May 11, 2011
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ATTENTION SAN JOSE SHARKS!!!
LEARN COCKINESS AND CONFIDENCE FROM THE GIANTS!!! YOU ARE THE BETTER TEAM! GET BIG!!!
The Daily News
1 I didn’t want to write about the Sharks today well, because.
2 But I sat down last night to write the DN early and really couldn’t think of anything worth a darned to write about. I didn’t want to write about that tepid, ridiculous loss. But how do you change the subject? They sat by lethargically and let the Red Wings win.
3 At first I thought about putting a picture of the Guinness Book of World Records Woman With the World’s Biggest Breasts with a headline, “Hey, Marcel!” but decided against it once I googled it.
4 I won’t tell you much but I will say this: it was pretty darned scary.
5 Evidently the largest are by some tugboat named Norma Stitz, which isn’t her real name anyway. Her real name is Annie-Hawkins Turner, for the record.
6 Fortunately for all of us, the DN is a family show, so I don’t really want even to post her stuff. It brings the entire thing into the C-/D- area if you ask me. I decided that Goofy on a sled works WAY better, and is in keeping with the DN’s incredibly moral standards of decency. Dammit. And the Sharks still own an idiotic loss. No spirit. Let one guy do all the work. I decided last night not to write about the Sharks. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Dudes. It works the other way too. Look to the Giants.
7 Things were so bad last night that I actually went to Yahoo! to see what was “trending up.” If you didn’t want to talk sports today there were other things going on in the world. Yahoo! has a list of things “trending up”.
8 Here’s their list:
1. Kate Gosselin
2. Chaz Bono
3. Lamar Odom
4. Whitney Houston
5. Commodities
6. Bin Laden’s son
7. Maria Shriver
8. Royal honeymoon
9. 401 (k)
10. Tiger Woods
9 It isn’t rocket science to see that there’s not much worth talking about.
10 I actually find that to be a really nice “problem”, because honestly? No news, my friends is always going to be good news. Still, are ya KIDDIN’ me?
11 Kate Gosselin inches out Chaz Bono for number-one trend?
12 Hmmm. I’ll bet I scooped every other Daily in the nation on THAT one.
13 Dude, clearly a WHOLE bunch of the world needs to get a life.
14 I couldn’t imagine ten more boringly pathetic topics. Are you guys kiddin’ me here? Whitney Houston? Where’s Richard Simmons, or Richard Hatch for that matter? Yeesh. Screeching, scratching nails. Somebody save me.
15 Hey, Marcel.
16 Hmmm.
17 Maybe I should goose my strategy a bit more.
18 Or maybe talk about the Sharks after all.
19 I watched the Giants’ game last night while writing this folderol, and Duane Kuiper said this somewhere around the eighth inning: “Sharks’ hockey.Torture.”
20 But as always, Darren Ford brought it all home. Posey walks, Ford gets put in and steals second so fast I thought the dirt sould catch fire, and then Ross singles down the line at third. Done. This enthusiasm triggered ME to go after the Goofy picture, and suddenly all’s right with the world.
21 But for goodness sakes.
22 The Sharks need to wake up and realize they have outshot and outplayed these buffoons all the way up to the point they got 3-0.
23 It becomes a jinx if you tell yourself it’s a jinx. Any coach around knows this. It’s mental. Period.
24 So Sharkies, come home, pop in some DVD’s of the Giants’ heroic run this year. It definitely had an effect on your play not too long ago. Get big. Sharks’ fans, show up downtown in droves of teal and black. Now’s the time.
25 Get huge and break these guys’ idiotic belief that they are better. Control the puck and keep it on THEIR end, and keep slappin’ shots at them. Get huge, and don’t put up with any boushit.
26 I’m not going to write about the Sharks today.
27 I refuse.
28 Let’s do this.
29 Peace.
~H~
