March 23, 2012
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1 It’s Frideeeeeee!
2 And trust me; I’m not EVEN gonna lie. This week flew by.
3 I always love when people say, “I’m not EVEN gonna lie.” To me it always says, “I lie a lot, I realize, but this time, I’m not EVEN gonna lie.”
4 I love goofing on stuff like that.
5 I just love goofing on human behavior. Period.
6 Consider Californians and weather, for instance.
7 It stormed a couple of times this week. There was even some snow in the hills.
8 Yet the daytime maintained an average of sixty to seventy degrees.
9 And people came to school dressed like Sherpas. Mittens, heavy coats, ski masks: you get the picture. You would think they were in Russia.
10 Dude.
11 You live in California.
12 It’s late March.
13 You really don’t need a knit cap and ski boots.
14 And a message to the other extreme: yeah, it really isn’t THAT cold, dude. Slathering on sun tan lotion and wearing shorts and sporting expensive sunglasses and a T-shirt looks absurd. This isn’t the French Riviera at Midsummer. It’s just late March. In California.
15 I personally just sort of wear the same stuff all the way through the year. You never look overly excited for a season that way.
16 I have to guess that East Coasters must laugh ridiculously at our silliness with weather and fashion. Those people get weather extremes, something Californians have no idea about.
17 Californians who live in the milder climates dress according to fashion magz. It could be overcast and eightly degrees and you will still see people lighting fires in their fireplaces just because they see clouds.
18 Amusing stuff.
19 I remember vividly making money off the people who would live in a hot area coming up to Giants’ games dressed in Hawaiian shirts and shorts, only to have the Candlestick weather change on them.
20 Candlestick Park is the only place in California that can be eighty-five degrees at game time and then drop forty degrees by four p.m. And it could be a hundred degrees in Sac, or in Fresno, but a night game would often turn so cold that people would need ski masks and blankets, which we would be happy to sell to them, at a price.
21 Would I feel bad?
22 Nope.
23 First off, it is a simple case of caveat emptor. You are traveling to San Francisco. The place can get cold. Second, you are a fingertip away from a weather report. It’s not a bad idea to check the weather if you are headed somewhere for an extended time.
24 Third, you are out of control with a VISA card. YOUR decision, thank you very much. If you are willing to charge a hundred dollars or two to keep warm and be in fashion, then I am willing to make twenty per cent off you.
25 Californians have always been good for business.
26 I never got rich vending and selling merch, but I did have some violently amazing night games when people would drive up from the valley and say, “It was eight-five degrees in Vacaville!”
27 I would smile and say, “You want the blanket and the ski cap, or just the blanket?”
28 Or a guy would say, “I could get this blanket for twelve dollars at Wal-Mart!”
29 My reply: “You ain’t AT Wal-Mart!” His friends would laugh, punch him in the arm, and I would get the sale. Seriously.
30 Cha-CHING.
31 Hate me. Go ahead. I’m a business man. I always loved the fans, but the bottom line was that I was there to make money. And I was well-trained to help people find the fashion they needed given any season.
32 I usually won, and they walked away happy with their purchases.
33 It’s almost disgusting, except it is what every business person does, everywhere in America. In fact, we worship guys like Steve Jobs and Donald Trump. We elect politicians who are “businessmen.” We bow down to the extremely rich and see them as self-made men or women.
34 We drool at the expensive Lexus, and show our contempt for the selfsame people, because we wish WE could have that sort of lifestyle without having to charge everything.
35 We feel sorry for guys like Alex Smith, who made nine-million dollars more because management went after Peyton Manning. We saw Alex as a jilted lover, rather than as a guy who couldn’t convert third downs if we held a gun to his head, but made nine mil in the process of us feeling sorry for him.
36 I’m not EVEN gonna lie.
37 Consumer nation. We are a nation of idiots, I swear to you.
38 But it is OUR nation of idiots, so we somehow still love everyone.
39 I do. I’m an old lover of people. I still smile at babies and new moms, and go crazy when my sports’ teams do something stupid.
40 I buy crap that I don’t really need.
41 I’m just as goofy as the next guy, and just as stupid, happy to say.
42 Welp, it’s cloudy out and well into the 3 a.m. I had better start getting dressed for the freeze that is certain to happen this fine morn.
43 I have a coat with about twelve zippers I have to figure out, and only around three hours to have that mastered.
44 So if you’ll excuse me…
45 I gottago.
46 I hope you appreciated all my insults. It wasn’t aimed at you. Don’t take them personally.
47 I was pretty much holding up a mirror to all of us.
48 So I include myself in all of this idiocy. I’m proud to say that I am just as stupid as the next guy.
49 Have a great weekend everybody. I promise more misspellings and idiocy as the school year chugs to its sensationally idiotic end, and it will end idiotically, let me tell you.
50 I’m not EVEN gonna lie.
51 See you agin.
52 Peace.
~H~
