August 16, 2011
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We're baaaaaaaaaak!!!
The Daily News
1 There's an old joke that goes something like this: A guy dies and goes to Hell. He meets the devil, who tells him he has been a chump in his life, but because he wasn't a total chump, he will be given his choice of how to spend eternity. The devil walks the guy down a hallway that ends with three doors. The devil tells the guy, "Okay, I need a cup of coffee. While I'm gone, check out each of these three rooms. They are your only choices of where you will spend eternity."
2 The devil goes off, and the guy is left staring at the three doors. He opens door number 1. He is horrified to see people all on fire, and the floor has shattered glass. People are screaming in horrific pain. He instantly closes the door, frightened of his own fate.
3 He reluctantly opens the second door. Inside, every manner of torture is happening before his eyes. Thumb screws. The Rack. The Brazen Bull. The Iron Maiden. Guy gulps.
4 Terrified, the guy slams the door, heart pumping. He looks for an escape, but the hallway has disappeared. He turns and gives a frightened glance to the third door. Reluctantly, he opens the door and looks in.
5 But this room isn't nearly as bad as the other two. There are people standing up to their necks in poop, but they are all listening to Bach and sipping extremely bold and robust coffee. They all seem to be used to the poop smell, and all seems fairly pleasant.
6 The devil returns and asks if the man has decided which room he would prefer for eternity. With no hesitation, the guy says, "I choose room number 3!" The devil gives him a demonic smile, and says, "Very well. Room 3 it is!"
7 The guy goes in, horrified at first by the foul stench, but quite soon a waiter comes by and gives him a cup of coffee. After a fashion, he begins meeting people, and even having a laugh or two.
8 Suddenly, the lights flash on and off, and the devil appears. He shouts to the room, "Okay, coffee break's over! Back on your heads!"
9 Ha.
10 Welcome back to the 2010-11 school year.
11 The Daily News welcomes you, and hopes you enjoy your stay.
12 I didn't really mean all that about the devil, and coffee breaks, and such. It just sorta poured out of me.
13 I'm actually quite excited to stop vacationing and sit by a jackhammer every day for the next nine months.
14 So...the DN is now in its SIXTEENTH year, the world's first "blog" before "blog" was even a word. It is approaching its seventh or eighth year online, depending upon when history, if it really gives a hoot, places it.
15 Somewhere around 2002 I began placing my DN's on a website called ybdrama.com, which went out of business when I upgraded my geocities account and was still not given "premium" access.
16 It was a fun site, but it sorta died in the weeds. I finally had forgotten my password, and it had gotten invaded by wayward people unrelated in any way to the Drama Workshop. It was like looking at some old gazebo in your backyard, withering away with weather and rain, and with lots of wet bugs.
17 But the Xanga site goes back nostalgically to 2004, and has always treated the DN pretty well. I changed it up for about a day last year so that it would look like a 2011 Lexus, but backed off when I realized that you can't really make a silk ear out of...
18 Out of a sow's purse.
19 Something.
20 Moving on, Part One: No matter how much I avoid it, I absolutely LOVE visiting my fellow teachers on our first day back.
21 Amazingly, all have come refreshed and with wonderful ideas for the coming school year. My friend Chris Kuch, for example, found that she will teach psychology this year, and was pretty excited. She borrowed this plastic blue brain that lights up and swirls with lights inside. She was so excited about teaching psychology that I got caught up in the giddiness. She was particularly interested in an entire generation that is completely immersed in social networking, and the social implications of that immersion. The topic is explosively interesting, because it is right where we are as a society. We talked about that topic, and the idea that maybe we both should bring it up in discussions.
22 What's cool is that she is right "down the street" from me, like maybe thirty meters, and we will both have Seniors. We got diabolical, and started thinking of perhaps crossing English with Psychology. She definitely plans on teaching Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which Frank Foehr used to teach at YB.
22 She also wants to teach journeys and roads and things, and so do I. Legends and myths and things like that. It's all open, and we are pretty excited, since both of us are teaching new things.
23 I may even bring back my entire unit on the King Arthur legend. Tennyson and Rick Wakeman, shields and chivalry. That used to end my year before Shakespeare took over, and I STILL get him too!
24 After school, I ran into a science teacher, sort of a Ponch sort. Mock evil. But benevolent. I asked him what he plans on doing this year. We were in the parking lot, chlling at the T000000NDRA. He looked pretty spiffy in his straw hat and shades. I thought he was a spy. Might as well have been.
25 Anyway, I asked him what stuff he had up his sleeve for this coming year. The sun shone off his sunglasses. He said, "Gonna make me a still!"
26
27 He proceeded to tell me that he and a couple of others who shall remain nameless are seriously thinking of getting together and making a still, with HVAC parts and copper tubing. Yup. A still. Hooch. Moonshine. Not at school. But a still. At home.
28 I asked if it was a little dangerous, and he assured me that once you get a certain ingredient which shall remain nameless out of the way, that you could make some pretty clean hooch.
29 I loved it. His partner in crime came up and concurred. We began to set up an alliance among us based on a little thing it was rumoured we used to have done at YB. Allow me to digress...
30 Back at YB, according to legend, several of us who shall remain nameless, but who were part of the infamous Burrito Gang on Fridays used to have a contingency plan if a disruptive student should run into our rooms in a "hyphie" state. It isn't rocket science to figure out when a hyper student is "hyphie". So we came up with a plan. Allegedly. At some point early in our lessons, we would ask the student if he would like to do us a favor. Purportedly.
31 Again, according to legend, those students ALWAYS wanted to do us a favor, because it meant he or she could leave class. Our mission went something like this; I've put it into a short fictional play. It's called Sam:
Sam
a short play by bud harrington
Curtain.
Classroom. One desk, the teacher's. His name is H.
Enter Sam, a student in a hyphie state.
H: Sam! How would you like to do me a favor?
Sam: Me? Sure!
H: Do you know who Mr. Russell is?
Sam: Yeah.
H: Do you know his room number?
Sam: Yeah. Well...I think so. No. Yeah...
H: What I need you to do is to go over and ask Mr. Russell if he has any left-handed chalk.
Sam: Left-handed...?
H: Chalk. Yeah. It has a bevel.
Sam: Left-handed chalk.
H: Yes.
Sam: Bevel.
H: Yes.
H writes Sam a pass. He points off. Sam looks down, looks up, looks at H. He exits.
Blackout.
Curtain.
The end.
32 Commentary: What Sam DIDN'T know was that there were enough teachers in on this that we would send him from room to room until the period ended. NOBODY would have left-handed chalk, of course, but we'd think of suggestions for Sam as to who MIGHT have it.
33 This was usually instituted on days when we would KNOW that Sam was off his nut, and was going to turn other students nutty instead of them focusing on our lessons. And yes, one guy does have the capacity to disrupt an entire lesson, and wind up in detention. This was a brilliant means of keeping order AND keeping Sam busy and safe from detention at the same time. Win-win.
34 So I shared that with a couple of like-minds at EV yesterday afternoon. They were rollin'. Hey, if they're making a STILL, then they could clearly be trusted. That's how it works.
35 Of course they wanted to institute left-handed chalk instantly at EV, but I told them that we are far too professional and serious to allow such debauchery to surface, especially in the somber atmosphere of education in 2011. And besides, the story I had shared was simply a legend, and not a fact, as far as people know.
36 So we decided against it, but did have a hearty laugh over it.
37 Because most people who know me KNOW that even with my little evil streak, and even if I HAD participated in such boorish behaviour, that I have outgrown those sorts of puerile tactics and thoughts when it comes to bringing brightness and edification to our youth.
38
39 So we had a few laughs, and the first nameless teacher invited me over to his house when the still is complete. Heck, I might even help them make the thing. It's right out of the Beverly Hillbillies.
40 As you can see, we are tanned, rested, and ready.
41 Wish all of us luck. We have very few supplies, very few rubles, very many cutbacks everywhere we turn, and yet the conversation was all about teaching, stills, and left-handed chalk.
42 I always give the younger teachers a couple of tidbits of advice. Some of you younger teachers out there might heed these words of wisdom.
43 First, regarding teaching: if you are a week behind, you are a week ahead; a truer word was never said.
44 Second, if anybody ever asks, "So you're a teacher? What do you teach?" the correct response is this: "Students."
45 ; ) <---------sideways way-cool winky guy
46 You then place tongue firmly in cheek, and respect the person who is inquiring. It's always a nice moment. They'll always ask. And you will always answer: "Students."
47 Because that is the truth. Subjects are subjects; standards are standards; English is English, science is science, drama is drama. But students are people.
48 We teach young people how to learn.
49 At least we try to.
50 I do.
51 So do you. In that regard, we're all teachers. If you are six and your brother is three, you are a teacher. All of us are. The greatness is thrust on everyone. <poof!>
52 So here's one for the ages. I appreciate the job that you do. Just do it well, with kindness, humor, and care. And maybe even some left-handed chalk. You just do it , and you do it well. Help make young people succeed. It's all you need do.
53 And for all you do...
54 Game on. Coffe break's over. Let's roll.
55 Peace.
~H~
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