The Daily News
“Dude,what’s THIS button for?”
—Christa McCauliffe
1 Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Me, Dept.: Gotta love this one. Yesterday I needed to find some piece of sent mail, so I went to “Sent Mail”.
2 Sounds logical.
3 Well, I must have done something stupid because the “Sent Mail” wasn’t alphabetized, which is how I usually keep it. So I decided to switch it back to making it alphabetized.
4 I didn’t really know how to adjust that stuff, so I called our tech guy on the radio.
5 No reply.
6 So I did what any red-blooded American would do: I began pusing buttons and trying to figure it out on my own.
7 I pushed one, some right-click dealy, and all the names disappeared.
8 I kept experimenting and goofing around, hoping to stumble upon the answer, when I just got that feeling that commotion just happened.
9 Locommotion. Come on, baby, do the locommotion…<just an aside: that song will ring through your head for the rest of the day. M’bad.>
10 I felt like some Rube Goldberg machine had just gone into effect, and that within two minutes some red plastic guy was gonna dive into a sawed-off barrel onto a catapult that was going to cause a cage to click down a pole and capture me.
11 Everything turned red, yellow and blue at once.
12 And within seconds, I looked back up.
13 The next thing that happened is a bit blurred, but I realized rather quickly that every single e-mail I have sent for the past two years suddenly launched, with TODAY’S date on it!
14 Within seconds I was getting e-mails a hundred at a time. “WHAT??? There’s a TRACK MEET IN JANUARY????? DO WE HAVE TIMERS???1!???” “I DON’T WORK THEIR ANYMORE. PLEASE STOP HOUNDING ME ABOUT SUPERVISION!!!!” “Are you smokin’ CRACK??” “I don’t have this student this year; I hear he’s in federal prison for throwing SKITTLES you CLOWN!!!” “Sorry I haven’t done any supervision since you got here. I’ll work the Swim Meet tomorrow…= )…”
15 Kiss ass.
16 One guy came down in a hurry. “What d’ya need me to do man? I didn’t quite get it but I’m here if ya need me!” I sent him out for some Skittles just so he wouldn’t think it was a false alarm. Some guys are just there for you all the time.
17 I spent the next twenty minutes fighting off the three million responses coming at me, so many that I just made a generic, “Please ignore the last e-mail. I accidentally launched every sent mail in my box for the past two years. Aren’t you glad you’re not me?”
18 I actually thought about starting up drinkin’ again, making myself a couple of scotch-and-sodas, and sitting at home goofing on the two-hundred e-mails flying into my day.
19 Throw on some nice loud rock, say the Ataris Boys of Summer or something, and kick back in howling laughter.
20 Anyway, I haven’t even looked at the stuff since around 4 p.m.
21 I vanished man.
22 Invisible.
23 Ha!
24 That was my day.
25 I’ll keep ya posted…
26 Peace.
~H~
