1 I sallied forth yesterday with my wits and my mirth completely intact, at least in the morning.
2 I went into the day more prepared than I've been in years.
3 The only thing was, I seemed a tad exhausted, which is weird because the job has become amazingly easier since last year.
4 Funny things happen, however.
5 Right after I was ready to turn in the other night, I realized at midnight that I had forgotten to get cat food for the cats.
6 I have NO idea why those sorts of things occur to a person at midnight, but the second I realized it I began one of those adult tantrums we all have. You know the kind, where you just start repeating your destiny around forty times.
7 As in, "I don't fookin' believe it!"
8 And as the clock decides suddenly to speed up, I started thinking of how draconian a concern this had suddenly become, and began walking around saying things out loud.
9 "Ahhhh and of COURSE I realize this at MIDNIGHT when NOTHING is open!"
10 So for around ten minutes I walked back and forth trying to figure out WHERE I was going to go. In addition, the cats needed a special sort of food, so even a quick trip to 7-11 was out of the question.
11 I wound up going across town to this all-night Safeway.
12 I decided to relax and not fight it, and deal with a happy Monday, trying to follow my own advice from yesterday's DN.
13 The thing is, midnight trips to supermarkets are a tad different than midday visits. The stores are empty, and they spend most of the night re-stocking the shelves. Three people were crowded around the pet food section, so I went down the adjacent aisle to enter from the other end.
14 When I got to the other end, there was a huge platform stacked with about a billion cases of water.
15 I turned back around and returned to my original route. The workers, oblivious to my angst, remained chillin' and talking.
16 It was nobody's fault, really, because at 12:30 there aren't that many imbeciles walking up and down the aisles.
17 I finally worked my way to the cat food and saw that there were about twelve-thousand different kinds of cat food, many having to do with health concerns for the cat.
18 I didn't want to get the wrong stuff, but the clock kept ticking along with my patience.
19 I finally remembered that I needed to get something called "Urinary Tract" cat food, which was naturally the last huge sack I found.
20 It costs something like $700 per ounce.
21 When I was a younger cuss, I would have bought some Chicken-of-the Sea tuna and called it a day.
22 I went to the counter, which had nobody there, and peeled a $700 bill off my huge stack, paid the guy and went home.
23 I actually felt good about all of it, and drove up my driveway at around 1 a.m. I got pretty Zen about it, figuring that I had pretty much ruined my happy Monday but that I could certainly take my own advice and fly low.
24 At around 1:30 I finally got to sleep, only to be awakened at 5 a.m. by a loud and shrill dog bark.
25 Now a dog bark means you HAVE to get up or you might have an accident to avoid later in the morning.
26 I let the dog outside to run directly at the fence and bark, as she does every single morning, usually an hour-and-a half later.
27 By the time she got back in, I was wide awake and ready to start the day.
28 By around noon yesterday I was quite ready for the loony bin. The office called and asked if I could sub for a class in the afternoon and I figured,"Hey, why not?".
29 It was in a science classroom that slightly resembled my set for The Creature Creeps, an underrated show I did a few years back on Halloween.
30 It had vials, tubes, weird sinks and all sorts of faucets labeled "gas" and things.
31 The teacher had evidently vanished a couple of weeks ago. There was no lesson plan or any sort of roll sheet. The kids were amazingly polite and patient with it, and asked if they could use the period as a study hall.
32 I had no prob with that.
33 I read a book while the students spent a pretty quiet time studying, although a few comments came my way, between bathroom passes.
34 One girl looked up and said, "Are you gonna be here for Back-to-School Night? 'Cuz my mom wants to talk to SOMEONE." She seemed legitimately upset.
35 "Ah...nope. I'm just here for the day. I have my own class."
36 Another guy woke up from a nap and said, "I'm gonna just demand an A".
37 Then a series of other comments began.
38 "My mom is going to come down here and let people know that this is unacceptable."
39 "Your mom is so tall that if she did a cartwheel she'd kick Jesus."
40 I had a hall pass that worked throughout the period. "Jennifer to RR. Adriana to RR."
41 The comments continued. I heard some kids saying something, and one voice got loud, saying, "No shit, Sherlock!" I was delighted that some things never change. A girl came up and asked for a bathroom pass.
42 "What's your name?" I asked.
42 "Myrtle."
43 it caught me off guard. I thought Myrtle was only a name you'd hear on I Love Lucy. I waited 'til she had gone out the door before breaking into a goofy smile.
44 Eventually Myrtle returned, the kids shuffled off at the bell, and I proceeded home to collapse in a coma.
45 At around 2 a.m. I awoke and thought I'd report my beautiful Monday to everybody.
46 It's funny how something like Myrtle could make your entire day. I was sure she was sent from the Creator of the Universe to make everything right.
47 Sometimes it's just the little things.
48 And Myrtle, wherever you are, thanks.
49 Peace.
~H~
1 I sallied forth yesterday with my wits and my mirth completely intact, at least in the morning.
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