September 14, 2012
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpjNLjBbVd4
The Daily News
1 Hit the link before you goof on today's DN. Blast it through your stereo. You will laugh your ass off.
2 Hit the link, I swear to you.
3 One of the most classic goofs ever.
4 I have no idea how to embed You Tube into Xanga.
5 I tried it once.
6 It was akin to putting a mouse with a sinus condition into a ridiculous labyrinth, and then trying to coax him with mozzarella.
7 Okay okay okay okay!
8 Lousy analogy.
9 I do that.
10 I swear to you.
11 It has something to do with the super powers of human beings, which sounds random, but hear me out. Listen:
12 Young people, for example, truly have super powers. All of them.
13 They can do anything better than older folk.
14 Like all super heroes, however, they must have a vulnerability.
15 Their vulnerability is this:
16 Lack of Wisdom.
17 LOW.
18 The kryptonite of the young.
19 Every time I see a young person run a stunning 100 meter, or dance a glorious ballet, I see super heroes.
20 I can no longer do those sorts of things.
21 Actually, I could never do those sorts of things.
22 If I were a super hero, I would probably call myself Wiseguy. Wiseguy would be an intelligent geezer.
23 He would simply out think every young villain, and would do it with quips and fancy reasoning.
24 His wisdom would always conquer brute strength and young idiocy.
25 He would disguise himself as a professorial high school teacher, a stable grammarian fond of old movies and skilled with root beer and whistles.
26 He would be an Old Brown Shoe. He would look and act like Bugsy Siegel.
27 He would drive a deep blue Nissan Altima, which he would call the Ol' Timuh. It would have under its hood18 cylinders, designed by a younger science teacher who has among other things, a still in his garage.
28 His weakness would be senility, the kryptonite of the almost-old. The cure would be the hooch from the science teacher's still.
29 The science teacher could be his sidekick, Moonshine.
30 And on and on.
31 Eventually there would be a parallel universe, where he would travel to and get killed. There would have been a prophecy when he was an infant that one day a woman would be the death of him.
32 A woman would be the death of him.
33 And on and on.
34 Moving on, Part the First: Some comic book stuff.
35 Always fun.
36 Moving on, Part the Second: I would be remiss in my duty as the worst role model in the history of education if I didn't report here on the Ben and Jerry's lawsuit against porn thieves who stole their image and made a series of porn films called Ben and Cherries.
37 The company, Rodax Distributers and Caballero Video out of North Hollywood, agreed to take all of their smut off the shelves.
38 The DVD's had names similar to Ben and Jerry's, only with a porno flair. Some of the titles included Boston Cream Thigh, New York Fat and Chunky, and Peanut Butter D-Cup. They gotta be worth something on the black market.
39 For the record, B and J's original name of these were Boston Cream Pie, New York Super Fudge Chunk, and Peanut Butter Cup.
40 Moving on, Part the Thoid: All of which brings us back to my first random point.
41 I have a super power that is ass-backwards.
42 I am unutterably adept at making lousy analogies.
43 I do this so that people who get annoyed with me will stop reading my ridiculous daily rants and can save themselves from sinking in the quicksand of my mucky and mundane folderol.
44 Exhibit A.
45 With that, I believe I will turn and face the weekend.
46 I will do so with force and dignity, and try like hell to have a blast.
47 You do that to, and forget all this.
48 Life's short.
He put his shoulders back and his heels together. "To hell with the handerchief," said Walter Mitty. He took on last drag on his cigarette and snapped it away. Then, with that faint, fleeting smile playing beautifully around his lips, he faced a firing squad: erect and motionless, proud and disdainful, Walter Mitty the Undefeated, inscrutable to the last..
49 Have a great weekend.
50 Peace.
~H~
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