November 10, 2009
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The Daily News
1 I've been living among the Turtles for the past week.
2 It was exactly a week ago today that I jumped into The Pond and began swimming once more. Actually, it was in the cloudy waters of The Gym. But Turtles nonetheless.
3 In the past week, I made it to The Gym five days out of the past eight (Monday to Monday). Not what my original intention was, but clearly better than the prior week.
4 The goal: to get in amazing shape and to get healthy, strong, and handsome.Two outta three ain't bad though.
5 I could always get healthy later.
6 My mode: the large pool in The Gym. Hereafter the pool shall be referred to as the Pond.
7 The challenge: swimming amid the many Turtles that seem to find their way into the Pond.
8 Well, here is the report of some of the experiences. First off, once you have gone to The Gym, you aren't allowed to call it anything but The Gym, as though everybody and his brother goes to one gym only, at least grammatically. Like everybody goes to the same Gym, The Gym.
9 You go on Facebook or something, and everybody seems to be going to The Gym.
10 Must be quite a place. I think I found it, but I don't see all those people there when I go.
11 Anyway, my poison is swimming thirty laps each time, a lap being down and back.
12 The trouble is, the water is foggy for Gawd knows what reason, and I have to wear goggles to protect my eyes.
13 I look not unlike a bulgy-eyed, frog-faced snapping turtle, except that I can swim smooth and straight, which the other Turtles in the water can't.
14 But the water is so murky that I can't see some renegade Turtle suddenly all up upon me in my lane.
15 The Turtles in The Gym flap their arms all sorts of directions, with no concept of a standard crawl stroke. You just suddenly look up and a huge shadow appears before your eyes, and then paddles off to the other lane, with no concept of territory.
16 At the end of each stretch, I pop out of the water, take a breath, and glide back in the other direction.
17 There is usually a Turtle resting in the corner. The other night, one looked like a mean hombre, a snapping turtle from the Northern Caribbean, to be sure. He smelled of Cuban cigars and his mustache etched out two small triangles. He never snapped, but just glared at me like he was going to snap. I popped my head back underwater and kicked the side to get away.
18 A little later, two Disney Hippos plopped into the water, creating massive bubbles right in front of my startled face. I zipped between them continuing with my laps.
19 As I moved swiftly away from the Hippos, the same Turtles that suddenly appeared, suddenly appeared AGAIN in my lane, causing me to zip between them. Being Turtles, they had no idea of Pond etiquette, and continued on their merry ways, hands flying in every direction, chins riding the crest of waves created by both themselves and their Hippo counterparts.
20 What I WANT, of course, is a lane in which I could simply swim my thirty laps, and get into my street clothes before anyone looks at me. My dream is not to have to worry about that, but with a Pond full of Turtles and Hippos, it's quite a challenge to do straight down and back laps.
21 Every now and again I can slip across The Pond to a fast lane. It sometimes is empty, but the empty doesn't last, as Sentinels post themselves at either end, and just stand still in the water, as though they were guarding the sides from Invaders.
22 It isn't too bad, since there are no Turtles, but it gets tough to move to the wall.
23 At each end of the Pond, there is a wall with a Cross on it. I often shoot through the water and tap the Cross, a knightly procedure that I do each time. I tap it with my right hand, as a Sign of Reverence.
24 Sometimes the Hippos bring younger Hippos into the water and block the Cross. I usually manage to do some sort of fancy move to get my right hand to touch the Middle of the Cross.
25 Each 11th lap, I go on my back and do an elementary back stroke, where I coast and cool down. I won't do it if I see any evidence of Turtles or Hippos. I'll swim right through and not cool down.
26 On days like yesterday, when the Pond had other serious swimmers, I get to enjoy lanes all by myself. It's wonderful when that happens, because everything is divided in threes: the first third having to do with my past, and pulling any stresses from the past right behind. The second third is all about the present, and what needs to be done right now, and the third third, if you will is all about plans for the future.
27 Uninterrupted by Turtles and Hippos, the Pond becomes joy personified, where I swim, pull, splash, breathe, and cruise in an orgy of splashing and bubbles. It absolutely rocks my world, knowing that if I keep going I will eventually turn into a Handsome Prince.
28 Oh, I'm quite certain it will eventually work, and despite all the challenges, we swimmers have learned to live peacefully with the Turtles and the Hippos.
29 I'm so excited!
30 Welp, that's about it. The World of The Gym, and all the interesting creatures that hang there. There are other sinewy creatures slipping into the spa, as well as the Buddhas baking in the sauna, but that's for another day.
31 Right now, I'm sleeping better and loving life.
32 Enjoy your day today. I slept seven hours last night, and awakened refreshed and renewed. Nice to awaken rested, and with a new life.
33 Hope you live life; love life today.
34 Peace.
~H~
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