September 16, 2008
-
The Daily News
1 So I wasn’t kiddin’ about Kat DeLuna’s National Anthem the other night. It was like a bad pie. I went online yesterday and AOL actually had an article about how brutal it was. If it was literally a bad pie, I’d have been happy to have thrown it in her face.
2 Every now and again there’s something unutterably horrific on the television.
3 Case in point: I didn’t see the show, but I saw a commercial in which Richard Simmons, in his red wife-beater and striped shorts, hopped up on Letterman’s couch as though to do some exercises. Letterman scolded him. “Hey, get off the furniture!”
4 De Luna actually THOUGHT she was good. THAT’S the rough part. People in Dallas booed for Gawdsakes.
5 Just amazing.6 Moving on: Well I seem to have ants once again.7 Yesterday I sat down at my desk and these guys musta thought I was a mountain and started climbing me.8 I’m back to square one because my policy is that I don’t really want to kill them. I vaguely remember some matronly teacher telling me that they are helper ants, and that they are somehow doing good deeds.9 So I try to blow them gently off the table, a nice little wind that might work as a cushion to the ground.10 I assume they could take a fall of around three-and-a half feet and land unscathed.11 That would be like you or me taking a little fall off the Transamerica Building and then trying to hop up and scurry away.
12 But ants seem to land on their feet and then go darting off.13 And from up there looking down, they look like ants, let me tellya.14 A few years ago I had people giving me all sorts of recipes for getting rid of them. I tried them all, but ultimately, there was only one answer.
16 The difficulty was that once I sprayed, I never saw them again. Not that I missed them, mind you. But for the rest of my two years in the other office, everything I was remotely near smelled like RAID.17 At least I didn’t have any ants.18 I didn’t have any friends either.19 I keep thinking Windex, but somehow, it makes me want to eat lamb and holler, “Opa!”20 No small task, ants. If you ever have them, here are some organic suggestions by people who wanna go green: baby talcum, vinegar, cinnamon, Windex (Opa!) mixed with half ivory soap, and my personal fave, Cream of Wheat.21 Moving on: I don’t know what it is, but every day at around 3:30 p.m. I feel like taking a nap.
22 I’m not really sure why.
23 Some other matronly teacher once told me it was because of my “biorhythms”.
24 I had no idea what a biorhythm was, but at the time I bought it.
25 But even if I get plenty of sleep the night before, I just fade around 3, 3:30.
26 Biorhythms schmyorhythms. My fat ass gets tired and sleepy every single day.
27 I look out my window and watch the football team doing drills at that time, with the sun beating down on them and all. I can’t even fathom doing that.
28 Anyway, I usually slip out at around 4 p.m. and head home, and somehow I manage to shake the exhaustion and hit the gym. It’s 3:35 as I write this DN but all I want to do when I get home is to hit the couch.
29 Ant removal comes at such a cost.
30 Good-bye Ruby Tuesday.
31 You remain one day too many.
32 Anyway, life’s good. Windex and lamb chops. I gotta make a grocery list.
33 Meanwhile, you have a good day.
34 Opa.
35 Peace.
