bad. I'm just not used to it.
22 Somewhere grazing in the hills there are green cows.
23 Moving on: Now that Obama has chosen a non-CIA guy to head the CIA, I'm outraged. How can we possibly rule the world if we can't invade places arbitrarily, waterboard, stretch people taller, and replace whole countries with the people we want? And how can we feel safe if we can't listen in on peoples' phone calls?
24 Color me worried. Ah, I pine for the good ol' days of the Cold War.
25 Moving on, Part the Second: As always, I'm about a three days late and a dollar short on everything, so I finally have enrolled in some new college classes at the very prestigious University of Phoenix.
26 I was supposed to have done this about four years ago but I've always been too busy. So I'm playing desperate catch-up. I'm shooting for twelve units by the end of summer, and fifteen by next year.
27 I decided to go the online route. So my first day of class was yesterday.
28 I literally went online and entered this monolith of links and instructions, and instantly scrambled all over the place trying to figure out where to go, what do do, which things to download, which orientation videos to watch and all the rest.
29 I was actually pretty chill about it, figuring that billions of other people do this every day, so I went along with it. I had already been preparing for around a week, but still, when they finally opened the virtual gates, I was pulled all over the online campus.
30 And it costs a small fortune.
31 Sounds like real college. I thought about trying out for the basketball team but they don't have one.
32 I'm sorta thinking of pumping up my own and starting one.
33 It's pretty stunning returning to being a student after having taught for a billion years. Last night at about eleven p.m. I finally found my classroom.
34 The teacher was packing up her stuff when I burst in.
35 "Am I late? Did I miss anything important? Don'tcha know me?"
36 Ha cha cha cha cha!
The late, great Jimmy Durante wid a little ha-cha cha!37 Almost all true. I am doing six units by April, truly. So it's exciting going back to school.
38 Two days late and a dollar short, but I'm finally there.
39 Have a great Wednesday, willya?
40 Go green
41 Peace.
~H~
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