September 8, 2010
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The Daily News
1 Sometimes, I dunno. Sometimes I actually feel inferior to idiots.
2 I'm sorry, did I use the politically-incorrect "idiots"?
3 Anyway, take sunglasses, for example. Sometimes I go into Lucky's or Safeway, and see guys hunting for vegetables, but they are still wearing their sunglasses, as if the sun is still shining on the vegetables. Jersey Shore, right?
4 It always trips me out when I see people doing that, because it is quite clear to me that they are COMPLETELY removed from reality.
5 And somehow, I ALWAYS think that they have a certain coolness, because I've tried it.
6 Dude.
7 I've tried it. I've tried shopping in a supermarket while wearing sunglasses.
8 It really can't be done. You NEED to see prices, tiny markings, warnings, and all the rest.
9 And since I have to wear reading glasses even at my young age, I have to at some point take OFF my sunglasses and put my reading glasses on so that I could see which product gives the best deal.
10 Goofy.
11 I am thoroughly convinced that those people who walk into supermarkets and emerge sucessfully even though they wear sunglasses the entire shopping trip, that those people are actually talented, in a dumb guy sorta way:
13 In part I feel inferior to them. I absolutely have to see the prices so I can compare and be somewhat resourceful, especially in the age of the diminishing dollar.
14 Fortunately, I sometimes do this: I put my reading glasses OVER my sunglasses, so I look like John Lennon being frivolous, or some such thing. I always think of this picture of Lennon wearing around five pairs of glasses.
15 I did that the other day, put my reading glasses over my sunglasses, and realized that a bag of Fuji apples at Lucky's cost $8.99. I rested assured that Sunglass Boy would have just seen that they were Fuji's and would toss them into his cart without blinking.
16 I instantly put them back, but when I shifted, my reading glasses crashed to the floor of the fruit section.
17 Mortified that I was no longer as cool as Sunglass Boy, I grabbed them and swiftly swished them into my left shirt pocket. Close one.
19 I'm always amazed also at guys who can wear sunglasses backwards on their heads, and they always seem to fit like a glove. They're usually bald guys presumably on steroids, because their heads always look like someone blew them up with an air pump, and that they somehow worked out with their heads.
20 Anyway, their sunglasses NEVER fall off their heads. If I tried that, they'd slide off and hit the floor. No worries; I'd never even attempt that feat.
22 Yesterday I wore this straw sorta western straw hat to the store. I always do my gardening in it cuz it is just a perfect old hat, and goes well with a shovel and a pick.
23 I brought sunglasses just because it's been so sunny. Well, yesterday was gloomy and overcast, but I'm pretty much a creature of habit. It's just that my sunglasses didn't fit on my hat, so once in the store, I didn't really know what to do with them. I put them around my neck, but TWICE the fell back into the cart.
24 I thought to myself, "What would an idiot do?"
25 I wound up wearing them around my neck. As I went through the line, all was pretty cool. I hoped nobody would notice my sunglass necklace. As I looked about, I noticed instantly that nearly everybody walking around was oblivious. I checked out, started out the store, and my sunglasses fell and caught on the neck of my shirt.
26 I quickly tried to throw them into the bag, but they caught up on the receipt.
27 As I said earlier, goofy.
28 Literally. I felt like I was in a cartoon. Goofy Goes Shopping.
29 I finally tipped them into the bag, and decided it was ridiculous to have ever brought them anyway, since there was a marine layer lying heavily all over Sannozay yesterday.
30 That was enough to shake a fellow up.
31 On the way home, the car next to me came bumping up with some really loud music. The car was amusingly small, but I looked over, because I always like to take a gander at what an idiot looks like.
32 For one thing, the guy was monstrous. Wife beater, thick arms, huge grips on the wheel.
33 Dark sunglasses. In fact, I think they were tinted.
34 California cool
35 It crossed my mind that as idiotic as that guy came across, I still felt he was clearly cooler than I was.
36 Ah, vell. I put my groceries down and started looking through them to see what sorts of things I bought in my neurosis. Chicken. Parmesan. Salad makings.
37 Sunglasses.
38 Laughs.
39 I wound up making a pretty nice Chicken Parmesan with a side of shades, and thought I'd try to alleviate the mugginess. Had a cold drink and finally rested, pondering all this about why and how I had come to feel inferior to all the stupidity I see on a daily basis.
40 There are no answers.
41 The world used to worship intelligence, humor, manners, and old movies.
42 We've now gone Jersey Shore.
43 I'm goin' back to sleep.
44 Wake me up when September ends, willya?
45 Peace.
~H~
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