November 3, 2011
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The Daily News
1 Like the leprechaun butcher who backs into his meat grinder, I’m getting a little behind in my work.
2 With all the Heidi stories and everything else, my deadlines are insidious these days, so I thought I might take a quick little break from trying to invent things for the DN and give you all a little laugh courtesy of a couple of books called Disorderly Conduct and Disorderly Conduct in the Court by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, Gerald F. Uelmen, with illustrations by Lee Lorenz. These are actual court proceedings that these guys gathered and put into a book. I copped these from a book called The Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader assembled by a mischievous group called The Bathroom Readers’ Institute out of Ashland, Oregon.
3 They are actual excerpts from real court documents. So here goes; I’ll let these guys take over. Happy reading!
4
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the public defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to public defender): Do you have any comments on your defendant’s motion?
Defendant: I’m sorry, Your Honor, I wasn’t listening.
5
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Potential juror: I don’t want to be away from my job for that long.
Judge: Can they do without you at work?
Potential juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
6
Judge: You have a right to a trial by jury, but you may waive that right. What do you wish to do?
Defendant: (Hesitates.)
Lawyer to defendant: Waive.
Defendant: (Waves at the judge.)
7
Lawyer: Were you leaning against the shut door, or the open door?
Witness: A shut door. How can you lean against an open door? There’s a hole in the door. You’d fall right through.
8
Lawyer: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Defendant: Yes.
Lawyer: How many?
Defendant: One, so far.
9
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
10
Defense Attorney: Are you sure you did not enter the 7-11 on 14th and Northeast Broadway and hold up the cashier on June 17 of this year?
Defendant: I’m pretty sure.
11
Judge: Mr. E, you’re charged here with driving a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?
Defendant: I’m guilty as Hell.
Judge: Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as Hell.
12
Lawyer: Could you briefly describe the type of construction equipment used in your business?
Witness: Four tractors.
Lawyer: What kind of tractors are they?
Witness: Fords.
Lawyer: Did you say, “four”?
Witness: Ford. Ford. Like the Ford. It is a Ford tractor.
Lawyer: You didn’t say “four” you just said “Ford?”
Witness: Yes, Ford. That is what you asked me, what kind of tractors.
Lawyer: Are there four Ford tractors? Is that what there is?
Witness: No, no. You asked me what kind of a tractor it is, and I said Ford tractors.
Lawyer: How many tractors are there?
Witness: Four.
13 The Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader is a great book, Christmas present I gave to Josh last year, at least I think it was last year.
14 It’s just a hodge-podge of useless information, but information that is usually pretty amusing, and designed to be read during short bursts in the day.
15 At the bottom of each page is some useless fact. Here are a few:
16 Only four percent of Americans can say they didn’t eat at McDonald’s last year.
17 Twenty-one percent of American high-school students say they’d like to be President some day.
18 Red-headed men are more likely to go bald than anybody else.
19 Mussolini’s favorite cartoon character was Donald Duck.
20 World’s record: A man carried a milk bottle on his head continuously for 24 miles.
21 Moving on, Part the First: Same book. Cheap transition. Here are some quotes from the immortal Casey Stengel. Since pitchers and catchers don’t report ’til February, I thought I’d shorten that with a little bit of Stengel’s thoughts and quips on baseball.
22 “Now all you fellers line up in alphabetical order by height.”
23 “They say you can’t do it, but sometimes it doesn’t work.”
24 Giants’ fans might appreciate this one: ”Look at that guy. Can’t run, can’t hit, can’t catch. That’s why they gave him to us.”
25 And this one: “We’re in such a slump that even the guys who are drinkin’ aren’t hittin’.”
26 “The secret of managing a good club is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the five guys who are undecided.”
27 “Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional ballplayer. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.”
28 To a hitter with the bases loaded: “Let him hit ‘ya. I’ll get you a new neck!”
29 Finally, the Bathroom Reader presents a small collection of horrid grammatical errors found in church bulletins.
30 Here are a few:
“This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.”
“Tuesday at 4 p.m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.”
“Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing ‘Put Me in my Little Bed’ accompanied by the Pastor.”
“This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to lay an egg on the altar.”
“On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.”
“The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”
“A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.”
“The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.”
31 I hope you enjoyed this. I’ll be back tomorrow.
32 Have a great day.
33 See ya again.
34 Peace.
~H~
