February 25, 2013
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The Daily News
1 I think I have officially skipped my twenty-first Oscars’ show in a row.
2 I won’t go into why; it’s just a bit too full of glitz, glam, and show-offs for my liking.
3 I really want to see an awards show that awards daily schmucks for hauling their butts out of bed to go to jobs that are utterly tedious and nerve-wracking, and who do so with healthy attitudes.
4 On my way to visit Dad yesterday I started thinking about local awards I would give to certain people who I think work just as hard as people in the Industry.
5 Here are some things awards I came up with:
6 Best Guy Who Carries Around Poison Award: Our Orkin guy, hands down. He is the nicest guy with poison you will ever meet. He sort of looks like a caveman dressed in an Orkin suit. He always smiles and chats. He likes my dog. Just the other day he gave me a handful of glue envelopes for cockroaches. I’m not sure what message I was getting, but I do give him the Best Guy Who Carries Around Poison Award.
7 Best Old Lady Who Works at Walgreens Award: The old white-haired lady at the Walgreens on Landess. She always smiles and says things with this odd manner of speech in which her voice goes from high to low on different syllables. Imagine the caps being high notes and the uncaps being low: ”HAL-lo…HOWA you?….THAT’S nice…HAVE A GOOD day!” She IS Walgreens. Hands down winner.
8 Best Bartender in Town Award: James at Henry’s Hi-Life. No one is better. He always sets me up with free root beers and whistles. He has a stool reserved for Dave Righetti. He lives and dies for his Giants. Ribs, root beer and James. Winner.
9 Best Pho Gal in Town: The little gal who runs the Ca Mau on Quimby Road, right next to Kragen’s. I know what you’re thinking. “He’s a white guy. What does he know about Asian stuff?” Look. I’m not EVEN gonna lie. I’m a big white guy who probably eats more Pho than anyone else in town. This place treats you like you are the mayor. It is clean, friendly, and even features veggie pho! The lady who runs the place is the nicest person on the planet, and she works her tail off every single day. She deserves this reward. Winner.
10 Best School Custodians: We have three winners. Rafa, Vernon, and Francisco, the holy trio at my school. They’ll do anything for you, and all three are friendly and helpful. Great dudes. Trifecta. winners.
11 Best Waiters in Town. The guys on the night shift during the week at Original Joe’s downtown. They are STILL the best, even after the passing of the late, great Randy Ritchie. These guys are fast, witty, and and quick to clean up a spill. AND they are already dressed in Award Show tuxes. Winners.
12 Best Underrated Bookstore Greeter: The guy at Barnes and Noble at Eastridge. He doesn’t say much, but no one is better. Probably because no one else does that.
13 Best Small Store Owner: The gal who runs the former 7-11 on Cropley. She calls everyone who comes in, “Friend,” and sometimes gives people down on their luck free coffee or sandwiches. She is a saint. Plus she loves her dog with all her heart. I walk in and she lights up, and says, “Hi Friend!” Sweet gal. Total winner.
14 Best Local Icon: The Beehive Lady of Berryessa. She’s this lady who is up there in years but still sports a 50′s beehive do. She can be seen at Bingo parties, art and wine fairs, churches, and anywhere where there are horses.
15 Best Crossing Guards: Any that don’t smile, point, or wave at cars.
16 Best Roadside Owner: The owner of the Swanton Berry Farm near Davenport. Not only does he have a nostalgic, quaint place, he also has the best spiced apple cider on the planet. AND he has free jam tasting. AND he runs the place on an honor system! You get what you want, you go to this banking box, you pay what you need, and you make your own change. I’m too East Side to rap my head around that one.
17 Best Homeless Guy: The guy who sits outside the Starbuck’s by Mi Pueblo on the Capitol Expressway and Story. He dresses in a Cat-in-the-Hat sort of outfit, decorates the rocks on the island he has usurped, and often holds a sign that says, “Shitty Advice.” I’ve almost asked him stuff a number of times, just to see what kinds of advice he gives. Technically, he has to schlep off to that job too, and he occasionally gets run off by the cops, but he seems more contented than most people walking around. He seems to be a mellow fellow. He is far and away the Best Homeless Guy in Town. Winner.
18 Best News Reporter: This guy. Nah. Just kidding. I had to throw that in.
19 The Best News Reporter: Joe Rodriguez of the Merc News. Winner.
20 Best Sportswriter: Purdy. Winner.
21 Best Artist: The guy who sold the town aldermen on the idea that a Pile-of-Poop statue should be our city’s showcase work of art. It was supposed to look something like this:
22 But it came out like this:
23 Are you also amazed and no not what to say?
24 Another blow against the Empire.
25 Sue me. Sue me.
26 Shoot bullets through me.
27 Moving on, Part the First: Anybody else enjoy the tease of the past few days? I went to the beach twice, and yesterday at noon I sat with my Dad in his backyard eating a sandwich and listening to the ball game. Birds tweeted, baseball played, and I pretended I was at the game.
28 With John Miller announcing, I WAS at the game.
29 Nothing like a sunny day sitting around listening to a ball game with your Dad.
30 Spring fever.
31 Moving on, Part Two: I told my Dad that I have been eating healthier lately. We fell into a conversation about healthy eating, and it moved to Tahoe, as do many of our conversations.
32 I told him that one of my favorite pizzas is this veggie Greek salad pizza at this pub called The Brewery in South Tahoe.
33 He asked me where it was, and I told him it was about a mile south of Harrah’s, near the Bikini store.
35 I also told him that every time my daughters would talk about going to the Brewery and the Bikini store, I always quip, “We should go today. I hear the Bikinis are half off!” ,groan!>
36 Not my fault! Not my fault! Get off me!
37 Dad asked if I could help him do a little yard work the other day, and for some reason his electric edger wasn’t working. He asked me if I could take a knife and do the edging on the front lawn, and I said, “Sure.” I was wearing shorts, so I went into his garage to get a small board that I could kneel on so my knees wouldn’t get grass-stained.
38 He had mowed most of the lawn, and then sat down in a chair and said, “I’m out of gas.”
39 I said, “Well, you’re not a young guy.”
40 He said, “I ran out of gas, and the gas container is also out of gas. I gas we can’t cut the lawn.”
41 Apple.
42 Tree.
43 I returned to trimming the grass using a knife and a board to protect my knees.
44 After a while he walked over to see how I was doing. I looked up and said, “You know why I’m doing this, don’t you?”
45 He looked slightly confused.
46 “Because I’m bored of education!” <you are hereby entitled to a second groan.>
47 I’m not really. I had a pretty restful week, and a fun weekend with my Dad. I’m tanned, rested, and ready.
48 I think I’ll put this guy to bed for the night.
49 I need a little more rest before I jump back into the pool that is school.
50 Lousy analogy, but then, when haven’t I delivered them?
51 I like that it showed where my mind is right now.
52 Half-off=Bikini puns, pools, and summer.
53 It all has to start somewhere.
54 So we’re baaaaaack!
55 It’s Monday. Fly low. Avoid the miscreants. Coffee break is over. Back on your heads. Old joke. I’ll tell it some other time. See you again.
56 Peace.
~H~
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