November 18, 2010
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The Daily News
1 Dude, I'm buffering. I don't know about you, but I've decided to buffer.
2 You know how your computer always "buffers"?
3 Excuse me, but isn't it fookin' 2010? How do we not have the technology to get rid of buffering.
4 Suppose we ALL started "buffering"? Like at work, or like when we are all over the internet? Suppose we all decided to "buffer" for a week?
5 I would probably not get fired if I told my principal that I was simply "buffering", right? Evidently we all have tons of patience with "buffering."
6 I'm sure you would agree.
7 Other things about computers really irk me, and I'm not an easily irkable sort.
8 For example, when I try to buy tickets or something? The company gives me like thirty seconds to fill out about seven minutes of info.
9 And if it's something huge, like a Stephen Hawking lecture, it will buffer so that all the cosmic particles suddenly dissipate, and I'm standing sans Hawking tix.
10 Or when you are applying for some stupid website or other, and they suddenly tell you to write some weird, twisted series of letters, with a sort of "what's this?" sign.
11 One out of two times I'm able to write what they wrote. Names like "Ainsley Dubab" or "Otlook McGever". WTH? <--------WAY cool and clever abbreve for "What the heck?" AnywayZ...
12 What gives YOU the right to take my time away with idiotic "what's this?" stuff?
13 I now have them deciper something from me. I looks sort of like this: "Skru Yu."
14 I mean dude, really.
15 I could pretty much live without the internet and get by pretty well without all your "buffering" and strange, cryptic boushit.
16 Just don't need it.
17 To wit: Do you think you could live a week without going online?
18 I mean, it's entertaining and all, and it's wonderful talking to old and new acquaintences, but really?
19 For the vast majority of us, it's just shootin' the breeze. I'm of the ilk that doing that in person is so much warmer and nicer.
20 I disappear for weeks at a time in the summer completely sans computer, and somehow return not only in one piece, but in one peace.
21 <groan> English teachers, I swear to you.
22 Moving on, Part the First: Speaking of which, I floored our English Department yesterday with a knock knock joke forwarded to me by the venerable Paul Long, of the Heidi Chronz fame, but also of the personal-friend-of mine fame.
23 You ready?
24 I said the same thing to my seventh period class.
25 You ready?
26 Okay, here go:
knock knock.
who's there?
to.
to who?
to whom.
27 Ahahahahahahaha!
28 This proves that English teachers DO have lives, right?
29 Uh...right?
30 Thanks Pablo. Knew you were lookin', and I thought it was a pretty cute joke, man.
31 I guess it's all about amusing as opposed to forced humor. Sort of like Pacquaio belting out Imagine last night in Vallejo. Roll over, William Hung.
32 As a teacher, I'd love to restore class to humanity.
33 <finger snaps, and three more English teachers just wandered out of the meeting.>
34 Anyway, I think I'm sort of "buffering" today.
35 It's sort of like taking a moment to spin around and goof on your headache.
36 And what do I take when the headache won't go away?
37 Bufferin'.
38 Okay, okay, so you wanna shuck some fruit at me. I'm down.
39 But really?
40 I'm at the District Office today, so you are all freed of my idiocy.
41 At least 'til 3 p.m.
42 After that, I'm going to go back to the drawing board and brainstorm more of these amazing tidbits.
43 I bet you can't hardly wait.
44 Well, <buffering>. I do know it's "could hardly wait". I knows me English.
45 Have a great day. Do some "buffering" when nobody's looking; it's clearly socially acceptable.
46 Peace.
~H~
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