March 30, 2011
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1 I saw some advertisement on AOL about how to attain the body of a fashion model.
2 Uhhh…aren’t I already there?
3 Somewhere they flashed a picture of Richard Simmons.
4 I turntailed and ran screaming from my computer.
5 I absolutely must stop going to sleep early.
6 Because that is middle-of-the-night frights.
7 The trouble with being senile is that you don’t know if something actually happened in the middle-of-the night, or if you just dreamt it.
8 Usually it actually happens.
9 Especially if you watch teevee at three, or are up on your computer looking at AOL flashes, or listening to the radio.
10 Like right in the middle of watching some World Series of Poker show, AOL flashes something about being a beauty queen.
11 I look up, because I certainly see myself as one.
12 But then some picture of Richard Simmons morphs onto the screen, frightening you like those scary videos of old that were designed to scare the bejeezus out of you: a charming table with a bowl of fruit that suddenly flashes a picture of a dead woman’s face, and plays a screechy sound, for example. Remember those?
13 Going to sleep early has its advantages, don’t get me wrong.
14 But it brings with it an awakening during the witching hour.
15 So last night AOL flashed this stuff about having the body of a model or something, and I assumed they would use my picture illegally.
16 I was all set to goof on that entire concept, and then Richard Simmons screeched ugly at me.
17 I almost called a priest.
18 Moving on, Part the First: I’m reasonably convinced that Richard Simmons is Satan.
19 When he was younger and more spirited, maybe not. He was just a guy with terrible taste in workout clothing.
20 But now, oh, my. I won’t go there.
21 Moving on, Part the Second: And for the life of me I have no idea why I even keep AOL as my primary email address except that it has remained pretty consistent and stable, which I like.
22 AOL is an antique. They flash “news” at you, but if you try to click on the story, it changes before you can to another story. It’s like swinging at flies with a flappy swatter and always missing.
23 Most news nowadays is pretty contrived anyway. It’s what used to be called yellow journalism. Non-stories are now called news. Stuff about Charlie Sheen or American Idol are top headlines.
24 It’s the journalistic equivalent of a circus.
25 How about this. I say the word “Brad” and everybody and his brother knows who I mean.
26 Dude.
27 Brad is a non-story.
28 Let me throw THIS one at you. The Situation.
29 Ladeeez and Gents.
30 The Situation is a non-story, and non-news.
31 He’s just a putz.
32 I’m going to write a play about The Situation. I’ll call it Everymoron.
33 Gawd ‘elp us.
34 Ironically, I’m getting a lot of mileage writing about morons today.
35 Moving on, Part the Third: I’m thinking of going back to my old habit of eating paste.
36 Life is too stressful.
37 I want to work with crayons and paste again.
38 Just me.
39 I didn’t really awaken in the middle of the night last night.
40 I made that up so as to establish myself as having no credibility.
41 I realize that probably happened years ago.
42 I’m just having a come to JAY-zuss.
43 I better git while the gittin’s good.
44 Hope you enjoy your day. It’s “hump day”, which to me is downright incredible.
45 Who came up with THAT name?
46 Yeah, as I said, I better git…
47 Peace.
~H~
