November 17, 2011
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The Daily News
1 In the course of a day, I hear things that make me chuckle. Just knuckleheads talking, for example, often amuses me.
2 The other day I was again in Lucky's doing a little shopping when I overheard these two guys talking about something. One guy said to the other, "I'm not even gonna lie, bro..."
3 I turned my eyes to the side and then forward again, and literally burst into a slight smile. I thought about the comment and saw it immediately as the admission of a guy who lies a lot. My tranlsation?
4 "I'm not even gonna lie. I usually do lie, but this time I'm not even gonna lie."
5 I immediately thought, "So anything you tell me after you say that can be considered boushit anyway, because you pretty much just implied that you do lie, but just not this time."
6 I'm not even gonna lie.
7 As I mosey through the aisles, I sometimes take in the different characters shopping for dinner. Yesterday was that sort of day. As I walked further into the Lucky world, I walked past this couple who caught my smile regarding the said kucklhead. At least I think they caught it.
8 I immediately thought that the woman was thinking, "That man just started smiling, just as we walked by. What a strange little man."
9 " Walter Mitty to you, my dear. To the very last!" my frabjous mind thought right back.
10 And on and on. Not a word was spoken.
11 I then rolled my cart over to the vegetables, because I wanted to get some fresh carrots. Because the store was filling, I parked my cart next to the pineapples. I figured I could leave it right there and get to the carrots more quickly. They were across the way, and everyone was crowding their carts in that area. I figured that the odds were I wasn't going to annoy anyone buying a pineapple, and I could move much more gracefully and swiftly to the carrots if I left the cart parked at the pineapples for a few secs.
12 I stepped to my left, and almost bumped into this old white guy. He gave a sort of annoyed "Tcsh-h-h-h-h-h!" of disapproval, as though I had no manners whatsoever.
13 I smiled again, figuring I wasn't rude or anything; the store was crowded.
14 Now it's funny, but every few times I go shopping at a supermarket I'll always find one customer that I just can't seem to shake. I knew instantly that I was probably going to have a few more run-ins with this guy. Of course, HE was headed for carrots too. run-in one.
15 I grabbed mines and swiftly went back to the pineapples.
16 Mines. Yeesh.
16 Ironically, one lady had decided that she wanted to buy every pineapple in the store in the twenty seconds that I was parked there, and SHE became slightly annoyed. She must have wanted to buy six-hundred pineapples, and my cart was almost blocking the stand. There was actually plenty of room for her to get them, but she seemed all put-upon.
17 This wasn't even that late in the afternoon, maybe around four.
18 I reversed field using some Sharks' skills. I have this cool way of turning the cart so that it almost looks like I just stole the puck.
19 I love moving through stores. It's pretty entertaining.
20 I also noticed one thing about stores, and I noticed this from having worked in merch for years: it will be slow at the counters for fifteen-minute stints, and then EVERYONE will descend on the counter at the same time, like lemmings.
21 Now I used to work on commish, so moving people was an art if I wanted to make money. We wanted the lines to diminish as swiftly as possible, because the more people we could take care of, the more money we would make.
22 Not always so at grocery stores. Don't get me wrong, Lucky usually moves people pretty swiftly, but yesterday they had one checkout and then two self-checkouts. But those self-checkouts are always a risk if you have vegetables. And nobody was minding them.
23 When I got in line, that crabby white guy was in front of me, but just a few people ahead. Our line had around eight people in it, and the lady with the pineapples was in front. Employees walked around, but nobody opened another stand.
24 Fortunately I had patience, but I heard one person say to the other, "We need to get more pineapples out! Are there any in the back?" And blah, blah, blah.
25 I again smiled. That couple was somewhere behind me, but it became a bit annoying. My head thought, "Six thousand's a crowd!" but I didn't say anything. Pretty soon they called for another checker. He came down the aisle right behind me and seemed like the happiest hombre on Earth. "I'll take you over here, ma'am!" he said. The guy had charisma.
26 The lines instantly collapsed, and I jumped out of Pineapple Lady's line. I had no idea what she was going to do with forty-eight pineapples, but none of my beeswax.
27 The white guy disappeared out the door, no further run-ins. In a way I was a little disappointed. But he was in a hurry to get somewhere.
28 Everybody is.
29 Moving on, Part the First: Speaking of everybody being in a hurry, the other morning as I turned left on Tully on the corner off Capitol, the guy next to me in some sporty red car thumped his throttle and flew past everybody.
30 I laughed, because I know there is a series of lights going up Tully towards the hills.
31 When I used to train my daughters how to drive, I would always point out the Tortoise and the Hare aspects of driving. Whenever I'd see a Hare, I'd look at him and say to the girls, "Where ya goin'? Where ya GOIN'? See you at the light."
32 Then we'd watch as the impatient one would swerve in and out of lanes without signaling, speed up to the next light, and stop within a foot of us. We would often pull right up next to them. I would look over, pointing out to my daughters that, "I always look at the guy, because I always want to see what an idiot looks like." They would always laugh.
33 So I was again amused at stupidity. Sure enough, the guy in the red car zipped this way, thumped his throttle, sped as quickly as he could to get ultimately four cars ahead, saving himself a grand total of around two seconds. Of course I thought to myself, "Where ya goin'? Where ya GOIN'? See you at the light." I pulled up next to him, and even nudged about an inch ahead just to annoy the guy.
34 I then looked over. He looked like a Disney tough that might smoke a cheap cigar when he got home. I smiled and thought, "So THAT'S what an idiot looks like!"
35 Yeah, I'm one of those sorts. I just laughingly go through life, but driving does worry me these days.
36 I'm thoroughly convinced that the roads have become WAY more dangerous because everyone seems in a super hurry, and there no longer seems to be enough time for anything.
37 And everybody seems to be texting while driving. I can't even IMAGINE trying to do that with my thumbs. It takes me around a year to text someone if I'm sitting in a library.
38 But twice yesterday people in front of me sat at signals when the light turned green.
39 So it becomes this odd dichotomy. People are in a HUGE hurry, but they'll stop and take a picture of the traffic so they can write under it, "fml".
40 Strange days.
41 Moving on, Part the Second: I made it safely home, but each day out there becomes an adventure.
42 I'm guessing it's always been that way. I remember my parents' generation having utterly no patience for stupid drivers. They used to get particularly distressed at guys in front of them who "ride the brakes." That never particularly bothered me, unless the guy was outstandingly slow. But coming down the hill from Tahoe? I'm sort of glad that people "ride the brakes" a little, because I'm pretty sure they won't spin out in front of me and go over a cliff.
43 Tailgaters used to really boil people. They do annoy me as well, because that can be disastrous.
44 I imagine my biggest annoyance besides tailgaters is the guy who changes lanes without signaling. I always think, "I shoulda seen that one coming!" Or, "I should have read your mind. YOU know where you're going. Why shouldn't I?"
45 The other morning I was going exactly sixty-five, and some guy who needed to get over passed me on the right, IN MY OWN LANE, pulled in front of me without signaling, and then jumped over three lanes to the left. Are ya KIDDIN' meeeee?
46 I'm pretty sure he was texting, because otherwise he was just plain an idiot.
47 Now guys like THAT I don't try to catch and look. There are enough idiots out there that I don't need to see every one of them.
48 Especially some who are a tad psycho:
49 Welp, that's my rant for the morning. I do like going through life amused by lots of things, but I'm also quite aware that every day out on the highways and biways of life, there is danger lurking everywhere.
50 From crazy white guys to Pineapple Ladies, from happy clerks to madmen in red cars, it's still a good life.
51 Have an amusing day. Find an idiot or two; it takes the edge off.
52 Stay safe. Oh, and I'll see you at the light.
53 Peace.
~H~
