The Daily News
1 “Hey stupid! This thing ain’t gonna write itself.”
2 My own mind hollered at me while I was dreaming into the three a.m.
3 “Hydrate.”
4 That’s the first thing I do. I drink around a quart of Crystal Light, let the dog out, and sit down to write this balderdash.
5 The process of writing the DN is interesting.
6 I first hydrate. I’ve been on a health kick lately, so salad with lots of veggies and vitamins, and then early to bed.
7 Something always occurs to me right in the middle of dreaming, and by the time I awaken, this stupid thing is already written.
8 <basketball buzzer> No, it isn’t.
9 I then go to my laptop hoping it will fire up.
10 It often doesn’t. I use wet matches, flicking lighters, flint and steel, and kicks in the pants before it finally decides to turn on.
11 When did it ever come to this?
12 I go to my age old-AOL account to see if I have any emails. I have about thirteen bazillion, all from people trying to sell stuff to old people.
13 I spend the first ten minutes of each morning deleting.
14 I also look for top stories, like what dress Tori Amos is wearing, or how North Korea almost obliterated us yesterday.
15 Or how the Niners acquired some guy whose parents named him Anquan.
16 I almost named Nicole that, but thought better of it.
17 Once I realize I’ve wasted half my morning looking at fake news, I go on Facebook. I go on Facebook mainly to see if there are any pictures of me doing a cannonball into a swimming pool. I have a hair-trigger delete button on my puter.
18 I have to be vigilant about that, because even the thought…yeesh.
19 I must needs obliterate any picture of myself, for the most part. I am convinced that every picture I take captures me in transition from human being to horse.
20 I then think of topics.
21 Writing the DN is a continual race against time. I have the middle of the night to produce these mad ramblings, and then I need to get back under the covers for a final hour of sleep.
22 In between I must think of things. I try during the day, but I’m usually too exhausted to come up with anything worth a darn.
23 Because this goes through Xanga, I get this message each morning:
24 “You have no friends.”
26 I always laugh. I don’t work this thing as a “blog” with all it’s links and stuff.
27 I just write it, send it out, and have no idea who the heck reads it.
28 If I have no friends, so be it. There’s this little area that says “Friends.” Each morning it says, “You have no friends.” It always gives me a chuckle.
29 For the record,I don’t feel lonely at all.
30 That always make me laugh.
31 “You have no friends.”
32 Poor little guy.
33 I do have readers.
34 That much I know.
35 I am so gangsta.
36 I’m a O.G.
37 Original Gangsta.
38 I even bought an Original Gangsta hat yesterday.
39 I got home and it was too small for my Original Gangsta head.
40 It reminded me of my daughters’ story about when they danced at some school recital wearing tiny cowboy hats.
41 I have to return it. Nice hat. Too small for my noggin.
42 Today I’ll replace it with an O.G. hat that fits. I’ll angle it just so.
43 Moving on, Part One: TCM is flickering a special about Greer Garson. Keith Carradine narrated the following:
44 She was a blazing inferno.
45 She was just plain sexy.
46 Nothing short of magical.
47 Those are the words of Keith Carradine.
48 He always struck me as a tad creepy.
49 That is why I didn’t put a picture of him.
50 Small children might look at this and be scarred for life.
51 Greer Garson, on the other hand, was beautiful, at least from the right side. It is difficult to see her left cheek in any pictures. She must have had pimples or a rash or something on her left cheek, because all her pictures face the same way.
52 Moving on, Part Two: “STOP! NOBODY CARES ABOUT GREER GARSON’S CHEEKS!”
53 We have awakened my frabjously idiotic mind once more.
54 It is usually true. I couldn’t care less about Greer Garson’s cheeks.
55 I believe it’s time to put this baby to bed.
56 I can’t get more sleep today because there’s a Greer Garson flickering at me.
57 Meanwhile, this thing isn’t going to write itself.
58 Moving on, Part the Thoid: If you wait a half hour past sunset tonight, and if you look to the West, you should see a comet. That’s the best thing I could share on this lonely Tuesday.
59 Look to the skies.
60 “Cheeky.” —Paul McCartney, A Hard Day’s Night.
61 See you again.
62 Peace.
~H~
www.xanga.com/bharrington
The Daily News1 “Hey stupid! This thing ain’t gonna write itself.”2 My own mind hollered at me while I was dreaming into the three a.m.3 “Hydrate.”4 That’s the first thing I do. I drink around a quart of Crystal Light, let the dog out, and sit down to write this balderdash.5 The process of writing the DN is interesting.6 I first hydrate. I’ve been on a health kick lately, so salad with lots of veggies and vitamins, and then early to bed.7 Something always occurs to me right in the middle of dreaming, and by the time I awaken, this stupid thing is already written.8 <basketball buzzer> No, it isn’t.9 I then go to my laptop hoping it will fire up.10 It often doesn’t. I use wet matches, flicking lighters, flint and steel, and kicks in the pants before it finally decides to turn on.11 When did it ever come to this?12 I go to my age old-AOL account to see if I have any emails. I have about thirteen bazillion, all from people trying to sell stuff to old people.13 I spend the first ten minutes of each morning deleting.14 I also look for top stories, like what dress Tori Amos is wearing, or how North Korea almost obliterated us yesterday.15 Or how the Niners acquired some guy whose parents named him Anquan.16 I almost named Nicole that, but thought better of it.17 Once I realize I’ve wasted half my morning looking at fake news, I go on Facebook. I go on Facebook mainly to see if there are any pictures of me doing a cannonball into a swimming pool. I have a hair-trigger delete button on my puter.18 I have to be vigilant about that, because even the thought…yeesh.19 I must needs obliterate any picture of myself, for the most part. I am convinced that every picture I take captures me in transition from human being to horse.20 I then think of topics.21 Writing the DN is a continual race against time. I have the middle of the night to produce these mad ramblings, and then I need to get back under the covers for a final hour of sleep.22 In between I must think of things. I try during the day, but I’m usually too exhausted to come up with anything worth a darn.23 Because this goes through Xanga, I get this message each morning:24 “You have no friends.”25
26 I always laugh. I don’t work this thing as a “blog” with all it’s links and stuff.27 I just write it, send it out, and have no idea who the heck reads it.28 If I have no friends, so be it. There’s this little area that says “Friends.” Each morning it says, “You have no friends.” It always gives me a chuckle.29 For the record,I don’t feel lonely at all.30 That always make me laugh.31 “You have no friends.”32 Poor little guy.33 I do have readers.34 That much I know.35 I am so gangsta.36 I’m a O.G.37 Original Gangsta.38 I even bought an Original Gangsta hat yesterday.39 I got home and it was too small for my Original Gangsta head.40 It reminded me of my daughters’ story about when they danced at some school recital wearing tiny cowboy hats.41 I have to return it. Nice hat. Too small for my noggin.42 Today I’ll replace it with an O.G. hat that fits. I’ll angle it just so.43 Moving on, Part One: TCM is flickering a special about Greer Garson. Keith Carradine narrated the following:44 She was a blazing inferno.45 She was just plain sexy.46 Nothing short of magical.47 Those are the words of Keith Carradine.48 He always struck me as a tad creepy.49 That is why I didn’t put a picture of him.50 Small children might look at this and be scarred for life.51 Greer Garson, on the other hand, was beautiful, at least from the right side. It is difficult to see her left cheek in any pictures. She must have had pimples or a rash or something on her left cheek, because all her pictures face the same way.52 Moving on, Part Two: “STOP! NOBODY CARES ABOUT GREER GARSON’S CHEEKS!”53 We have awakened my frabjously idiotic mind once more.54 It is usually true. I couldn’t care less about Greer Garson’s cheeks.55 I believe it’s time to put this baby to bed.56 I can’t get more sleep today because there’s a Greer Garson flickering at me.57 Meanwhile, this thing isn’t going to write itself.58 Moving on, Part the Thoid: If you wait a half hour past sunset tonight, and if you look to the West, you should see a comet. That’s the best thing I could share on this lonely Tuesday.59 Look to the skies.60 “Cheeky.” —Paul McCartney, A Hard Day’s Night.61 See you again.62 Peace.~H~
www.xanga.com/bharrington
