November 8, 2010
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"I guess there's two things that'll always be in the world--dirt and homework."
--Wally Cleaver
The Daily News
1 Hey, Wally!!!!2 Yesterday was yet another emotional day. First, my wonderful daughter Nicoley moved out. A lot of things simply stood unspoken, but Miss Harrington is in her first year teaching, and finally has a place of her own.
3 She's all growed up.
4 This year she and I talked teaching in between innings, and any time life handed us a moment or two.
5 We both prepared on weekends, during Giants' torture, and ultimately, during Giants' becoming World Champions.
6 We exchanged war stories every chance we could.
7 Anybody who knows Miss Harrington knows that she can tell a story better than anyone on the planet.
8 I think that I'm pretty good at storytelling too, but her daily anecdotes kept me smiling and loving this amazing profession. She takes storytelling to a level of pure art.
9 Anyway, about a week ago, in the midst of all this Mid-Fall Night's Dream, I happened upon this dog-eared book called Life According to Beaver. The author, Irwyn Applebaum, who, in his Foreward to this charming book, stated: "Let me offer my 'because', as Beaver might say, my excuse, why an adult from a respectable family with two Ivy League degrees and a responsible job found joy and happiness working on a book about the Beaver."
10 Amen, my good fellow.
11 He called it "a special understanding of what it means to be a kid."
12 Last Christmas Nicole gave me a box-set of this lovely old sit-com, and we spent parts of the summer watching episode after episode, and laughing at the love, the laughs, and a philosphy of life from the perspective of a kid.
13 Our favorite episodes, naturally, were of how much school plays a role in our eventual makeup as adults, in a world that is clearly distant from those innocent days.
14 And to any kid, school becomes the center of a kid's universe.
15 When I listened to Nicole tell me stories of her own kindergarten class, I teared up, and laughed beyond anything since the days of yore that painted my own young days, which only now seems like a water-color painting that has dried out in the weeds.
16 So yesterday morning, while we were recovering from Saturday antics, grading papers, preparing classes, and all the rest, I read some amusing excerpts from Applebaum's book to Miss Harrington while she sipped coffee, probably with her mind attached to the move, and lots of other things. My rantings about the book were a bit secondary on a busy morning, but the excerpts from the actual scripts started the day off exactly the way a day like that should start. She heard the stories, and I'm guessing on second glance, will smile this morning.
17 The book is extraordinary, and you almost want to paste a cover of Beowulf over it so people don't know that you are reading something so goofy.
18 But today's DN is going to include excerpts from the wit and wisdom at the very heart of the Cleaver household.
19 So sit back, and enjoy the ancient philosphies of life in black-and white. It is as pure as Shakespeare, as anguished as Socrates, and as soulful as Aretha.
20 Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the chapter called quite simply, "School". It's a great way to spend ten minutes on a rainy Monday morning.
21 So hold on to your baseball caps! Here go:
**************************************************************************************************
Beaver: Dad, in business, how often do you have to invert fractions?Ward: Well, almost never, Beaver, but that's not the question. Solving problems like these teaches you how to thinik and prepares you for your future life.
Beaver: Gee, I didn't know school prepared you for anything. I thought it was just something you had to sit through.
***********************************
Beaver: I hope it's one of those neat colleges like I see in the movies where everyone is always singin' an' havin' fun all the time.Ward: Beaver, let me tell you one of the hard facts of life. There just aren't any colleges like that in the whole world.
Beaver: Yeah, I kinda figured that. I didn't really think any teacher would get up and sing lessons to his class, even if he was Bing Crosby.
*********************************
The Duck
by Theodore Cleaver
3rd Grade
Once I wished I was a duck
Cause most ducks have lotsa luck
They swim around all day in a pool
And most never have to go to skool.
Then I saw a duck
Hanging in a Butcher store
And I didnt wanna be
A duck no more.*********************************
Wally: You go in the morning, and if you've done your homework, it's all right. If you haven't done your homework, they holler at ya. That's all there is to school.*********************************
Beaver: I didn't write it dumb--it came out dumb.
*********************************
Eddie: Hey, on problem number five in math, what did you get for an answer?
Wally: What did you get?
Eddie: I got three good answers.
Wally: Let's see, mine came out to 61.873.
Eddie: Very good.
Wally: Is that what you got?
Eddie: I got it now.
Wally: Come on, Eddie. What are you trying to pull? Besides, the teacher is going to want to see how you arrived at the answer.
Eddie: No he won't. I got a gimmick. The solution I write out real crummy; the answer I write out real neat. By the time old man Brownley tries to figure out the solution, he's so shook he's happy to settle for the answer.
***********************************
Dear Miss Canfield,
I have received your note dated two days ago, the one sent home with Theodore. I have whipped him, his father has whipped him. He is sorry, we are very sorry.Your friend
Mrs. Ward Cleaver
(the Beavers mother) [crossed out]
Theodore's
**************************************Dear Miss Landers,
We are all shocked by what Beaver said. Especially his wife, who is a lady. I have washed out his mouth with soap and beat him up three times. I hope, because I have done this so good, I won't have to come down to school.
Yours truly,
Ward Cleaver, Theodore's father.
***************************************Judy: Miss Landers, while we were pledging allegiance to the flag, Beaver was looking out the window. And I don't think that's very patriotic.
Miss Landers: Beaver, you're supposed to look at the flag; you know that.
Beaver: I was loking at the flag outside on the pole.
Miss Landers: Well, from now on, we'll all look at the flag inside. Now, as I started to say---what is it, Larry?
Larry: If we're pledging allegiance outside, do we have to look at the flag inside?
Miss Landers: We'll have a discussion on that some other time.
****************************************
Beaver: You know somethin', Mom--our lima bean died yesterday.
June: Your lima bean died?
Beaver: Yeah, our class was growin'it on a piece of blotter on the windowsill. Some of the guys say it died the day before, but I think it died yesterday. We still got our potato though. It growed a new wart on Monday.
*****************************************
Eddie: Hold it Alvin, hold it. I can see you're getting the wrong picture. You don't measure college by the courses they can give you. It's by the fraternities. Look, pay attention close. You guys can graduate with your Ph.D.s, your B.A.s, whatever, but just let me get next to a fraternity brother whose old man is the president of some oil company, and I got it made.
Wally: Cut it out, Eddie. It doesn't matter who you get next to. You still have to have an education.
Barry: That's right; the whole business of who you know instead of waht you know is out the window.
Eddie: Aw, hold it. I can see you guys are going to need some briefing. Look, you're up in the frat house filling up those bags of water to throw out the window. If the guy you're filling those bags with is a senator's son, he can do you a lot more good than old Professor Glockenspiel in the science lab!
*******************************************
Wally: Look, I been going to school all my life. You can't get in trouble by keeping your mouth shut.*******************************************
Beaver: Hey, Richard, look at all the books.Richard: What do you want to look at books for?
Beaver: Our teacher, Mr. Blair, says that books are our friends and they speak to us.
Richard: Tell me one book that ever said, "hello" to you.
Beaver: It's just a teacher expression, like, "Let's put on our thinking caps." If you wore a hat in the classroom, He's send you right to the principal.
*********************************************
Beaver: The principal sent for dad? Oh, boy! Wally must have done this time.
June: What do you mean?
Beaver: Well, when you're a little bad, you get sent down to the principal. And if you do somethin' badder, he gives you a note for your father, but when they ask you to bring your father into school, you know you've had it. (Happy thought) Hey, maybe Wally will even be expelled!
*********************************************
Miss Landers: To deliberately miss a day of school means that you don't respect your school or the value of an education.
Beaver: I respect the school. I never write on the walls or anything.
Miss Landers: Beaver, you might have learned something here today, no matter how small, that might have stood you in good stead the rest of your life. Why, it's just as though you took a day out of your life and threw it away. Do you understand that?
Beaver: I think so. I guess if I'm going to throw any days away, I should do it with a Saturday.
Miss Landers: Well, Beaver, I don't think it's wise to throw any days away, but especially school days. There's so much to learn, Theodore, and so little time to learn it.
Beaver: Well, I'm sorry, Miss Landers...and to make up for what I didn't learn today, I'll learn twice as much tomorrow as I'm supposed to.
*********************************************
22 That's it. A brief look at School through the eyes of students.
23 Timeless, charmless, and so simple.
24 I have to go in now and finish up grades, holler at students who didn't do their homework, and enjoy a chuckle or two, an occurence that happens each and every day in the classroom.
25 Miss Harrington reminds me a lot of Miss Landers, and I wish nothing more than a lifetime of tears, laughs, and inspirations, all of which go both ways.
26 And thank you, old man Applebaum, for getting all of that down on paper so that the rest of us could re-visit the wonderful world of school. Great writers, wonderful old show. Old school, in all it's glory.
27 It's Monday.
28 Hope this brightened your morning.
29 And thanks to Beaver, Wally, and all their goofy friends for keeping it pure.
30 Peace.
~H~
www.xanga.com/bharrington
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