April 11, 2008
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Every Saturday or Sunday I go over the DN's from the week prior just to check for spelling or for moments of hideous idiocy, sort of like a guy who polishes his model airplane collection each week.
This piece came up and I instantly wondered one of two things:
1) I was on meds when I wrote it.
2) I wasn't on meds when I wrote it.
Just kidding.
I don't do meds.
But one has to wonder.
I decided to go through this piece the same way those directors go through their movies on DVD, telling us a whole bunch of things about how detailed and artistic they attempt to be when making a formula teen movie.
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For the record,
I hate formula teen movies.
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Anyway, I thought it might be a lark to go through this very weird DN and explain a few things.
My comments will be in red.
So...
Here go:
Header: I couldn't think of a thing to write about because it was so noisy and full of sports in the house.
The Daily News
NABBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've just alienated every reader who isn't a Sharks' fan.
The pixels on this picture are right out of Ms. Pac Man
1 So...somehow three sports are going on simultaneously, and I'm to deliver a quality DN.
2 No prob then.
3 I had the Giants, the A's, and the Sharks all on the same channel, at least on MY teevee.
Normal DN stuff.
4 Everybody is all about MEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Huh? Ahhhh...everybody wanted to watch a different sport!
5 Cool.
6 No, seriously,
7 Like I was watching the Sharks last night, which is way fun, but the announcer started telling me about all this personal boushit about some of the players.
8 With all due respect, I totally understood, but couldn't care less.
I always get irritated when some announcers go off the game so much that I have to wait twenty minutes to know the score and the situation.
9 But REALLY. In the REAL world, the bottom line is this: Who won?
At this point, the meds, or lack thereof, began to take hold. Suddenly the game is over? And the guy still hasn't told us who won? I was tired and there was a lotta noise. WAY tired, like falling asleep at the puter.
10 Tough lesson, but it certainly has meaning. Huh?
Huh? Something deep must have occurred to me when I oped an eye, but for the life of me, I have no idea what.
I was enjoying REM's at the time.
I figured most people would have just figured,
"Is H on meds?"
Or just blow this off as piffle, which it clearly is.
I get into piffle sometimes.
11 Haha!
Somebody got it, but fo da life uh me...
12 Yoiks.
13 I just see a lot of wisdom going on when it comes to sports.
Yeah, like a number of years ago when at some All-Star game they let Reagan, who USED to be a Chicago announcer, take the mic for an inning. Some player stepped up, and Reagan's first words were, "Well, I think this fella would really like to hit the ball..."
...and then he took off his cap and a bird walked out.
14 Like REALLY, who gives a darn who listens about a playoff game?
Okay now we've strayed into worlds that no man has ever entered. This was perhaps the fuzziest sentence in the history of the DN, which contains lots of fuzzy sentences and piffle.
15 Or who ultimately wins?
HUHHHHHHHH? WTH? And I have the nerve to talk about Reagan? Coo-coo, coo-coo...
16 Bottom line is, in sports, or any comptetition for that manner, everybody wins.
Comptetition.
17 Because everybody gave their hearts and souls for their ultimate goal.
18 Oy.
Someone was attempting to impersonate the depth and character of the DN. This MUST have been some other guy. Goin' deep, but peace, Mercutio...
Thou speakst of nothing...
19 Sharks. Warriors. Giants. A's. Stanford. And on and on.
20 <Corona commercial with the lime...>
And somehow an insert that never shows up? This is NOT an original.
Call ze French Police.
There must be cryptic clues in here somewhere.
All this back-pedaling is coming to resemble a mustard stain on a shirt.
Ah-ha! At last, a good old-fashioned mixed metaphor! We're returning to normal...the meds are wearing off...
or taking hold...
21 A day in the Life.
22 Crazuh night.
23 We all win.
Oh...ouch.
24 March on Sacramento on Tuesday.
(He opens one eye, a rebel with utterly some cause. Eyeball rolls around and the the lid closes)
25 Support Education.
26 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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