The Daily News
1 My dog has taken to declaring my socks toys. I have this thing about taking my socks off and then leaving them by the couch 'til I get off my happy ass and toss them into the laundry.
2 Lately, the living room has remained clean, and for a while I was patting meself on the back for remembering to toss the socks into the laundry, which usually makes two socks turn into one, like magic.
3 But lately, the living room floor has been immaculate, but I've noticed my socks have disappeared.
4 The other day, the dog got all carried away when I got home, like it was the Second Coming of JAY-zuss or something. Anyway, she started running around in short circles and then she burst through the back door and disappeared.
5 I walked out back and there she stood amid dappled leaf shadows, holding a limp sock in her mouth.
6 There was also a little dirt around her nose, so I had to guess the other sock was living with the bones.
7 I approached her to get the sock and she took this fast step forward and then stopped fast, frozen in time, eyes focused right on my face. I froze too. It's this little ritual.
8 I then moved one shoulder up and down. She instantly went berserk, running around in small circles, digging in, darting around three different areas, and then dropping my own sock for me to throw for her personal fun.
9 I took one step towards MY OWN SOCK and she grabbed it and took off as though she had just stolen forty sausages off a barbecue. She raced in large circles now, eventually lying down and dropping her tongue with a pant.
10 That was it.
11 You can have yer sock back now, sir.
12 Funny stuff.
13 Moving on: Last night, after finally having launched the Kubrick DN (well, sort of!) I hopped on the old couch, popped my socks to the flo, and thought I'd catch a little Letterman.
14 I conked fast, and went into Dreamland.
15 there were spring flowers of all colors, and a butterfly flitted around and then jetted off. There was peace and lush hills. Puffy clouds drifted overhead; the rains had come and gone, and now partial sun rays warmed the wet lawn, and my face and shoulders.
16 Suddenly, my entire world ripped backwards.
17 I had pulled this blanket over myself, and this hangnail caught on the bottom of it.
18 Ever have that one happen?
19 It's like when you trim your toenails, it's like once a year or something, so when you do it, you take to those things with a machete, and every now and again one just wants to hang on, just to interrupt a nice dream about spring.
20 And the very FACT that THAT could have so much power over your entire sleep, the most important part of your entire day, remains a mystery to me.
21 Insomnia follows me around like funk on a bum, I swear to you.
22 Anyway, I just got up to stretch and throw some clothes in the wash.
23 I walked over to the couch.
24 I looked down. Know what I saw?
25 Sock.
26 I took a whiff and felt like throwing the thing at the bum in the last analogy. That puppy was BURSTING with flavuh.
27 I went took it directly to the washing machine, hoping if I hurled it in, threw some Tide and Downey all over it, that it might find its long, lost mate. The thing was funky, but lemme tellya aboot Tide and Downey: greatest thing since Penn and Teller.
28 Bright, clean, and magic. I threw that guy in there knowing full well that I would be answered with a lively wash 'n' dry. It had a hole in the end of it from the hangnail, but otherwise I knew it would emerge a spring clean winner.
29 In it went, and I came back into the house.
30 The dog was standing there. Know what she had in her mouth?
31 Sock.
32 Home.
33 Peace.
~H~
www.xanga.com/bharrington
Recent Comments