May 23, 2008
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The Daily News
1 I've officially started my 4,375th diet.
2 My last diet lasted about two months, and I felt great.
3 Everyone said I looked like I lost weight.
4 My clothes were hanging off me.
5 Tha's because I made it easy on myself.
6 I bought all my clothes two sizes too big.
7 It worked for a while.
8 Now I'm just trying to do one where you just eat tons and tons of vegetables, like gardens of 'em.
9 In about two weeks I'll just be a stick.
10 Scarcrew McGrew.
11 That's my goal.
12 Today I had some vegetables, and then later, I had some more vegetables, followed by a Coke Zero. Coke Zip.
13 I remember a few years back when I went on that Atkins.
14 I had it DOWN.
15 I threw a great recipe for these amazing meatballs to some friends.
16 One guy got all huffy when I included green onions in the recipe.
17 Evidently it was ridiculously irresponsible of me to tell people on that diet to use those things. The guy referred to them as "scallions".
18 Fookin' pirate.
19 The guy got all Richard Simmons on me. He felt I probably ruined around a hundred people's diets by going around telling people it was okay to use those,when it would completely upset the nuclear structure of their interior chemistry, or something.
20 Evidently the Atkins is so strict that if you eat a green onion somebody might have some crazy reaction. It's a VERY serious diet. Mentioning a carrot could silence a room.
21 All I remember was that it made it feel like you were giving birth to the Washington Monument every now and again.
22 Hey, that was one of my dad's expressions when he described some sorta cancer probe.
23 But we'll slip away from that immediately.
24 Yesterday some gal offered me a FREE burrito, and I had to turn her down.
25 For the life of me I can't remember what diet this is, but it's the one with points?
26 I explained to the gal that I was on that diet with the points, and that I couldn't accept a free burrito. Too many points.
27 I'm on my fourth day, and I told the gal that I was withering into nothingness.
28 Seriously, I just want to get down to around a hundred pounds in a month.
29 Maybe two hundred.
30 Maybe three hundred.
31 Okay, well I have to scurry off to a Senior Ball this weekend, so I guess I'll just go out and buy some big shoes, some baggy pants, and a flower that squirts.
32 You guys have a wonderful weekend.
33 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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