August 17, 2010
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Ladeeeez and Gentlemenz!!! For your absolute playzhure…now in its 15th frabjous year…
The Daily News!!!!
Yay, Mickey!
1 Oh, pleeeze! Oh, thenkyew thenkyew thenkyou!2 The world’s first “blog”!
3 Haha, well, not really. But it’s GREAT to be back, on this, the first day of the school year!
4 Actually, YESTERDAY we reported for duty, and it was a circus, quite naturally.
5 To begin with, I must congratulate Rachael and Jack Davis for a lovely wedding in July! I got to sing La Vie En Rose, and it utterly DEFINED this awesome summer!!!
6 But wait! It’s STILL summer! WTH?
7 Well, that’s the way it’s rollin’ in edu these dayz.
8 AND my beautiful, beautiful daughter Caitlin is engaged to the best guy ever!
9 Congrats, congrats, congrats!!!
10 Now let us delve into the wide, wonderfully colorful world of edumacation!
11 We technically started yesterday with meetings telling us all about the doom and gloom that is edumacation in the world, circa 2010.12 We had a meeting yesterday telling us that edumacation is CLEARLY no longer important to stupid America.
13 Who knew?
14 Somehow, however, we all enter this year with LOTSA hope, despite all.
15 I’ll go off on all of that as the year moves forward, but what was it like yesterday?
16 The first thing I noticed was cosmetics.
17 Huh?
18 Dude. As a teacher, you HAVE to be cleansed and hygienic, every minute of every day!
19 So I did my entire hygiene routine. Cut the nails, plucked my eyeballs, and drenched myself in Pert shampoo.
20 Right away, I noticed something strange. Now a bit about Pert shampoo: on tech days, we always had a HUGE bottle of Pert shampoo in the boys’ bathroom at YB. This worked, because tech people sweat and hammer and paint all day, and we smell like the Wreck of the Hesperus at the end of each tech.
21 The soap dispensers in the Theatre bathroom were notoriously neglected, so we often had to push that little soap thingy that would throw those dry grains of soap on our filthy hands. Most times, we had to sort of pull the wet vestiges of said soap onto our hands and hope for the best. This included wet rust. Nothing like cleanliness.
22 So one day, I decided to grab a HUGE bottle of Pert, and it smelled so nice and it worked famously when we had not only to clean up at the end of the day, but also when we had to use it to sorta “powder our noses” on special occasions, like when we couldn’t get home to shower and shave and all…Pert was our Warrior!
23 So for old times’ sake, I showered yesterday with a fresh bottle of Pert.
24 Have you ever had a really dependable cosmetic suddenly offer TOO many variances? It’s like the choices we have to make with EVERYTHING. They have medium hair, fine hair, no hair (HA!) and all sorts of other choices. And that’s for every single product we buy!
25 AnywayZ, I made the mistake of just grabbin’ one of those green bottles and pouring it all over myself yesterday.
26 Suddenly, I sensed some sort of icy weirdness, and a strangely alarming menthol smell.
27 Since I don’t wear my glasses in the shower, I immediately assumed that this was some sort of mutant menthol shampoo.
28 I rubbed my face a few times with the stuff, and then smelled my arm.
29 It smelled NOTHING like Pert! It smelled like menthol. Menthol.
30 Dude, I was MORTIFIED! I want to WASH with this stuff, not smoke it!
31 They now make MENTHOL Pert!
32
33 Ah, vell.34 I also noticed that they have SCENTED deodorant.
35 Now here’s a word about SCENTED deodorants…they DON’T work! They make someone smell like they’ve been wearing the same shirt for a week. Ever have someone come up and chat with you, and they smell like their deodorant?
36 I had this boss years ago when I was in the furniture biz, Old Man Goldsmith, and every single day his two-day SCENTED deodorant made all of us run for the hills the second he would leave!
37 Scary, cosmetics.
38 Anyway, that was how the day began, with MENTHOL smell. Thank goodness I have a nice supply of unscented.
39 I took a SECOND shower, bc you simply CAN’T go around smelling like Marlboro menthols.
40 Fortunately, I had some old Pert that had a little sauce left, filled it with water (don’t even TELL me YOU don’t do that!) and it smelled like a daisy-fresh tech crew.
41 Rescued!
42 Anyway, I rumbled to school with confidence, and thank goodness I had that, AND my Toids. As soon as I got to school, I felt awesome, seeing all my GREAT friends, and happy to see that so many people were rehired.
42 I ran into some GREAT friends, and we all got WAY excited, because that’s what ALWAYS happens on the first day.
43 Then one of my best pals at school, Gemma, came in, and our frivolous gang of idiots sat together.
44 I gave Gemma a HUGE hug, ‘cuz SHE just got engaged to one of the best guys ever, Pedro Garcia. We are the sorta party group, so it was all we could do to not giggle the entire meeting.
45 In the very midst of the meeting, Gemma said, “Dude. You got an Altoid?”
46 Hey, is a bear Catholic?
47 I proffered it, and the meeting went on, and we all went on, and despite all, our staff seemed totally tanned, rested and ready.48 At the end of the day, I got my room together, did a LOT of grunt work scrubbing and polishing my room, and got home WAY late, because I have LOTS of surprises and awesomeness coming up for my students.
49 So the evening turned calm, my room ready and more beautiful than last year, and I simply smiled. Despite all the cuts and everything else, our entire staff is rarin’ to go, and VERY excited about bringing intelligence back into the world.
50 And in the end, I felt I was also cosmetically correct.
51 And so we begin. I have a billion new tricks that should change lives, and I simply can’t wait to share all of it with all of you, because you are a special group to me.
52 I love every single one of yuzzz, every single one!!!!
53 So with that, I’m gonna sign off this morning with a boatload of hope, and a huge smile on my face, because I’m still standin’, better than I ever did.
54 And you can tell everybody.
55 Live life.
56 Love life.
57 Peace.
~H~
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