The Daily News
1 Here's something. When I was around 13, I decided that I should take on the fine hobby of collecting signs.
2 I had gone over to this guy's house, a high school dude that my sister Linda was dating, and he showed me his incredible collection of street signs, campaign signs, office signs, nearly any sort of sign you could name that he had collected and mounted in his room. His name was Jack, and to me, he was the Hemingway of sign collecting.
3 It didn't occur to me that there was anything remotely dangerous, or even illegal with a hobby like that. I thought it was awesome. He may as well have been showing me a collection of rare shrunken heads.
4 I knew right then and there the very next direction my life was to take. I was to become every bit as good as Jack, and twice as nimble in the art of sign collecting.
5 I had rules. I wasn't to steal any signs that would cause accidents, like stop signs, or one-way signs, even though those would have been considered some big game.
6 But little signs were fair. A sign that said "Principal's Office", for example, was considered fair game, since I didn't consider it a danger to anybody if the Principal's Office sign should suddenly disappear.
7 No, I never really collected one of those. I did get a sign that said simply , "Office" and was plenty proud.
8 I also FOUND a stop sign, which became my pride and joy. I just told my friends that I had bagged it in South City, and doffed my pith helmet with great pride. They were continually amazed at my prowess.
9 Now, to be honest, I never considered myself a thief. I never stole from stores because I just felt I was taking things that simply didn't belong to me, and that if I wanted something, I needed to work hard to earn money to pay for it.
10 I especially couldn't understand how anybody could steal from a Mom-and-Pop store. Linda used to take ashtrays from motel rooms with the blessing of a Catholic priest, who said it was okay provided the name of the place was on the ashtray. So clearly the Catholic church sanctioned certain sorts of thievery. In my own interesting way, I decided that signs were fair game, and somehow exempt from the Thou-Shalt Not-Steal commandment, which was the seventh or eighth depending upon which religion you are. All that aside, I had my morals. I refused to steal from stores. Okay, for the most part...
11 I remember one time caving to peer pressure. A friend of mine was in this small Mom-and-Pop Shop called The Brick of Gold, which was a combination general store and hamburger joint, as well as a favorite hangout for junior high kids who had utterly nothing to do on hot summer days.
12 I was standing in the store facing a rack of candy when my friend suddenly started jamming all sorts of candy down his pants, pockets and wherever else he could. Stunned, I blurted out rather loudly, "What are you DOING???!!??" He shot me a fierce look and just gave me a loud "Shush!" His look of disapproval shot right through my veins.
13 For whatever reason, he made me feel that it was I who had done something wrong. He wasn't too forgiving and later when we went outside, he openly challenged me to steal something the next time we visited The Brick.
14 By and by we went back to being summer idiots, and most of it was forgotten until a fews week later when we ventured downtown once more. I was afraid, but knew what I had to do.
15 I had a little money so I went back to The Brick, only this time, at the urging of my friends, I threw around ten packs of baseball cards on the counter. I pocketed the eleventh.
16 The proprietor of The Brick, a neighborhood icon named Howard Cobb, looked at me askance. Howard and his wife either owned or managed The Brick, and I knew that they weren't well off. They weren't poor, but they had to work hard to keep the store running. I paid my money and went outside, heart pounding beyond all measure.
17 I began opening all the cards, seeing which players I got, when I looked up and found myself staring at the white pants and black shoes of Howard Cobb.
18 He was completely bald and his face creased as he spoke.
19 "All right," he said. "What's the scoop?" That was all he said.
20 I looked up. Time stood still. I blurted out, "I didn't steal these! I just bought ten packs!"
21 Cobb looked at me in obvious disbelief, shook his head, and went back into The Brick. I was thoroughly convinced that he KNEW I had taken something, and was disgusted at every kid on the planet. I knew I was the physical manifestation of his mistrust in all kids everywhere.
22 That night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and felt simply awful. I had stolen from Howard Cobb. Yeah it was maybe a nickel's worth of baseball cards, but to me it may as well have been a diamond heist. Poor Howard. Poor Mrs. Cobb!
23 In the morning I could stand it no longer. I gathered a handful of change, hopped on my bike, and flew down Helen Drive. I headed straight for the Brick of Gold. Without saying a word I walked right in, firmly placed a nickel on the counter, and departed.
24 When I got outside, the relief I felt was beyond words. I felt I was the single most pure and incredibly honest person who ever walked the Earth. I had sinned, and I had done confession, penance and communion all in one fell swoop.
25 From then on I could never consider stealing...
26 From a store.
27 Taking signs was another thing entirely. I figured that there were WAY too many street signs for the same street, and that nobody would miss one. For whatever reason, the moral line was a thin one, but clearly defined to me.
28 So I kept going around taking signs. I had a wrench with me. It was fun, naturally, because it took a little time, and then running away with the newfound prize was always exhilarating. I began small, but soon found myself taking enormous "No Trespassing" signs, signs that had tremendously more risk than simply ripping an office sign off a door. The bigger the game, the more dangerous. Books have been written about it. Hemingway bagged huge game, as did Teddy Roosevelt. The more dangerous the game, the more satisfying the hunt. I knew this.
29 I think my favorite sign was this small sign inside of a Safeway. The very fact that it was in a store, where I knew they had one-way mirrors with managers certainly stationed every ten feet looking down made it a thunderous conquest.
30 The sign said this: "Shoplifting is a Crime, Punishable by Law".
31 That was my favorite acquisition of them all. Bagging a six-point buck, or a multi-horned rhino would have paled in comparison. It wasn't a large sign, but it was clearly a badge of courage, and of manhood at a time in life when being a man meant everything. I had climbed the highest mountain, and I had the prize to prove it.
32 By and by I lost interest in taking signs, but my room certainly rivaled that of Jack, who was a hero and a role model to me.
33 Funny the things we feel are moral and the things we feel aren't. I never really cared. I just knew that for one grand moment, I was the best there was. And I can't tell you how important that is to a 13-year old boy's sense of cool. I came, I saw, and I conquered. All was well in the great mangled jungle called adolescence.
34 Moving On, Well Sort Of: Okay so just as I was finishing this, I looked up at the teevee. That show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was on.
35 That's the show where they randomly choose some family going through a hideously difficult time and decide to do like around a million dollars worth of improvements to their homes. I could dedicate the next five DN's to this one, but what's amazing is they went into one of the rooms and it had...
36 Street signs. Everywhere. Just as I was finishing this up. I swear to you.
37 What prompted me to write this was unrelated. We did a Fashion Show on Friday night and the designer, a student named Ranier (who amazingly is the brother of Eillenil, those of you who love coincidences and know who that is!) wanted a street look for his show, and on Friday morning our custodian had loaned his stop sign, one-way sign, and around three or four others to the cause.
38 Anyway, Eillenil and Mark came in and completely surprised me on Friday night. Two key members of our 1996 version of Guys and Dolls, and two people who remember the very earliest days of the Daily News, they came in and put a huge smile on my face. I LOVED seeing them!
39 Well, the signs worked great, the show went swiftly, and last night, just as I was finishing the DN, that show came on the teevee showing me that signs are evidently okay in the world of teenage decorations.
40 I guess it was resolved right there. Ty Pennington, the final word on angels in America, managed to decorate this kid's room with all sorts of street signs, and Ty Pennington is somehow the swellest guy walking around, because he could arbitrarily spend a million dollars on some famiy who is always going to cry, and Ty gets to be swell every single week! Ty gets paid handsomely to be a swell guy. Here's a fun article from Mother Jones all about commercializing altruisms. I avoid going too far off the subject this way.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.motherjones.com/arts/feature/2007/11/schlock-and-awwww-320x456.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.motherjones.com/arts/feature/2007/11/schlock-and-awwww.html&h=456&w=320&sz=37&hl=en&start=66&um=1&tbnid=y37kmO9UF-zWXM:&tbnh=128&tbnw=90&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTy%2Bpennington%26start%3D60%26ndsp%3D20%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN
Ty Pennington: A Swell Guy
41 Anyway, before this takes off in another direction, I think I'll just stop right here and enjoy the coincidence and the moral question, which remains a tad unresolved. Why is it not okay to steal from individuals, but somehow it is acceptable to grab street signs?
42 I just didn't think signs were hurting anyone, so I had the coolest room in town. To me, there was no moral debate.
43 Ah, who cares anyway? That was all a million years ago. I have no recollection as to where those signs wound up. I went off to college and I'm imagining that my dad probably took them to the dumps, but I may just never know.
44 Just a quick childhood memory, followed last night by an amazing coincidence.
45 Fun stuff. Just thought I'd share.
46 Have a great Monday. Don't steal. Unless it's signs. Baseball coaches have been doing that for years.
47 I'd better go. That's just one too many, and I fully apologize.
48 Fly low today.
49 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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