How great was October? It was like the Turducken of professional sports. We had playoff baseball, both World Conkers Championship. Seriously, if you couldn’t find a sport you liked in October, you probably like stupid sports. But other parts of the year aren’t so blessed. How many Saturdays in late February have we had to choose between watching Senior PGA golf and Women’s Mogul Skiing Qualifiers? Just imagining it makes us bored.
As a result of this late-winter lull, a number of so-called sports have crept into the popular consciousness despite the fact that they are not, by any acceptable standard, sports. Capitalizing on fan desperation, they dupe us into believing that something like a middle-aged man’s accuracy in directing a ball towards a group of pins requires Lebron-like levels of athleticism. But no more. Today we call bullsh*t on the following “sports.”
Golf
In 2007, Fred Funk won the Mayakoba Golf Classic at age 50. Age 50. A dude old enough to have an Curling
A friend was once able to witness Olympic Curling live in the flesh during the 2002 Games in Salt Lake City. Here’s what she reported back: during the match, there are actual smoke breaks between rounds. That’s right, competitors on the international stage at the sport’s fiercest competition file off the ice, gather in a circle, and light up. Any activity where your ability to Bowling
Take the curling argument above and swap in beer for cigarettes. And then add the cigarettes back in. While this sounds like an awesome way to spend a Tuesday night, it does not sound like a sport. Our grandfather can bowl over 200 and he’s a polio survivor. Until the pins can hit back, there’s no way we can consider this an athletic competition. Side Note: How sweet would it be if the pins could hit back?
Bass fishing
Enjoy fishing? Us too. We enjoy drinking while fishing. We enjoy drinking while fishing and sitting on high-end motorboats listening to people talk about baseball, which is a sport. But unless you count baiting hooks as physical exertion, fishing is not.
Ice dancing
Note that we are not saying “figure skating” here. Figure skating may be simultaneously hilarious and dull, but it requires intense physical ability and results in a winner. Hence: sport. Ice Dancing, however, removes the throws and jumps of figure skating, leaving only the ridiculous costumes, effeminate Eastern Europeans, and the gesticulating. It’s like a Slovenian disco out there! And lets take a closer look at that scoring system too: a bunch of all-powerful judges with unfair preferences hand down seemingly arbitrary numbers to rate people. What is this, the BCS?
Race walking
Come on.
NASCAR
Probably gonna get some flack for this one, but we’re sticking by our guns. For however much strategy, skill, and teamwork play into it, NASCAR is still a bunch of dudes (and one omni-present lady) driving in a circle for four hours with intermittent breaks for frenetic car repairs. If sitting for hours on end making constant split-second decisions automatically turned something into a sport, then “Call of Duty” would be played in stadiums. NASCAR is a game and stock cars are the most expensive Pogs money can buy.
Comments (1)
hello,My name is miss amarilla,i am 24 years old girl,You can reach me via e-mail bellow.(amarilla.adura01@yahoo.co.uk)I’ll give you my picture and tell you more about myself.amarilla kiss you.Have a good day.kiss me back .(amarilla.adura01@yahoo.co.uk)