November 23, 2010
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The Daily News
1 So…the mystery continues, in a Disney sort of way.
2 If you follow the DN on a daily basis, then you know that the day before yesterday I thought that a homeless guy had broken into our backyard playhouse, and was taking residence.
3 I thought this because the day before, the door to the playhouse was locked. Since the thing was built circa1823, the door has NEVER been locked.
4 It served as a playhouse when Caitlin and Nicoley were half-pints, and went on to become a makeshift storage shed for lawnmowers, garden tools, holiday boxes, and other things that you throw into a shed.
5 But it has never been locked, so I was alarmed that a homeless person might have been getting in out of the rain, and that he didn’t want to be bothered, so he locked the door.
6 The other night I thought I saw a bright, dangling lightbulb in the upstairs window.
7 I had walked outside after dark to think of ideas for the DN. It’s just a ritual, but I like looking at the night sky for inspiration.
8 When I looked across, I thought that whoever was in there thought I wasn’t home, and turned on a light to read.
9 The place has no electricity, but I mistook the lightbulb for the one in my garage loft, which DOES have electricity. I wasn’t thinking straight, but I seldom do after a day of teaching. In my head, it had electricity because I flashed on the light in the loft. Fear can keep one from thinking straight.
10 I got scared, because I thought the guy might have a gun, so I called the police. They came out, walked all around, and assured me that I was okay. I’m guessing they rolled their eyes when they took off, because the house directly behind the playhouse has a window with a dangling bulb in it. It was just that it was WAY dark out, and the sillhouettes of the trees blended everything into one huge hallucination.
11 And no, I wasn’t on crack, but I did have a glass of chocolate milk.
12 AnywayZ, I felt pretty stupid once the paranoia subsided.
13 So yesterday I decided to double-lock all doors and windows at home. I put a relatively new key on my key chain and even tested it, because my old key is pretty rickety.
14 I got home at around five, only to find that the key I had put on my keychain was no longer there. Where’d it go? Why do things like that happen? I figured it was just an ironic twist on an ironic coupla days. We have been tearing the house apart lately what with the girls moving out and all, so I found old sets of keys. I threw one set out because they were so old. I even woke up in the middle of the night thinking that one set has a skeleton key on it, and I am a fan of skeleton keys.
15 It was one of those 3 a.m. things where I sat bolt upright and thought, “Rescue the skeleton key!” I swear to you, and yesterday morning I went through the recycling looking for the keys, but they had long been thrown away.
16 I have to think that when I put the newer house key on the key chain, I probably put it on the old set of keys. Effects do happen usually because of a cause.
17 Anyway, I got home and found that my old key wouldn’t unlock the door, and that the place was locked up tighter than Fort Knox.
18 But everyone knows how to break into their own homes, right?
19 Wrong.
20 I did notice that one window had been left slightly open, but had like a two foot by one-and-a half foot opening. Perfect for a little guy like me, right?
21 Hey, I’ve gotten in to smaller places than this.
22 So I opened it, and suddenly had this hole about the size of a square rabbit hole.
23 I thought it was awesome, in a Disney sort of way.
24 I thought to myself, “When you hand papers back, you seem to make it through small aisles and all. You can easily get through that window!”
25 I looked out at the street to see if any neighbors were around, thinking that if they saw my feet dangling out of a window, they might call the police, and my life would become an instant sit-com.
26 But all was autumnally peaceful, what with wet leaves, November silence, and dappled shadows.
27 I took off my coat, AND my shoes.
28 I just figured I had more of a chance to slip through if I wasn’t encumbered.
29 I wasn’t sure whether to go in feet first or just do a missile plunge. Either way it was going to look ridiculous if I didn’t slip right through.
30 I decided on feet first, but the angles just didn’t do it.
31 So I thought, “Do the missile entrance!”
32 Please, no pictures.
33 I put my hands together like Michael Phelps, and dove through.
34 Amazingly, my entire upper torso made it through swimmingly.
34 But my feet and legs got jangled, so I inched out, and suddenly felt like Winnie-the-Pooh.
35 I popped out, and THEN tried a second time.
36 Madness. I thought that the whole Einstein/Franklin/Brown or whoever tossed the “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” thing into the wide, wonderfully inaccurate world of the internet needed their ass kicked at that moment. All I thought about was a third try. I’m from the “If at first you don’t succeed…” set. I set my sights and thought “Victory is within reach!”
37 Ah…nah.
38 I decided to go around the house and try the “old-skool” method of popping window screens and hoping for an open window.
39 <basketball buzzer>
40 All new windows.
41 Tried my cell phone to get someone to come help.
42 <basketball buzzer> For the first time EVER, this cell phone battery had run down to nothing.
43 I looked to the skies for answers. Zeus was out to lunch.
44 I then saw my coat thrown over an old chair, my shoes in the mud, and amazingly, a bottle of champagne on the doorstep. I had bought a bottle of champagne and set it on the doorstep when I had to get out my key that wasn’t there.
45 I thought to myself, “Hey, when life gives you lemons…”
46 It was right out of a Chaplin movie.
47 I decided that if I popped the cork, I might eventually throw the bottle through the window.
48 I decided against that route.
49 Sat down, in sepia hues, and pondered.
50 “I know!” <silent movie music up, but slight, and crackly>
51 “I’ll try the old key again. It must have a little left in it!”
52 I did. It didn’t at first, but after some initial shaking, I heard the metal parts all click, or whatever happens to doorknobs when you turn them, and lo! The door opened, and I was in safely!
53 In geometry, I always had to do a hundred steps more than my classmates in order to prove a theorem.
54 That is if you prove theorems. I can’t even remember.
55 Anyway, that’s the continuing story. it was a combination of Poe, the Greeks, Disney, and Chaplin all thrown into one universal Truth.
56 I’ll be darned if I know what that Truth is, or whether Einstein, or Twain, or even Socrates said that bit about insanity.
57 I just know that if at first you don’t succeed, make lemonade. Or chocolate.
58 Or something like that.
59 Have a grand day.
60 Peace.
~H~
