September 26, 2012
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1 Looking at the headlines on AOL (I KNOW, I KNOW!) is an instant lesson in the state of today’s journalism.
2 AOL really likes to put headlines out there that tease.
3 Awakening at two a.m. and trying to get news updates from them is preposterous.
4 Here are a few headlines with my slant on them.
5 Mom’s Idea Cures Cancer. They found a cure for cancer and it’s not all over the news?
6 GA Woman Mocked at Supermarket. I must admit, I really wanted to chase that story down, but I was getting a buttache from a wooden chair, which is probably more newsworthy.
7 Bud Harrington Gets Buttache While Writing DN.
8 Teen Tormented in Heartbreaking Way. Two freshmen kids hid a nerd’s backpack.
9 Woman Arrested on Maryland Bus. I’ll bet the paparazzi and news hounds were all over that one.
10 Condition That Could Lead to Divorce. Uh…marriage?
11 <Picture of Jamie Lee Curtis> You Normally See Her Like This. I don’t care if I see her at all. I didn’t bother clicking on the accompanying video, although I wanted to like hell.
12 I decided to flip over to Yahoo, because their headlines don’t change every four seconds. Here are a few nuggets from their newsroom:
13 Huge Eighth Grade Student. What are the odds?
14 Take a Peek Inside Jennifer Lopez’s Home. Why, is there a gorilla on her couch doing a handstand?
15 Dog the Bounty Hunter Returns to TV. I never knew he was missing.
16 And so it goes.
17 As you can see, we have some pretty important things to report.
18 As inane as it all is, it’s better than any big news.
19 I’m always worried when I complain about boring news, because that’s right about when life looks like Easy Street.
20 I count the blessings.
21 Good way to be.
22 Moving On, Part the First: I’m beginning not to like Wednesdays.
23 Last Wednesday I almost went insane.
24 Wednesdays are meeting days.
25 Um…yeah.
26 I don’t understand meetings.
27 Nobody wants them, nobody wants to plan them, nobody wants to go to them, yet every single job around calls meetings.
28 Haven’t we had email for around six hundred years now?
29 Last Wednesday we had a presentation from a guy who was telling us essentially that we are doomed as a school because we can’t handle a problem that every school in Cali has.
30 I won’t go into details, but he was telling us one horrid scenario after another, causing our already overworked staff to want to run screaming like cartoon characters crashing through doors.
31 It’s time meetings at all offices and workplaces cease.
32 We should eliminate Tuesday as a day of the week.
33 Bleh.
34 Moving on, Part Two: I know it is TMI but I really DO have a buttache, but it is not from writing the DN.
35 I’m trying like hell to hit deadlines, which requires sitting down and grading long essays.
36 This causes a bunch of occupational hazards to surface: staple cuts, paper cuts, circulation concerns, and buttaches.
37 And teachers’ butts go wide, dude.
38 Just sayin’.
39 My buttache isn’t serious, at least not that I would know.
40 And there is a cure for it.
41 It’s called exercise.
42 I went for a little walk, came back, got a pillow from the couch and a cold root beer, and all is well here in the 3 a.m.
43 There is the comforting sound of some 30′s movie on in the other room.
44 Turner Classic Movies. Thank the Lord.
45 No, you idiot. I do not see Ted Turner as the Lord.
46 But TCM is a fine product.
47 And it has Robert Osborne as the host. He is great, at least in my eye.
48 AND they bring Drew Barrymore in every once in a while to brighten things up.
49 Drew is a descendant of the Barrymore family, so she brings a pretty sweet touch to the proceedings.
50 And it’s better than clicking some random video of what Jamie Lee Curtis looks like when she gets gussied up.
51 Bleh.
52 Enough of this.
53 Getting a buttache is a pain in the ass.
54 The pillow helps, but now I’m getting some serious carpal.
55 What I do in the name of journalism, I swear.
56 AnywayZ
57 Have a great Wednesday.
58 If you have a meeting, cut it and head to the beach.
59 See you again.
60 Peace.
~H~
