The Daily News
1 Well I've already begun the speedy process of corrupting my fellow colleagues in my new gig at the Chill.
2 A return to the classroom, while exhilarating, is also fraught with class-management realities: papers to grade, lousy whiteboard erasers, projectors that historically fail right when you need them, and a plethora of goofballs, nerds, wiseguys and imbeciles.
3 Not to mention the students.
4 jklol hey hey hey TAKE IT EASY MANG I WAS JUST KIDDING!!! <yeesh>
5 One thing about wiseguy students: they're usually harmless unless they are the leader or instigator of other potential wiseguys students. Every veteran teacher knows that. It's usually one guy who can cause massive chaos in an entire class. Keeping the guy in check is a study in educational finnesse and artistry. There are several strategies, but the old Russell-Bob Operation Can Opener one was always one of my faves.
6 I won't other names here, but it's okay to use Al Russell-Bob because he is officially retired. We did one last Blues Brothers appearance two years ago at a YB Talent show in full regalia, sunglasses, and a classic entrance to I Can't Turn You Loose, the song made famous by the late, great Otis Redding.
7 The music lit up and we criss-crossed the stage two times, picked up two rocking chairs on our third swing backstage, came back out in unison and slammed them down at center stage on the last note of the intro.
8 I just paused, looked at the audience and said into the mic, "We're ready to rock."
9 We went on to to do Soul Man and Pretty Woman, the old Orbison tune. We had a blast for a coupla old-school American kids. As always, I screwed up the lyrics but the energy and fun made all of it a pretty entertaining lark. But I digress.
10 If we turn the clock back several thousand years, I remember it was early in the year and Mr. Russell was asked if he had a stapler in his desk, which had been inexplicably cleaned out during the summer.
11 He opened the middle drawer on his desk only to find that all that was left was a can opener. Everything else seemed to be gone.
12 With a perfect deadpan, he looked up and said, "I don't have a stapler..."
13 And then, With perfect dexterity, he lifted the can opener up, smiled, and said, "But I do have a can opener."
14 He exchanged this story with a group of us who spent Fridays hiding from all who annoyed us. We were the Burrito Gang, a motley group of some of the craftiest teachers in the school, who would come in on Fridays and shoot the breeze, share common horror stories, and enjoy a chuckle, and quite often some wonderful outbreaks of pure laughter.
15 We also talked about those students who for lack of a better word, were simply a pain in the ass, those jerk-offs who would completely ruin a lesson any day they deemed ruinable, which was usually every day but some days worse than others.
16 It was at one such meeting years ago that we developed a strategy for saving the lessons, and quite possibly the future of Western Civilization as we know it.
17 We engaged the help of around eight or ten other teachers who shall remain anonymous except to say that many of them are still active, and many of them also get the DN. One is even a distinguished Board member.
18 Here's how it would go down: Let's say that I'm giving a lesson on gerunds and their many uses in adult life, a nail-biter by anyone's standards.
19 Inevitably one of those goofballs would lose interest rather rapidly, and would begin the disruption process, usually by impressing a few freckle-faced toadies with a speedy sneeze that shot the word "bullshit" out to the masses. This would be followed by a wry Neumanesque smile and bits of laughter and glances from everyone sitting near him.
20 The options in this situation are limited. I could yell and reprimand the student, which would work for a brief time. I could ignore it completely, which would simply invite it six more times. Or I could go into Operation Can rOpener.
21 The strategy of Operation Can Opener was quite simple: cut off the head and the body will die. So I would call the student to the front of the room. Let's give the student an imaginary name. Let's call the student Phuc No, an actual name that caused the immortal Doug Roselli to fly into my room one day laughing insanely and declaring on the first day of school, "I HAVE A STUDENT NAMED PHUC NO!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!"
22 "Hey, Roselli, the "U" is short, at least in this town," I chimed.
23 "WHO CARES? THE GUY'S NAME IS STILL PHUC NO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
24 But I digress. All apologies.
25 And besides, this Phuc No is an imaginary one based on a real name. So let's just say that Phuc No succeeds in getting my class riled up. And on one particular day, I really want my lesson to go uninterrupted.
26 I simply point to Phuc No and say, "Umm...Phuc?" The guy will think I'm trying to yell at him and he will simply ignore me. I will then say, "Umm...Phuc? Could you do a favor for me? I need you to go to Mr. Russell's room."
27 A ticket out of class? In a New York minute he will. He will take the bait every time.
28 He will approach the desk and ALWAYS say yes if it means getting out of class.
29 "Could you go down to Mr. Russell's room (or whichever room is furthest on campus from your own) and ask him if he has a can opener?"
30 The guy will ALWAYS do it. Always.
31 What he doesn't know is that nobody is going to have whatever you ask him to go get, whether it's a can opener, an eraser, or my personal fave, left-handed chalk.
32 With left-handed chalk, there WILL be questions asked. Every time. They'll usually ask you if there is such a thing, and I will always say, "Oh, yes. It has a bevel that is unique to left-handed writers." That's usually enough even though I'm clearly right-handed, and clearly a dead giveaway that they are falling victims to an elaborate hoax. And just as clearly, they'll never catch on that they are being set up.
33 Anyway, the teachers in collusion, in this case Russell-Bob and Company will look everywhere but will be unable to find the can opener, even though in his case it's the only thing in his desk, and send the guy to another teacher all the way across campus. This is especially effective on ridiculously sweltering days.
34 After encountering four or five teachers sending him this way and that, this guy will usually find his way back at the very end of class, fully exhausted and frustrated, and fully unaware that he has been played.
35 Ultimately, the lesson is saved, with much more learning occurring had we not used the strategy, and some great laughs will encircle the room the next time the Burrito Bunch meets.
36 Anyway, you'll be happy to know that the torch has been passed to the Chill-on-the Hill. On Friday I introduced Operation Can Opener to a new group of rather progressive and hysterical young teachers, all of whom seemed delighted with the concept.
37 Thanks to Mr. Russell-Bob and the immortal Burrito Gang, the torch has been passed to a new generation of goofball teachers who wish only to keep their lessons alive and their classes protected from all the Phuc No's and other myriad meatheads they'll have the pleasure of encountering for the next thirty years.
38 Long live Operation Can Opener.
39 Long live Russell-Bob.
40 Long live the Burrito Gang.
A Carne Asada Super Burrito from Super Taqueria on 10th, our
burrito joint.
41 Have a great day everyone.
42 Peace.
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