1 I am on the “I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-a-Mess-in-the-Kitchen” Diet.
2 Here’s how it works:
3 You come home crabby, because work sucks this time of year. It interferes strongly with the entire Christmas Holiday Goof-off Mentality.
4 So I came home crabby yesterday, no reason ‘cept ’tis the season.
5 So the first thing you do on the “I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-a-Mess-in-the-Kitchen” Diet is you stop at a Valero station and buy two mini-bags of some cheap snack, say Cheez-its.
6 Throw them on your car seat, because San Jose doesn’t honor bags.
7 We have gone green, which means that all our embarrassing purchases are hand held, if we are honoring the green.
8 Two mini-bags of Cheez-its are fine.
9 When you start getting into larger, more embarrassing products like prune juice and pickles, complete strangers look at you funny. Even creepers make judgments on the various products you are baglessly juggling. Your life becomes a cartoon.
20 But I digress.
21 Let us return to the diet.
22 You go home and pour yourself a huge beverage. I personally have become addicted to Sunny Select Crystal Light raspberry in a tall glass, iced down. I down three of those, chilled to the bone. I figure it must make up at least five of the fantasy eight glasses of water a day we are supposed to have according to nobody.
23 Next, you open your fridge and scan for any vegetables that don’t have brown, or holes in them.
24 I found some lettuce yesterday that still looked almost serve-ably good.
25 You cut the brown off and chop up the clean pieces, and then place them aside. Throw all the muck into the garbage.
26 You then get a small piece of cheese, any sort, and both a small and a huge bowl.
27 You cut a three-inch piece of block cheese in half.
28 You crack open the Cheez-its and pour them in the small bowl.
29 Next, you pour yourself another Sunny Select Crystal Light, iced down.
30 You eat a Cheez-it and half the cheese you just cut.
31 You then put your iPod or iPhone into the dock, and play some music you love.
32 You next scan your fridge for more veggies. Hopefully you keep a lot around, although they do have a tendency to either disappear or to turn to some sort of odd mish mash.
33 Sidebar: That’s twice I have used “mish-mash” in the past week. Spell check or whatever it’s called keeps blowing the whistle on that one, but it is spelled correctly.
34 But I digress.
35 You next pour yourself another tall Sunny Select Crystal Light, iced down.
36 You turn up the music and grab a wooden spoon, and pretend it is a microphone. You impersonate your favorite star for a third of the song.
37 Whoops. left out a part of the recipe.
38 You first pull the shades so your neighbors don’t think you are an idiot.
39 You next look at the vegetables you have and put them on some newspaper.
40 You then take out the biggest plate you have and begin cutting the veggies into a salad.
41 You munch on a few Cheez-its.
42 Hopefully you have enough veggies to make a large salad. If not, just look at anything in your cabinets that could remotely go into a salad. Olives are always a good thing. Dry-onion thingies that you occasionally buy and never use might also be a welcome addition.
43 Just make lots, and use lots of fresh veggies. You could even cut up some apples if you like.
44 Throw in stuff you like.
45 Be certain that you cut some cheese into any salad. Hard-boiled eggs make a nice filler as well.
46 Next, take any three of the six-thousand dressings you have on the arm of your refrigerator door and mix them together, with a slight hint of mustard. Clean that part of the refrigerator door. You’ll love yourself.
47 Cut up some arugula if you are uppity.
49 Next, eat the second part of the cheese you cut earlier.
50 Have one last glass of the Sunny Select Crystal Light, iced down.
51 Turn down, but not off, the music and click on an old movie. I find TCM to be a wonderful thing to watch while downing a huge salad and quaffing a Sunny Select CLID.
52 Sit down and enjoy your salad. You just make a HUGE salad, bottom line.
53 As soon as you are done, get a large roll of paper towels and pre-clean the entire mess. Roll veggie garbage in the newspaper and toss it. Instantly rinse any plates, forks, mixing stuff, etc. and put it in the dishwasher.
54 Clean your kitchen entirely and then make coffee for the morning.
55 You won’t want to cook dinner. You’ll goof on the mess you will have to make and then clean up. Your kitchen is clean, and your refrigerator door wiped.
56 Stay up a little later, and then head for bed. Your day sucked, but if you get some nice rest, the next day shouldn’t suck nearly as much.
57 And that’s the “I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-a-Mess-in-the-Kitchen” Diet.
58 Do that every day for a year and your pants will fall down. No worries. With the money you saved on dinners, you can buy new pants.
59 I gottago. Hope you enjoyed this cooking secret.
60 Have a great weekend.
61 Peace.
~H~
www.xanga.com/bharrington
The Daily News1 I am on the “I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-a-Mess-in-the-Kitchen” Diet.2 Here’s how it works:3 You come home crabby, because work sucks this time of year. It interferes strongly with the entire Christmas Holiday Goof-off Mentality.4 So I came home crabby yesterday, no reason ‘cept ’tis the season.5 So the first thing you do on the “I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-a-Mess-in-the-Kitchen” Diet is you stop at a Valero station and buy two mini-bags of some cheap snack, say Cheez-its.6 Throw them on your car seat, because San Jose doesn’t honor bags.7 We have gone green, which means that all our embarrassing purchases are hand held, if we are honoring the green.8 Two mini-bags of Cheez-its are fine.9 When you start getting into larger, more embarrassing products like prune juice and pickles, complete strangers look at you funny. Even creepers make judgments on the various products you are baglessly juggling. Your life becomes a cartoon.20 But I digress.21 Let us return to the diet.22 You go home and pour yourself a huge beverage. I personally have become addicted to Sunny Select Crystal Light raspberry in a tall glass, iced down. I down three of those, chilled to the bone. I figure it must make up at least five of the fantasy eight glasses of water a day we are supposed to have according to nobody.23 Next, you open your fridge and scan for any vegetables that don’t have brown, or holes in them.24 I found some lettuce yesterday that still looked almost serve-ably good.25 You cut the brown off and chop up the clean pieces, and then place them aside. Throw all the muck into the garbage.26 You then get a small piece of cheese, any sort, and both a small and a huge bowl.27 You cut a three-inch piece of block cheese in half.28 You crack open the Cheez-its and pour them in the small bowl.29 Next, you pour yourself another Sunny Select Crystal Light, iced down.30 You eat a Cheez-it and half the cheese you just cut.31 You then put your iPod or iPhone into the dock, and play some music you love.32 You next scan your fridge for more veggies. Hopefully you keep a lot around, although they do have a tendency to either disappear or to turn to some sort of odd mish mash.33 Sidebar: That’s twice I have used “mish-mash” in the past week. Spell check or whatever it’s called keeps blowing the whistle on that one, but it is spelled correctly.34 But I digress.35 You next pour yourself another tall Sunny Select Crystal Light, iced down.36 You turn up the music and grab a wooden spoon, and pretend it is a microphone. You impersonate your favorite star for a third of the song.37 Whoops. left out a part of the recipe.38 You first pull the shades so your neighbors don’t think you are an idiot.39 You next look at the vegetables you have and put them on some newspaper.40 You then take out the biggest plate you have and begin cutting the veggies into a salad.41 You munch on a few Cheez-its.42 Hopefully you have enough veggies to make a large salad. If not, just look at anything in your cabinets that could remotely go into a salad. Olives are always a good thing. Dry-onion thingies that you occasionally buy and never use might also be a welcome addition.43 Just make lots, and use lots of fresh veggies. You could even cut up some apples if you like.44 Throw in stuff you like.45 Be certain that you cut some cheese into any salad. Hard-boiled eggs make a nice filler as well.46 Next, take any three of the six-thousand dressings you have on the arm of your refrigerator door and mix them together, with a slight hint of mustard. Clean that part of the refrigerator door. You’ll love yourself.47 Cut up some arugula if you are uppity.49 Next, eat the second part of the cheese you cut earlier.50 Have one last glass of the Sunny Select Crystal Light, iced down.51 Turn down, but not off, the music and click on an old movie. I find TCM to be a wonderful thing to watch while downing a huge salad and quaffing a Sunny Select CLID.52 Sit down and enjoy your salad. You just make a HUGE salad, bottom line.53 As soon as you are done, get a large roll of paper towels and pre-clean the entire mess. Roll veggie garbage in the newspaper and toss it. Instantly rinse any plates, forks, mixing stuff, etc. and put it in the dishwasher.54 Clean your kitchen entirely and then make coffee for the morning.55 You won’t want to cook dinner. You’ll goof on the mess you will have to make and then clean up. Your kitchen is clean, and your refrigerator door wiped.56 Stay up a little later, and then head for bed. Your day sucked, but if you get some nice rest, the next day shouldn’t suck nearly as much.57 And that’s the “I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-a-Mess-in-the-Kitchen” Diet.58 Do that every day for a year and your pants will fall down. No worries. With the money you saved on dinners, you can buy new pants.59 I gottago. Hope you enjoyed this cooking secret.60 Have a great weekend.61 Peace.~H~
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