January 7, 2013

• It’s
  2013!!!
  
  

   
  

  The Daily News

  1   Like the new look?

  
  

  2   We’re baaaaaaaccccckkkkkk!!!

  
  

  3   Hope you had a hoot-n-hollerin’ vacay. I’m so hip. “Vacay.” Yee-uh!!!
  

  
  

  4   I realized a coupla things during this stretch.

  
  

  5   The first thing I realized was my top two favorite products. 

  
  

  6   The first is the invention of Starbuck’s. All things Starbuck’s are cool with me. 

  
  

  7    The second, if not the first, is the invention of Downey fabric softener.

  
  

  8   What’s better, I ask you?

  
  

  9   You could suddenly be on one of the hottest dates in the history of man, but no cologne will work better than Downey. 

  
  

  10  So many men in particular are knuckleheads in this regard. 

  
  

  11  Dude. 

  
  

  12  A woman prefers that a man does his own laundry AND freshens it than they prefer all the Axe in the universe.  

  
  

  13  To them, you’re just a piece of Axe.

  
  

  14  <so sorry!> <groan!> Anyone lookin’?
  

  
  

  15   Hey, first DN of ’13. Get off me.

  
  

  16   That makes this…(doing the math) the DN’s 17th year in operation. 

  
  

  17   <whistle blowers, buzzers and endless root beers>

  
  

  18   Think you, think you, think you!

  
  

  19   <anyone comin’ at me?>

  
  

  20   So I go out to the backyard to begin Christmas breakdown, and the next thing I do is slip and crack open my lip. 

  
  

  21   This was two day’s ago.

  
  

  22   Insta elephant man. 

  
  

  23   I had what looked like this HUGE gash on my upper right lip, right on the kisser.

  
  

  24  
  

  
  

  
  

  25   Okay, okay. Get off me. Gone are the days.
  

  
  

  26    Anywho, I kept looking in the mirror thinking, “You UG-ly dawg!”

  
  

  27   I wasn’t THAT bummed out, because life will split your lip now and again. Just does. 

  
  

  28   When you reach my age, you don’t need any added help in looking bad. 

  
  

  29   After around thirty, all you want to do is not so much try to look good, but try to avoid looking bad. 

  
  

  30   So here I am, the day before school starts, with a map of Russia hanging off my upper lip.

  
  

  31   I put some sort of anti-bacterial balm or other on the it, but expected no results. 

  
  

  32   I decided to get out of the house and do a little shopping, or anything, just to see if the citizens would begin screaming, “KILL THE MONSTER!!!”

  
  

  33   I went to Lowe’s, and Helene wanted to look at virtually everything in the joint, and I don’t blame her. We remodeled last year, but never really completed the task, so it was like a fun thing to do at the end of the vacay. Vacay, baby.
  

  
  

  34   At one point though, we walked down the bathroom mirrors’ section. Mirrors surrounded me. Mirrors gave that wound 10X optical zoom. I was mortified. Some store helper who looked like Rod Serling asked me if I was finding everything I needed. 

  
  

  35   I punched him in the face and ran into an aisle that was…a mirror! I crashed through the mirror only to realize I was just in another aisle, that there was no Rod Serling, and that I was just having a moment.

  
  

  
  

  36   I got home, looked in the mirror, and it remained a map of Russia. I swear to you. I put some sort of Neosporin concoction on it and watched a little football. 

  
  

  37   I was really upset, because I knew that tomorrow students would be saying, “Mr. H, what happened to your mouth?”

  
  

  38   I thought of all sorts of answers.

  
  

  39   “I fell out of my sleigh.”

  
  

  40    ”Get thee to a nunnery.”

  
  

  41    ”You oughta see Tyson.”

  
  

  42   

  
  

  43   Okay we’ll leave that third one out.
  

  
  

  44   At around 3 p.m. yesterday I watched a little football, and accidentally touched the thing.

  
  

  45   It slipped away. Disappeared at my fingertips. It now looks like I maybe sniffed a rose and it scratched me. 

  
  

  46   The surface of the wound slipped off and went straight into the garbage. I instantly washed <and washed, and washed, and washed!> my face, my clothes, and my entire soul. 

  
  

  47   Washing hands is pretty close to soapy praying. I was elated!
  

  
  

  48   AnywayZ…

  
  

  49   I just looked into another mirror. My face is clean and purty, like always.

  50   I still look a little like a kitty scratched me, but it is vastly improved.

  51   No stopping these rugged good looks.

   
  
  

  52   Moving on, Part the First:  So the NHL is back.

  53   Think everyone is going to protest?

  54    Maybe, but I highly doubt it.

  55   San Jose is rejoicing, and I’m glad that a lot of people’s jobs are going to be back.

  56   And it is a fun sport.

  57   But first we have NFL playoffs. I may be going to Saturday’s game.

  58   And pitchers and catchers report in February.

  59   Lots to talk about, but I have to get back to work.

  60   Happy 2013. Let’s make this year rock!

  61   See you again.

  62   Peace.

  ~H~

  

  www.xanga.com/bharrington

  

  
  

  • 10:02 am
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