December 5, 2007
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The Daily News
1 Amazing.
2 Just everything.
3 Last night I suddenly became paranoid that I might get eaten by a bear.
4 Ever worry about that?
5 I remember distinctly this show that used to sort of come around every now and again called When Bears Attack.
6 Something.
7 The thing is I made some bacon a while back, and it needed to be eaten so last night I made a bacon and Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheese sandwich.
8 You know when you just haven't had food and you open your fridge and all you have is shit that'll killya?
9 That.
10 So I opened the fridge, pulled out the bacon that was already cooked, and the cheese.
11 Just a little sidebar: Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese is Truth.
12 Anyway I found a bag of corn chip crumbs, cut two pieces of the cheddar, and brought out the baggie of bacon, and within minutes I was on Easy Street.
13 My good ol' mates The Grateful Dead used to say that when life looks like Easy Street there is danger at your door.
14 So that lyric went through my head when I started eating the bacon sandwich, which is already a heart-stopper. Within seconds, I goofed on something.
15 See, sometimes when it's late and I'm alone in a room I get WAY paranoid. I'm afraid of virtually everything: radiation from the teevee, hammertoe, new freckles, you get the drift.
16 Well I goofed on what someone told me once about bacon.
17 They said that you should never go hiking after you had bacon because the bears will smell it and then tear you up and rip you to pieces.
18 And then I remembered those old When Bears Attack shows. I remembered how the bears in those videos used to knock down doors like they were dominos, farmer and all.
19 And then they'd rip some guy's kitchen apart: screen doors, wood-burning stove, shovels, milking gloves, grandmas.
20 Well, I ate the entire small snack (anything larger than a few square inches coulda killed me anyway!) and I survived.
21 Gee but it's great to be back home.
22 Well thank the stars I lived to tellya about it.
23 I guess that's about it. Guns last week, and Bearanoia this week.
24 I gottago. Nice once again to be alive. Fookin' bears man. ; )
25 Live life; love life.
26 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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