April 29, 2008
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Miley Cyrus AKA Hannah Montana1 I just read the AOL news, which is about one step on either side of the National Enquirer, and found out that Miley whatever-her-name-is, Hannah Montana, the 15-year old girl with the cascading locks, posed almost nude for some magazine or other.
2 Do you like the tough journalistic hunt for the facts? I’m all over that story.
3 I’m a regular Edward R. Murrow.
4 Naturally, I thought it was postively absurd that a kid that age was doing anything remotely newsworthy to begin with.
5 Welcome to America, 2008.
6 I was cruising up to the Chill yesterday morning and heard this on of all places, KNBR, the Sports Leader.
7 These guys were all over the place about Roger Clemens and Hannah Montana and all the rest when my head took me back to when I was fifteen.
8 When I was fifteen, I used to jump off my parents’ Chevy hood so my sister Gayle could take a picture of me slamming a basketball through a hoop as though I were some NBA monster.
9 When I was fifteen, I began a kazoo band for our Freshmen football team, complete with cheering section and posters, as well as a hoop with stuff like “Saw Mills” (a poster of a Viking having his head sawed off) or a cartoon of a knight being stomped to death by a Mustang (our mascot, naturally!) with the slogan, “Once a knight’s enough!” written in poster-ese.
10 We would play the school song on kazoos when the team took the field, and it was great fun.
11 That team went undefeated and unscored upon in a record that was unprecedented in the annals of Capuchino High School. That was me at fifteen.
12 When I was fifteen, I was stealing signs and scared shitless by Ah Jim.
13 When I was fifteen, I watched rehearsals of Oklahoma! in my Drama class and was amazed at the choreography, which used the varsity football players as cowpokes dancing the Oklahoma two-step, and I just dreamed of one day being on stage and doing that.
14 When I was fifteen, I was five years older than when I was president of the Girl Haters’ Club.
15 When I was fifteen, I filled water balloons with air and would attack cars on Halloween, so that when the guy would slam on his breaks and say, “Go ahead you little shithead!” I would lob air balloons at him, and my friends would scream with laughter and take off running.
16 When I was fifteen, I used to make dummies by stuffing newspaper into my clothes, using clothespins to hold it together, putting the thing face down with it’s “head” down the sewer, stopping cars and asking for help because my little brother had somehow gotten his head caught down the sewer.
17 People would ALWAYS get out of their cars and say things like, “Oh my God! Is he all right? (to the dummy.) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT???”
18 The dummy routinely had no feet, and newspapers falling out of every possible crevice from which newspapers could fall out, but every car, to a person, would NEVER notice. We would then yell, “SMILE, YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA” and my friend would come out of a bush with a ridiculously low-budget camera prop, and we would then bounce out of there at lightning speed, laughing our asses off the whole way, leaving the cardboard prop in the sidewalk weeds.
19 When I was fifteen, I would put clothespins on my fingers and toes in hopes that somehow my own pain could jinx the Dodgers, who were the bane of my adolescent existence. My disdain for the Dodgers, and all things blue for that matter, has remained with me to this very day.
20 When I was fifteen, I had played my last serious game of tether ball two years earlier.
21 At the risk of sounding like an old-fashioned coot, times have certainly changed.
22 It escapes me.
23 My advice to Hannah, or Cyrus, or whatever your name is, would be to get together with some friends, have a pajama party with your real friends, bake cookies and let your friends eat the dough off of spoons.
24 Wear slippers and act stupid.
25 And above all, wake up on Saturday and do nothing but watch cartoons.
26 That’s it.
27 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
