December 9, 2010
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The Daily News
1 Last week, I noticed that Lucky’s gives you these stamps that get you something for all your business. I had no idea what, but the clerks continued to give me stamps each time I would make purchases. The higher the bottom line, the more stamps.
2 I had no idea as to what you could win, but I just started saying, “Yes,” when they would give me those things. I had no idea where to put them, so I started putting them in my wallet.
3 The other day I went to a Wells Fargo ATM to do some transaction or other.
4 So I grabbed my ATM card and stuck it into the ATM, and at the last moment, noticed that about eight Lucky’s stamps had clung to my card.
5 I closed my eyes, certain that my card would get caught up in all the whatever machinery makes those things go.
6 After a few seconds of buffering, the machine made a sort of clunking sound, and within seconds, dozens of frying pans came flying out of the cash dispenser and crashing to the ground. They clanged and clunked and rolled around the ground. One lid rolled out to the parking lot like a hubcap.
7 I stood astonished.
8 I stood there for a moment staring at the frying-pan strewn mess that suddenly surrounded me. My immediate thoughts were these: “What am I going to do with all these frying pans?” “Who thought of this?” And of course, “Sayyyyyyy…maybe I could USE these bad boys!”
9 Then I woke up.
10 Ain’t that life?
11 At least I realized what you get if you are patient and save those stamps.
12 Who doesn’t want free cooking apparatuses?
13 For the record, the plural of “apparatus” is “apparatus”. OR “apparatuses”.
14 Who knew?
15 I was hoping that the plural MIGHT be “apparati”. Nah.
16 Moving on, Part the First: Okay, here’s a fun story.
17 Last week I thought about how as a young teacher, I always looked to the seasoned veterans for enlightenment.
18 At YB, we always had them.
19 In my earliest days, a seasoned vet named John Edwards was my inspiration. I thought he was the sharpest teacher I had ever met.
20 One day, I fell into a conversation with John. I don’t recall exactly what brought it up, but we started a discussion on themes for our lessons.
21 He looked up in his infinite wisdom and said, “Bud, one theme that always brings amazing discussions is this one, which I put my Honors’ kids on: ‘God as joker’.”
22 I just stood there knowing I was in the presence of brilliance.
23 I asked him to explain, but he said, “You’ll get it soon enough.”
24 God as joker.
25 I absolutely LOVED the creativity, the brilliance, and the simple beauty of that.
26 I never really was brave enough to bring it to my own classes, but always smiled at the concept.
27 Well, last night it happened.
28 I was in Save Mart, shopping for a few things, and in a hurry to get home. A part of me wanted nothing to do with Lucky’s and their frying pans. I had very few items, and then saw that all the lines had up to six people in them. I looked at the carts and baskets to see which line had the least amount of items, and parked it there.
29 An elderly gentleman pulled his cart directly behind me, and cheerfully said, “This is as good a line as any.”
30 I laughed, and assured him that the items are what constitute a line, not the amount of people.
31 He agreed, and then said, “It doesn’t matter which line you choose. It will inevitably be the slower line.”
32 I laughed, and we both spoke of how there are cosmic jokes that repeatedly happen to some people.
33 I agreed, and we shared a hearty laugh.
34 Well, our line moved pretty swiftly. We exchanged a few more life philosophies between two absolute strangers, and enjoyed the brief wait.
35 When I checked out, I looked at him, a total stranger, and said, “Have a great holiday!”
36 He returned the gesture, and I traveled home in the warmth of the T000000NDRA.
37 The sky did what the sky does every night, and that is to darken beginning around five p.m.
38 I had a GREAT teaching day, one of the best, but I was also exhausted. I had worked hard all week, and couldn’t wait to get into the house and onto the couch, just to nap and enjoy the rain outside. All I had to do was to unlock the front door, go in, put things away, and hit the couch.
39 When I reached in my pocket to secure the keys, the bags in my hand all shifted, and one bag on the bottom began to slip.
40 I hustled the front door, but that bag slipped slowly and tortuously toward my knee. Once the door opened, I shot quickly to the kitchen counter and then kneed the bag that kept slipping.
41 Suddenly, I felt an explosion. It was almost like a painless gunshot, but within seconds I felt something cold traveling down my left leg.
42 What happened was that the bag had slipped, and instinctively I smashed my left thigh into the bag, which had caught on a metal knob on a kitchen drawer, puncturing a carton of chocolate milk I had bought for morning coffee.
43 As it was dark, I didn’t quite get what was happening. I just felt the milk showering over my pants, shoes, and onto the floor. I wasn’t wearing glasses, so the entire thing was turning into a Western tragedy.
44 All the pets in the house came over and started barking and meowing, while I tried to get the three bags of impulse buys onto the kitchen counter. The draining of the chocolate milk carton seemed to go on forever.
45 I finally did the classic burst of strength that we all have in us, and plopped everything on the counter.
46 I swiftly grabbed my glasses, threw them on all crookedly, turned on the kitchen light, and looked down at the spill.
47 It was a chocolate spill that could match any oil spill we’ve ever seen in the news.
48 Chocolate milk had spread through half the kitchen floor. The cats started lapping it up. The dog kept barking.
49 And I began laughing.
50 God as joker.
51 I looked at the half-gallon milk carton hanging on the drawer knob like a wet hat.
52 It had a clear entrance wound in its occipital parietal area, where the knob had entered.
53 I thought of calling the police, but thought better of it.
54 Instead, I just took off my pants and shirt, set them aside, grabbed a ghetto towel, and mopped it all up. Quite a sight, I must say.
55 As nobody was home, I just laughed and said out loud, “No use crying over spilled milk!”
56 Amazing.
57 I put on some summer shorts, gathered everything together in one big lump, and threw it all in the wash.
58 It’s sort of funny how we finish our work and are always in such a hurry to relax.
59 After a nice shower, I got a wine glass and filled it with the remaining chocolate mile. It filled just right, and I eventually relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the night.
60 God as joker.
61 I’ll see you again.
52 Peace.
~H~
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