September 7, 2011
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The Daily News1 Yesterday I overslept an hour, which generally is met with, “Woo-hoo! I have to go REALLY fast this morning, but I got me an extra HOUR!”
2 I hope that happens on Daylight Saving Time.
3 The drawback is that I could conceivably get to school in a coat, shirt and tie, but my nightmare is that I will emerge from my car in boxers with corsets and garters.
4 The image! The image! Burned into your brain! Noises off!
5 I mean I’ve had NIGHTMARES like that.
6 Now so will you.
7 Well, it wasn’t quite that bad. But how many of us have dashed out of the house only to dash BACK for our cell phones, or our keys, or our shoes? Maybe one shoe?
8 Berkeley’s illustrious Hector Sandoval once wrote on his Facebook that he checks every day for “The Holy Three”, which is wallet, cell phone, and keys. Most everything else doesn’t really matter. I use his wisdom each day and check on those three things.
9 I sometimes pack lunch, and other times I don’t. So lunch doesn’t fit into the formula.
10 The Holy Three are certainly worth considering when you have overslept, or have had to hurry yourself out the door.
11 It’s just that sometimes you have to remember other things. Yesterday I had this sandwich all set to go. I cut it from a larger sandwich, which works during the week.
12 The only thing is, it is a classic Italian sandwich on sourdough. I chop an end off the thing every coupla days and don’t have to make a sandwich if I feel I’ll have time to go out to lunch, or even to skip lunch.
13 AnywayZ yesterday I was toppling over myself to get out the door, cut an end off the large sandwich, grabbed a sandwich zip-lock bag, and instantly realized that zip-lock bags don’t always zip-lock when one is moving against the clock.
14 It was important that I get to school on time because I had a lot of tardy ish’s last week, and NEEDED to get to school on time so I could begin laying the hammer down.
15 I felt like a basketball player dribbling around with around ten seconds left, looking desperately for a shot that would save a one-point loss.
16 No matter how much I tried to Zen out and lock the zip, it wouldn’t lay down. I wound up just gobbling as much of the thing as I could open face.
17 Now…
18 While much lighter fare, since half the bread isn’t going to be used, I also got lettuce, tomatoes, and bits of lunch meat all over my cheeks and on the tip of my nose.
19 I grabbed some paper towels, but it was pretty messy. I managed to clean up, even to wash with a tab of soap and water, and still got out, but all day I had visions of baloney hanging off my cheeks and chin.Carrie goes baloney.
20 And on the way to school, I kept goofing on the failure of the zip-lock, and how ill-named it is. In any sort of pinch, there is nothing “zip” about it.
21 Part of the challenge is to realize you absolutely must have large gallon bags around, something I always forget to buy when shopping.
22 There are some items I just continually forget to buy at the store. Pepper is another, because who’s EVER out of pepper?
23 The entire day I worried, even though every time I looked in the mirror, there was the same pretty little face.No baloney. No mayo. No soggy lettuce. Just cute lil’ dimples.
24 Baloney and mayo trauma, all day long due to zip-lock bags.
25 Sometimes it’s the little things, man. I got out of it safely, thank the Lawd, or Joe-the-Bear. Or whoevs.
26 Moving on, Part the Second: Do you ever get preoccupied with food on days like those? I worry a lot about ingesting too much in the course of a day. First, I don’t particularly like having anything to eat at school, because I know that the second I take a bite of something, some student will come in to question a grade, or some parent might come in for an unannounced visit. Quick mayo clinic.
27 I really don’t like almost choking to death because I get surprises like that. They only work if they are people I like, or people I haven’t seen in a while. Otherwise they are people making me work while I’m trying to enjoy lunch.
28 Because I never was able to really eat earlier to stave it off, I fell into a craving for an egg roll yesterday. Just one.
29 We have a Lee’s Sammiches over by my school, but it doesn’t take ATM cards, and I was cash poor.
30 I saw that every place I could get to an ATM had guys walking around in front asking for handouts. I GET it, especially in these hard times, but I really don’t like being approached by strangers. I’ll give to causes and all, but I pretty much don’t know who is coming up to me, so I will admit here that I sometimes avoid an entire shopping area just so I won’t get approached.
31 It seemed no matter where I went, there was somebody causing me to change my route. My own fault, granted. I’m also a little superstitious about some outside force changing my basic game plan.
32 I wound up driving around, heading for this pho place that I like, but then realized it is closed on Tuesdays. I knew this, but forgot it was Tuesday. Curse Tuesdays, I swear to you.
33 All I wanted was one stupid egg roll. Sometimes I am the most Asian white guy around. Fewer calories, and I knew I just needed something to stave off the craving. And I don’t know about anyone else, but when I am in need of egg roll, you best clear a path. I WILL mow you down for one.
34 I finally remembered another pho place near school, and that it took ATM’s!
35 I went in. They seated me immediately. I looked at the menu.
36 No egg rolls.
37 OMG! Are ya KIDDIN’ meeeeeeeee?
38 It all traced back to that stupid zip-lock. I wound up getting a pretty nice steaming bowl of fat pho, but yeesh.
39 I thought, “If I choke on a bean sprout, I’m going to sue that zip-lock company!” Of course, it wasn’t the REAL Zip-Lock company, just some low-budget generic version.
40 I also thought about how one small thing can so completely dominate a person’s day.
42 I also thought of how many people change their routine because of something like a hot egg roll, or a slow zip-lock, and if all of life’s subsequent changes might be the cause of those tiny changes in plan. I am so Carl Jung sometimes.
43 In the old Superman comic books, if Superman went back in time and changed the slightest thing, it could cause the entire destruction of the human race.Jung felt that small thoughts could conceivably cause other events to happen.
44 You non-comic fans out there might not get that thinking, but I could already hear the necks cracking on all of you who do.
45 Today I’m gonna get up early and make a small sandwich, I think. I may wind up going out for something else later. Or maybe I’ll just grab a couple of oranges and call it a day.
46 It’s healthier, and there’s a good job the planet might make it one day longer if I just chill.
47 Sandwich/egg roll crisis averted.
48 Have a great day, and have a great lunch. Just get out the door, and don’t take any wrong turns. It isn’t worth it.
49 Peace.
~H~
