December 2, 2007
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The Daily News
1 So...Evel Knievel flies into a bar...
2 Classic goofball.
3 Ah, so it goes, so it goes...
4 Moving on: A thought: If Superman eats garlic pesto, does he have super-breath?
3 And more randomness: You wanna know what gives me the jeebs? The Burger King.
4 Who PITCHED that concept?
5 I flatly refuse even to put the guy's picture. I haven't been so irritated by something that's out there on mainstream teevee since the onslaught and subsequent success of Richard Simmons. I NEVER understood THAT one either.
6 I mean, yeah, the guy definitely has a ton of talent...
7 Yeesh.
8 Well, no point in starting a Monday off with all things irritating.
9 We're just marching into December now, aren't we?
10 The other night I found myself moseying around Barnes and Noble, just a nice thing to do in December.
11 Pretty fun. And pretty free. I found myself hanging out in the trivia section most of the night, looking at books of lists, useless information, and other oddities.
12 I found some book called 101 Things You Should Know How to Do. Honestly, I always think I should take about thirty seconds a day to teach students how to do normal things, like folding a box, or tying a tie.
13 We spend billions of dollars teaching them about algebra, which I've NEVER used EVER, not that there's anything WRONG with algebra, mind you, but we learned that and a lotta other stuff I never used, and really never learned a thing about how to polish shoes or how to get a stain out. And now I have this book. It's swell.
14 It's great. Here are some things they teach you how to do in the book: It's actually the titles of the chapters:
- Shave
- Propose a Toast
- Dance the Waltz
- Introduce a Person
- Lay Carpet
- Mop the Floor
- Fold Clothes
- House Train Your Cat
- Change a Diaper
- Wrap a Gift
- Tie Knots
- Scoop Ice Cream
- Pour a Beer With a Perfect Head
- Make a Perfect Bloody Mary
15 How can you miss? We all assume we know how to do these things, but I just don't THINK so.
16 How come schools waste so much time on nonsense when we would do better to know how to do normal things?
17 I'm tellin' ya, just around thirty seconds a day and my students will learn more useful stuff than sixteen years of education might give them.
18 They ought really to make the California High School Exit Exam based on a book of normal things.
19 Like how to be courteous. Or how to change lanes using a signal.
20 When not to pick your nose.
21 Sorry. M'bad. It's just every once in a while I look over at a stoplight, and some guy has his finger all up in there, and then examines it like it's a fine diamond.
22 Why at a stoplight, dude?
23 Anyway, I got another book called Instant Vocabulary. Just learn roots. It's great. Like "lic" means "permit" or "volcan" and "vulcan" in a word means "fire". That book cost me six bucks, minus my discount.
24 And the last book I got was called 100 Things You're Not Supposed To Know. Here are a few samples of THAT book's chapters:
- One of the Popes Wrote an Erotic Book
- Genetically-Engineered Humans Have Already Been Born
- The Bayer Company Made Heroin
- Men Have Clitorises
- Head Transplants on Monkeys Have Already Been Performed
- The U.S. Has Almost Nuked Canada, Britain, Spain, Greenland, and Texas.
- Two Atomic Bombs WEre Dropped on North Carolina
25 Total cost was $23 and change.
26 Merry Christmas to me.
27 I'll share some of those things with you in the coming weeks.
28 Bet you're on the edge of your seats.
29 Fun stuff.
30 Goof on some of this as the day goes on today. Hey, it's Monday. Google it when no one's lookin'.
31 Okay then.
32 Y'all enjoy your day.
33 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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