November 25, 2008
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1 Okay so this just happened.
2 I have jury duty today, which is cool, but I'm "on call", which means I can't make any plans but I also can't go in to work because they may need me today at 1:30.
3 That's all fine and dandy except that grades are due today at 4 p.m.
4 The picture from yesterday's DN probably says more about grades being due than anything.
5 It's the teaching equivalent to a major project due in high school or college.
6 It takes hours and hours to finish grading everything and entering it. I know it SOUNDS easy, but it's got to be 100% accurate in the event of backlash. This means that every single paper must be accounted for, and that all 150 students' 20 assignments need to be read, documented, calculated, commented on, and entered into a gradebook.
7 <yawn> I know, I know.
8 It's always a race to that deadline, but only a wuss would not make it. It's the teachers' equivalent to an all-nighter. If you cry, or wuss out, you're frowned upon and even laughed at for being a wuss.
9 So you smile and pretend you got it all together. You tell no one about the morons who don't put their names on papers, or the amount of staple cuts you have, or paper slices in your fingers.
10 Just like the NFL, I swear.
11 Anyway a cop knows what a cop does, a nurse knows what a nurse does, and only teachers know what teachers do. And frankly, nobody else really gives a hoot, and I don't blame them.
12 Anyway, on top of all of that stuff, I have jury duty this morning. AND my computer somehow disconnected from the system. So last night I stayed down at the school and hunted down a computer at around 9 p.m. so I could get my grades posted. Took me the past three weeks to grade everything and add the points and all.
13 I ALSO had to come up with some flashy lesson plans for today and tomorrow because of jury duty.
14 I put all of that in place, came home, ate and collapsed in front of the DN as usual.
15 I awakened at 4 a.m. in a panic because I hadn't called for a substitute. No prob. I keep my handy dandy substitute information card in a particular drawer so I can always find it in the event of an emergency.
16 I opened the drawer routinely and reached in.
17 The handy dandy substitute information card was gone!
18 Now here's the deal about the ESUHSD: they don't want to make being absent easy.
19 If you don't have a handy dandy substitute information card, you're screwed. You can't call in for a sub by dialing 411 because they'll give you a bogus number.
20 If you try to go online, the District makes it virutually impossible to find a phone number. You click "Human Resources" on their search and it eventually leads you to a faculty handbook that tells you to call some number at 6 a.m.
21 So if you are diligent and trying to set it all up ahead of time, you're screwed, unless of course you have your handy dandy substitute information card.
22 Which is why I always keep mine in the same drawer, for years.
23 Well, this morning it was gone. For whatever reason.
24 I remained calm. I pulled the drawer quietly out of the room and proceeded to riffle through it in my living room. No handy dandy substitute information card.
25 I stayed calm and looked in alternate places and retraced my steps from the last time I was absent, which was a week ago.
26 No handy dandy substitute information card.
27 Like most people in a panic, I decided to start getting loud and stampeding around in a frantic search for the card, but more, in a frantic search for sympathy from people who would probably have loved to have killed me.
28 I went to the ESUHSD site. My new computer wouldn't even TRY to read a PDF file. I thumped the desk and screamed at the screen. You CAN'T screw up calling in sick, or for jury duty. Only imbeciles do that. It's one of those teacher things. You don't dump on the Principal's secretary at 7 a.m. and tell her she needs to find subs for you. You take care of that on your own and make sure nobody gets bothered.
29 So I started pacing like a racehorse.
30 It didn't help.
31 I re-traced all my steps from last time.
32 No dice.
33 I tore my wallet apart. No handy dandy substitute information card.
34 I called information. They gave me a number that when dialed took you to Pepperland.
35 I crashed my chin into the coffee table, wiped entire desks clean to the floor, looked in the mirror and I was Michael Landon in I Was a Teenage Werewolf.
36 I howled at the moon. I took pots and pans and spoons and ran out on my lawn, clanging and banging in hopes that someone would be sympathetic to a madman's needs.
37 I tore the entire house apart looking for a phone book.
38 The clock kept ticking. I knew that I needed to get this done before 6 a.m. or I would be in competition for every wuss teacher trying to get six days off for the holiday.
39 I ALMOST dialed 911 but thought better of it.
40 Finally, exasperated, I went to the my shirt pocket from the shirt I wore yesterday.
41 Two things were there.
42 One was my jury duty summons.
43 The other was my handy dandy substitute information card.
44 Don't ask.
45 Don't get old.
46 I had without thought grabbed it right before retiring last night as a routine impulse. I put it there so I wouldn't have to go insane in the middle of the night.
47 How good am I?
48 Meanwhile, a crowd had gathered outside my house. There were police with drawn guns, neighbors with torches, and a family completely ready to murder my ass.
49 Nah, but I did wake the household, and for that I'll be forever guilty.
50 Anyway that all just happened.
51 So now that it's done, I believe I'll have a nice warm cup of coffee and greet the day.
52 You have a nice one too.
53 Peace.
~H~
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