September 12, 2008
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The Daily News
Coffee is so good I don't know why it's not a sin.
---Reverend Arvide Abernathy1 I really love how the news always leaves out significant facts so that you'll tune in later.
2 This pertains not only to television news, but online news as well. MSN, AOL et al. had the same sort of setup. AOL had a picture of a hurricane about to blast Texas, and said, "Which big city will it hit?"
3 Okay so I'm just passing through Texas, have no Internet access except for a small cafe in Denton, and I'm headed for say, Galveston. I see that quote hanging on my screen, click on to see more, and a little circle appears in the corner of my laptop and starts spinning for around six years.
4 I do what everybody does; I just hold my finger on the power button in hopes that whatever happens to your computer if you hold down a power button won't happen.
5 I then proceed to leave for Galveston.
6 I arrive in Galveston, go to a hotel, check in with the concierge, whose name is "Slim", give him all my stuff, and head for my room.
7 I get into my room, and a guy comes up with all my stuff. I tip the guy, whose name is "Big Hank". He is tall, lanky with a huge buckle that says one word: "Hank".
8 I hit the air-conditioning because Hell, I'm in fookin' Texas. I kick off my shoes, turn on some ESPN, pull a beverage out of the "Onner Bar" and lean up against a nice pillow. Looks like ESPN is having a rodeo on. I'm pumped. I'm pulled in.
9 Just as I'm ready to watch a good wild bull rider, I hear a huge BANG! on the hotel roof.
10 I look out the window to investigate, and Sarah Palin flies by on a bicycle. She flips me off and her bicycle turns into a broom. She zips away and disappears into the sky, leaving nothing behind but derisive laughter.
11 Two other hayseeds in a canoe row by and wave a nice ol' Texas "Howdy" and within seconds, everything begins spinning, as though I'm inside a dryer looking out. I don't land on a witch, but I do open the door and realize that my clothes are already fluffed.
12 Film at 11.
13 Seriously man.
14 Ah, I just had to get that off my chest. Every time I see a warning about a horrible thing that could happen, they say, "We'll tell you where and when on the News at 11."
15 No you won't, 'cuz I refuse to watch, howdyalike THAT?
16 So I end up in Oz. All because of AOL, MSN and the 11 o'clock report.
17 There are worse things.18 Film at 11. Indeed.
19 Moving on: Heard a great statistic the other day. Are you aware that the San Francisco Giants are 55-0 when leading after eight innings this year? Undefeated. I realize that will always be a pretty high stat, but that's really amazing.
20 It was a lot of fun watching them kick around the Arizonas, and already there's talk of having Lincecum pitch the last game of the season against the Dodgers, just to screw them over.
21 Not really a good idea, in my eyes.
22 Could backfire. Two words. Salomon Torres.23 Moving on, Part 2: That was a little side trail for Giants' fans. But seriously, speaking of Michael Phelps...
24 I just saw a commercial with him and Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel asked him if he ever peed in a pool, and Phelps' reply: "Sure. Everybody does!"
25 Everyone who owns a pool turned over in their graves, and most aren't even dead yet.
26 Phelps. D0000D.
27 Don't encourage the youngsters. They don't need it, trust me.
28 I guess it's that crotchetiness coming to surface once more.
29 I see a pool with a hundred kids in it, I don't want to go swimming around in it. And last time I looked, filters don't get rid of it.
30 Moving on, Part 3: I just thought it was a good idea to channel surf outta that one as soon as possible.
31 ajfdklfjdsakfadfjdsfj;fj;ffa;jafjdsfjdfjj;
32 The first time someone did that to me I thought they were sending me some cryptic message.
33 You shouldn't study CIA things your entire adult life. You wind up trying to de-code everything.
34 It's sort of funny because I'm STILL pretty sleepy every night, mail off the DN, and inevitably find I left a few letters off of words, or that I somehow mangled or butchered anything remotely resembling thought.
35 fafdklfjfdsklfjdklfjfjda;jffjdfjdjfdf;jdfdsj
36 That's just a series of random keys that I'm hammering with nervous fingers.
37 Coffee is such a perfect performance-enhancing drug.
38 That's really how this whole piece began.
39 It all started with a cuppa coffee.
40 Perfect way to end it, as well as the week.
41 Have a great weekend.
42 Peace.
~H~
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