September 27, 2012
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The Daily 
News1 Student: Why did I get a zero on my test?
2 Me: Let me find your test and take a look.
3 Student (pause): You wrote on it, "Don't cheat."
4 Me (remembering seeing the kid's head giraffing over another student's test, and noticing the other student trying desperately to hide the answers): Oh, yes. You were definitely caught cheating. I don't write that unless I see it myelf.
5 Student: He had his test out where I could look at it. It was his fault.
6 Me: Don't blame someone else because you cheated.
7 Student: Okay.
8 True story. I kid you not.
9 Happened yesterday.
10 I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating. I always have this fantasy of a student coming up and asking, "Why did you give me an F?"
11 Followed by my reply: "Because I couldn't give you a G"
12 Moving on, Part One: That stuff happens. It's in the 4 a.m. and I have just come upon the second student of three from that same period whom I caught cheating. He has an expository essay going on right now that sounds as though it was written by a British nobleman.13 In a minute I will test it for plagiarism, which would make this the third student I have caught for that ungodly act.
14 Most of you are probably aware that plagiarism is a high crime in academic circles.
15 It seems a bit rampant, although it seems eerily absent from a lot of the papers I have tested this year.
16 Plagiarism is the steroids of academia.
17 Allow me to leave for a few seconds.
18 Okay, I took about five minutes with this dude and came up empty. It's clear he plagiarized but I have no proof.
19 A teacher looking for plagiarism is sort of like a fisherman fishing for fish. We drop the line in the water with a silent plip, and we wait. We look around to see if anything is there, and we are eerily disappointed when we don't get a catch.
20 That sounds wrong, but when a kid hands in one paper which is all over the place, and then comes in with a paper of professorial merit, he becomes a tad suspect.
21 The kid won this round.
22 But I will stare him down.
23 As teachers, we aren't trying to bust students, but we do hope to find a few and straighten them out before they get caught doing the same thing in college, where plagiarism leads many to an educational guillotine.
24 And so it goes.
25 Moving on, Part the Second: It seems too early in the season to be experiencing pains and injuries on the job. People don't realize it, but teaching has its aches and pains just like any job.
26 When I give large essays, I have to stay sedentary in order to get them graded. Yesterday I laughingly complained of a morning buttache from sitting on a wooden chair for hours on end.
27 For hours on end.
28 Open you both eyes; you're still not awake.
29 <aiming threatening pointer at reader> Now pay attention.
30 I also have had a chipped tooth from trying to remove a staple with my teeth.
31
32 I KNOW, I KNOW.
33 This time of year, when I give the largest assignments, I also experience a number of other occupational hazards.
34 They include but are not limited to the following:
35 Left-Bun Syndrome: Because I'm a righty, I tend to slide to the right while tacking away on the computer. This puts a lot of pressure on my left side, causing pain in my left buttcheek.
36 The Blurries: This also come from spending too much time on the computer entering grades, checking emails, researching, and looking for plagiarism. The words move in and out and come forward and then retreat, like there is some goofy hypnotist behind the screen, and he is messing with me.
37 Circulation Sensation: All the blood sits around and causes swollen ankles and poor cirulation. When I get up to get a glass of water, I almost go over. That could also just be because I'm a geezer.
38 Carpal in the Extreme: My left arm in particular looks like Popeye's. I'm thanking of getting a tat of an anchor. Sleeping on it made it feel like it was hanging on a hook.
39 Takin' the Red Eye: Awakening in the middle of the night because I worry I might not make deadlines, and THEN I sit down and write a newsletter about it. Self flagellation in the extreme.
40 The Every-Wednesday-I-Want-to-Jump-Off-the-Golden-Gate-Bridge Syndrome: This takes place every Wednesday afternoon following any meeting. Could be the greatest meeting ever, but it is still a meeting. Yesterday's was better than last weeks, but I still went home shell-shocked, depressed, and delirious.
41 Quasimodo Syndrome: This happens when I try to carry five reams of paper I haul around with me in hopes of finding a place I could sit and grade them. I get weighed down so far to the ground that one eye closes and I growl at people. I want to run to the top of the bell tower and start clanging the bell, but we don't have a bell tower, so that's that.
42 You get the idea.
43 Nothing like other people's jobs, I realize, but right about now, I have most of those things goin' on. Grades are due next Tuesday, but I'm still hauling that stuff around, putting comments, and fishing in the river.
44 Wish me luck.
45 Just another glimpse at the wide, wonderful world of teaching.
46 Hope you enjoyed the glimpse.
47 See you again.
~H~
