September 29, 2008
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Carrie Ann Inaba as Fook Yu in GoldmemberThe Daily News
"The last thing a man wants to say is the last thing he says."
--Paul Newman
1 Like wow, like the like stock market is like, sehhhhho baad.
2 Like you know whet?
3 We like, have to do SEMTHING, like, really baaad.
4 Like you know whet AMEHZEZZ meh?
5 Like this like girl yesterday?
6 She was like on like the pheone at Sevmart?
7 And like she was like right in frunna me?
8 And like she had her like cell like creddled on her shouldar?
9 And like she had like a bebbe-eh?
10 But like I started to like eavesdrop? And it was like, I DENNNOW!
11 And Now the News: I had no idea what she was talking about. None. And I was trying to eavesdrop and listen, but it sounded exactly the same as what I just recorded here. I could have reported the live stuff all morning and afternoon, but I thought I'd just give you a sampler.
12 I always find amusing stuff at the supermarket.
13 I think that's why I go there so much. I get off work and aimlessly drive with the thought in mind, "What should I get for dinner? Hmmmmmm. I want something light, but that will also take the hunger-crazed bear out of me." So yesterday I walked into the supermarket with radar alert. The goofy gal with the cell attached to her shoulder was walking through the fruit and vegegtables, oblivious of not only me, but of anyone else in the store except for herself.
14 I first noticed it while I was walking up and down the aisles, as is my own aimless wont.
15 This gal had a baby in her basket for gawdsakes, a sipper bottle in her right hand and the phone cradled between her shoulder and her left ear. She was like this the entire time I shopped.
16 Nearly anytime I go to the supermarket, I find that there's always one customer who is going to irritate me in every aisle. I don't know how it happens, but it seems to happen every time. It's like some sort of daily ritual. I mean like the same person in every aisle. Or I'll go two aisles over and the guy'll come around the corner.
17 Sometimes I'll say to myself, "There's the guy!" And I'll look over to some guy in a wife-beater whose cart is blocking the entire meat aisle.
18 Or "Oh, here's the gal!" and it'll be some Kathy Lee soccer mom looking for anything that makes her look pro-green.
19 I wanna moider her. I wanna feed her to the gahdammm whales, or piranjas, or whatever she's trying to save. Mind you, I usually skip breakfast and lunch, so I'm generally pretty fierce by the time I stop into the supermarket on my way home.
20 But this gal yesterday was like, I mean like, like...
21 Dude.
22 There's a reason I have a job.
23 The great part of the story is that after she left, and I was the next in line. I stood astonished at what had just occurred.
24 Never mind Wall Street, or Lane Kiffin, or the Cy Young award, or Carrie Ann Inaba.
25 I absolutely saw the American drone, the essence of the clueless, of the exhausted, and of the apathetic. Like, it was SEHHHHO like right in fronna meh.
26 She kept yammering on the phone, pampering the baby, and talking without even acknowledging the cashier, as though the gal didn't even exist.
27 I naturally eavesdropped to see what was so important.
28 Honestly. She talked classic valley, repeating the word "like" about a hundred million times.
29 I wasn't TRYING to eavesdrop mind you, it was impossible not to so I simply gave in to my ears.
30 Did you ever have a kid in your class give a speech and after about twelve seconds you start counting how many times they say the word "um"?
31 Same thing. I thought of those days when you would find a mutual friend and hand-signal the number of times, usually just to pass the time.
32 I thought of doing that with the cashier, but held back.
33 Anyway, she finished up, paid, and disappeared out the front doors.
34 I remained in my afternoon stupor, which hits each day at around 4 and remains until around 6. I really feel people should put me in a straightjacket that time of day. Having always directed plays or worked with after-school activities, I have no idea what to do in the afternoons. So I now shop, go home, hit the gym if I'm not too exhausted, and then sleep for about an hour.
35 If the store takes up too much time, I go into a stupor and goof on things. Call it Zen, or some sort of OBE, but as I wander through a store I go under.
36 When complete stupidity lands in front of me, I often take mental notes.
37 That gal happened from the moment I went into the store, causing me to goof on how almost every time I shop, I choose a person who is sure to annoy me throughout the store.
38 To be honest, it was great to see her disappear out the doors.
39 I finished up my purchases and started thinking of the fastest way to cook so that I could squeeze a nap in. I had spent the afternoon up to my ears in grading papers, which is about as fun as a trip to an evil dentist.
40 I thanked the cashier as well as the bag goon and wandered out to the parking lot, wheeling a basket with two bags in it out to the TOOOOOONDRA.
41 I have this other thing that always happens. No matter WHERE I park, or even at WHAT hour, I will always manage to have someone getting into their car or exiting their car right next to where I park.
42 It's uncanny. I will always glance around and see all the parked cars that have NOBODY going in or out of them, but the TOOOOOONDRA always has someone in the process of pulling in or out right next to it.
43 One Saturday morning during the summer I hit the school WAY early because I wanted to grab a couple of folding tables for a party. SIX IN THE MORNING mind you. NOBODY was in the parking lot. I didn't really ask or want to see anyone, just wanted to get in and out.
44 The second I parked, another car pulled RIGHT next to me.
45 Uncanny.
46 So yesterday I wheeled my cart with the two bags out to the parking lot.
47 Guess who blocked my way to my car door?
48 She was STILL yammering on the phone, like, I DENNNOW!
49 She had just strapped the kid into the back seat, had her cart blocking my door and continued yammering, like it was sehooo like annoying and I was like, whateverrrrrrrr.
50 I moved to the passenger side and unloaded my stuff on the seat, giving her plenty of time to finish up.
51 I walked BACK to the driver's side and opened my door about two inches and somehow managed to slip in. She never budged.
52 I backed out, carefully aiming for her right toe, but missed by a sliver.
53 Ennyweh I like thought I'd like just shere that with you?
54 So like, have a good deh? Like I wanna tell you seh much more, but like this is like the longest DN in like, histreh? So like I like prolly shid geho?
55 Eh K, like peace?
~H~
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