December 13, 2010
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The Daily News
1 So…Latoya is now following me on Twitter.
2 I knew that in some way I was trending up lately, but really?
3 I don’t even know ANYONE named Latoya, never have.
4 So that could only mean ONE Latoya.
5 Folks, I’m flattered.
6 Moving on, Part One: The day before yesterday, as I was in the process of stumbling through Target, this sales guy sold me an iPhone 4.
7 I think that’s what it’s called.
8 If you know me, you know I’m not a hoity-toity sort of guy, especially in the technological world. I’m not cheap, mind you, but I’m also not a guy into buying the very best of everything so people think I’m cool.
9 I prefer just being genuinely cool.
10 Just kidding.
11 I said “Just kidding” because you don’t want to go around telling people you’re cool.
12 But seriously?
13 I don’t buy things so that people think I’m cool. That’s been a rule of mine for years.
14 My Mom didn’t raise me that way.
15 So I seldom buy things to show off. My house is small and humble, I’ve been driving the TOOOOOONDRA now for around eight years. I bought it for the purposes of practicality: it’s a workhorse, and a comfortable, wonderful Disney ride.
16 I seldom eat lunch in expensive restaurants. If I do go for lunch, I hit a place that sells steaming bowls of Pho.
17 Pho is now my favorite lunch, especially this time of year.
18 AnywayZ…
19 Yesterday I decided to buy the top-of-the-line cell phone. I was in Target for some cat food when I heard bells, like an old-skool land phone. I suddenly realized that it was my own cell phone, which my daughter Caitlin bought for me a few years ago off Amazon because my other cell phone finally bought the farm.
20 This one was a work horse, but would cut out all the time, no matter where I was. It had scratches, no internet access, and no camera or anything. Still, it was my security blanket. It was my ticket to the rest of the world. So I loved it, in all it’s scratchiness.
21 After years of dropped calls, lousy texting, and loss of friends, I finally got something that is extremely nice. I still owe Caitlin sixteen bucks and a lot of hugs for that old phone, but it’s time had come. I need to step into the twenty-first century. So I got this top-of-the line iPhone 4. Here it is, in all its glory:
22 Having been raised Catholic, I feel I don’t deserve it.
23 I’m a bad boy; I don’t deserve anything.
24 That’s a Catholic upbringing, in my eyes. Honestly. I never went too stylish as a kid, and as an adult, never felt the need for too many material things. A large part of me likes that, in a giving sort of way.
25 So yeah.26 The iPhone 4 is atomic. It does EVERYTHING except blend drinks, and I think that’s only because I can’t find the app.
27 But I love that I’m now cool enough to drop cool words like “app”.
28 New cool words. I sold sports clothing and memorabilia for years, and made some pretty clean money in the process, since it was commission sales, and began at twenty per cent during the heyday of stadium rock concerts.
29 I realize that the business of selling clothes has a really cool handle now: “merch”.
30 While I got rich doing this stuff, I never once heard the word “merch”. Not once.
31 Well, rich is all relative. I used to make around $1500 to $2000 per concert.
32 We were told never to tell anyone, or our percentage might drop.
33 Amazing money.
34 Unfortunately, it was when I was younger, so the money sort of drifted in, and went out in style. I once made almost $2300 at a Stones’ concert. This was YEARS ago, so you can’t even imagine, and they paid us in cash! On the way home from a grueling two ten-hour days, I stopped at a flower stand, bought around six or seven bouquets of roses, and then decorated them with fifty dollar and hundred dollar bills, using single dollars for ornaments, put them all around our apartment, and planted Rolling Stones album covers at various spots. Talk about a celebration! Got me some satisfaction!
35 The following day I went into a store, listened to an awesome stereo, easily worth $1500, and told the guy I would take it if he would give it to me for $900.
36 He laughed, looking at me as some poor guy off the street or something.
37 I reached in my wallet, and pulled out $900. His eyes popped out and his pants fell down.
38 Within seconds, I had two stock boys loading that amazing unit into my car.
39 Everybody’s dream.
40 “Merch”. Indeed.
41 Like everything else, those days calmed down. I made fortunes off such awesome bands as Pink Floyd, Foreigner, Journey, The Rolling Stones, The Who, GreenDay, Santana, Metallica, Bruce Springsteen, New Kids on the Block, Wham!, U2, and nearly anyone else on the rock scene.
42 I also spent it on life.
43 I’m much more careful about money these days, but yeesh.
44 I honestly don’t know what I spent it on though. I never really had a great car, television, house, etc. Somehow the money came and went. I suspect a LOT went to teaching and shows, however. It was always easier to buy stuff and then try to get reimbursed.
45 I seldom would get back the money I would put into the shows. It just came off taxes.
46 Anyway, the new phone is a lark, but it’s also pretty complicated to a guy who is into simplicity.
47 Like I pushed one of the “apps” and my refrigerator door opened. Bach began playing, and a martini was on the top shelf, complete with simple tini glass and olive.
48 It looks like this thing is the real deal. I tried taking pictures with it, but I honestly couldn’t figure out how. I pushed some button, and the picture on the LCD screen circled closed like the ending of a Chaplin film.
49 I spent half my life yesterday trying to “synch” the thing with my iTunes. Took me a while to get the hang of it. I also had to load in all my phone numbers. I almost called about a hundred people, but decided most people couldn’t care less that you got a new phone.
50 It’s a big deal to me, I imagine, because I never had something this elaborate before. Today everyone seems to have Blackberries and stuff, so even though I’ve been reasonably computer savvy over the years, I’m pretty far behind when it comes to Twittering, texting, AIM (which I hate) and all the rest.
51 But I’m ready for the world now.
52 Anyway, if Latoya heard about it and started following me on Twitter, then I am flattered, dude. I got on Twitter last year at some point, saw that it was like walking through empty metal corridors, and decided it wasn’t my scene.
53 I totally don’t “get” Twitter. It’s just weird to me. You follow people, or they follow you. As I said, not my scene.
54 Well, I guess that’s the news. I have hot, famous stars following me around all of a sudden, and I feel like a millionaire for the first time in my life.
55 I’m not so certain I like it, but we’ll see.
56 Anyway, before I zip outta here, I want to wish all the students out there a TON of luck on their finals. I keep up with stuff, and I am really proud of so many of you who have been busting your asses off for the past few years. I don’t know how you all have managed it, but kudos, and lots of love and luck this grueling week. You’ll all come out of it in one piece. You always do. So step up, and take the world by storm this week. You’ve done it, you can do it. Fight to the finish, and enjoy the glory you have earned.
57 See you on the back end.
58 Peace.
~H~
