December 6, 2011
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The Daily News 
1 I cut my finger on a can of straw mushrooms last night, and there were no Band-Aids big enough to put over the cut.
2 It was a horrific scene, albeit funny.
3 The entire moment became a cartoon. I was like Yosemite Sam applying immediate pressure to the wound. When this didn't work, I panicked, and tried toilet tissue,
4 This worked for a bit, but when it kept bleeding through, I jumped in the air yelling, "Dag-nabbit!"
5 I took huge pieces of paper towels and rolled them around the injury, causing a bandage that expanded my finger to six times its height and three-inches in width at the top.
6 All I could think of was how much my life had turned into a cartoon.
7 Well, cooler heads prevailed. Helene thought a small Band -Aid and some gauze might just be the trick. Isn't that just like a woman? Who woulda thunk practicality might be the right medicine? Well, it still looked cartoony, but in a much less cartoony way, if that makes any sense,
8 I just decided to call it a night fairly early. I had a long day of lecturing, so I had already felt like something the cat drug in when I got home. My voice had run out of gas at the end if my last period, and all I wanted to do was to become a couch potato.
9 I was going to cook a mild dinner of shrimp with lobster sauce when the tip of the can of straw mushrooms lit up the night.
10 I wound up making a lousy batch. About a month ago I made the same dish and it was wonderful. The difference? Ten fingers instead of nine.
11 To my idiotic credit, after I got the smaller gauze bandage on my finger, I insisted on returning to my cooking. I have this moronic work ethic that forces me to finish every project I work on.
12 My finger could well have fallen off with me turning blue, and I would want to finish my recipe rather than going to emergency, which was also suggested and rejected.
13 My experiences in going to emergency is that they don't see emergencies as their emergency. They always have bigger fish to fry, and aren't afraid to let you sit in an "emergency" room for six or seven hours.
14 It actually makes sense to me. I walk in with a cartoon finger, and they tell me to sit in the Toon area.
15 So there I would be with Yosemite Sam and Roger Rabbit, and a host of forest animals.
16 That image actually struck me when I thought of going into emergency. I then looked at my big, dorky finger and decided, "Nah."
17 The fun part was that after I ate about three spoonfuls of the worst dinner ever, I went into a cleaning mode, with my Ha-UGE index finger up in the air.
18 Ever try washing dishes with a homemade bandage on? It's next to impossible. But knew I owed it to my family, to my country, and to myself. Cleanliness is, as they say.
19 It was somewhat like the Sorceror's Apprentice, only I did all the work. The music played, and my life last night was a vast cartoon, and quite entertaining. No brooms bearing buckets, but quite a sight anyway.
20 I kept laughing at how preposterous it all was. All I wanted to do was to come home, make some cheap eats, and veg out on some football, just like all the rest of the America.
21 <basketball buzzer>
22 After a cursory attempt at cleaning plates, I finally found my way to the couch and realized I couldn't really even operate the remote. So I stared at my ha-UGE finger once more, and finally decided it was time to close my eyes and put the day behind me.
23 Naturally, I awakened at 3 a.m., looked over my lesson plan, and felt okay with it.
24 I then went to write today's DN.
25 I looked, and realized that my laptop was STILL in the shop (it crashed right after Thanksgiving). Slow roll. So I went into the "office" and turned on my desktop. It always makes this huge "oh-ROOOOO!" when it goes on.
26 I didn't turn the lamp on because I didn't want to wake the dog, who would naturally think it was time to get up. I knew instinctively that she would demand breakfast, demand going out in the yard to chase shadows and leaves, and then demand my attention through incessant barking for ten minutes afterward. Not worth it; not worth turning on the lamp.
27 So I just pushed the "oh-R00000!" button and the computer lit up the room.
28 It also lit up my gigantic, white finger.
29 So today's DN is nothing short of a miracle. My middle finger came in and played a great back-up game for me, although it insisted on making each period a comma.
30 I'm not so certain of my editing either, because this was done mid-morning with little light and a bunch of gauze wrapped around my finger, which appears clean and white.
31 I opened the fridge just to check and make sure that the horrid dinner concoction was properly stored. I should have stored it in the garbage disposal.
32 So that's it. This is my midnight-to-four ride.
33 Once again, no news.
34 Have an enjoyable day. Hope you got a laugh or two out of the whole operation. Or non-op cartoon.
35 AnywayZ.
36 Peace.
~H~
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