September 14, 2008
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The Daily News
1 So I got this new laptop and naturally I just love it.
2 But the thing about when you buy new things is that once they are all up and working, you become like a little kid who can't stop playing with a new toy.
3 And then you buy little accessories to make it even more fun.
4 Like when I was a kid, I got a new bicycle. My new bike was shiny green Schwinn Sting Ray, AND it had both a bright white banana seat as well as butterfly handlebars.
5 I was the MAN.
6 So I accessorised it with a speedometer I bought at a local bike shop, just to completely outdo every kid on the block.
7 When I got home, I put the thing on as quickly as I could, and then flew around the neighborhood at lightning speeds.
8 I LOVED my speedometer almost as much as the bike.
9 I showed all my friends, just so I could be a big shot. They pretended they cared and I never felt better about myself.
10 When you're a little kid, you actually believe that guys are genuinely happy for you.
11 But life has a way of humbling you really quickly, thank the good Lord.
12 I got home later that afternoon, shined the bike up, and hopped back on it.
13 As soon as I hopped on, the speedometer made this horrid clicking noise and began vibrating at 5 MPH.
14 My heart dropped seven flights in an instant.
15 Fortunately, the next day was a Saturday and I could ride down to the bike shop and get a new one.
16 Our bike shop was old, with wooden floors. When I went in to return the speedometer, the guy told me that I had damaged it when I twisted the front wheel. The cord twisted also and it somehow caused the damage. He wouldn't give me a new one. When I got home, nobody was there, so I just decided to live with it.
17 To this day I hate having to return things that don't work. It's a little psychotic I suppose, but I just figure there's so much shoddy stuff out there that it's more trouble than it's worth.
18 So that brings us up to now.
19 When I got my new laptop, I was so pleased with everything it could do. It has a huge screen because in addition to going deaf, I'm also going blind, so I love the screen.
20 But I noticed that my headphones weren't very loud, and that the cursor is lightning fast.
21 Easy to fix.
22 I went to Big Lots and got a wireless mouse for around two bucks, and a set of headphones for around four bucks.
23 Yesterday morning I hooked up the wireless, and it was great. It slowed the thing down just enough so it was more manageable, and it looked really sleek, like with a streamlined body and this really cool light inside.
24 The only thing about it was that you had to push a little buh-in on the plug-in, and you had push a buh-in on the bottom of the mouse using a nail or a pencil or something.
25 Each time you use it.
26 So I hooked it up yesterday morning and it worked great. But later, when I returned to it, it needed to be re-booted, or whatever you call it.
27 At first it worked.
28 Then it didn't.
29 Then it did.
30 Then it didn't.
31 Then it did, but it wouldn't let you click on things.
32 Then it did.
33 You get the idea.
34 I decided to retire it from my life, because I just envisioned myself going back to Big Lots and explaining it to the clerk.
35 I just pictured a clerk saying, "All sales final."
36 And my crotchety ass getting loud and demanding to see a manager.
37 I could just imagine a line of people all getting irritated and me standing there waiting for an hour so I could either get a new one, or get my two bucks back.
38 So I decided simply to keep the thing. It's intermittent, which I have always translated to meaning "useless". But then, what do you expect from Big Lots?
39 Oy.
40 The headphones, on the other hand, work great, WAY better than the ones they gave me when I got my Bose iPod dock, or whatever they call those things.
41 I love the thing, but the headphones that came with it are ridiculous.
42 But the pair I got at Big Lots just rocked.
43 Until I lost the ear sponge thingy. I woke up yesterday morning and somehow that little earphone sponge thingy had fallen off the right ear speaker.
44 And I have a black couch.
45 I started screaming at the thing. "How does a headphone spongy thingy suddenly disappear???? Did it just jump off in the middle of the night?!!?? And why doesn't this stupid mouse work???? AND HOW COME THE SCREEN KEEPS DIMMMMMINGGGGGGGGGGG???!?!?!?!?!? HELLLLLLPPPPMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"
45 So much for depending upon material things to bring happiness. I figure I'll look for the headphone spongy thingy some time when I have new glasses, which will be on the 21st of Never. The screen suddenly stopped dimming, so I assume there's some sensor causing that. And the mouse?
46 Why I'm going to march right into Big Lots later today and take those people to task.
47 You just wait.
48 Don't buy stuff to make yourself happy, I swear.
49 Have a fun day. I gotta hit Big Lots man.
50 But once I get a new mouse, everything'll be sweet.
51 Peace.
~H~
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