November 27, 2007
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The Daily News
1 It's the most wonderful time of the year...
2 Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to put all your Thanksgiving stuff away and turn to all things Christmas. Already we have survived Black Friday AND Cyber Monday, a new one on me.
3 But no sooner have we thrown the remains of the old wishbone down the garbage disposal than we suddenly need to begin spending every last dollar on celebrating the birth of JAY-zuss.
4 And I mean that with no disrespect.
5 So welcome to my second annual One-Stop Christmas Shoppe.
6 Last year I discovered a lot of great Christmas gifts that you'll hopefully never see. I believe that in honor of yesterday's Cyber Monday, that you will now have a Tuesday to beat the band.
7 'Bout time.
8 It should come as no surprise that this year's catalogue is filled with gifts that would cause a two-year old to go into convulsions and guffaws the likes of which will probably echo all the way to the North Pole.
9 So here ya go: a list of actual presents you can buy online. Please enjoy, and if anyone wants to know who gave you this information, tell them it was Paz Rocha.
10 So...c'mon everybody, here we gooooo...
Our first gift is actually TWO gifts called
!!!
for $6.99, you can bring home the shimmeringly dark dog poop, above.
for those on a budget, you can go with the simple light beige, only $2.88 (puppy not included.)
if that's just a little too classy for your tastes, we can direct you to this next gift, but you should be warned: supplies are limited, so order early.
your 2008-9 OFFICIAL
BUTT CRACK
calendar!!!!
I'm tellin' ya!
"but wait just a second," you might say. "Won't that cost me a fortune?"
NOT TO WORRY.
ALL GOOD GIFTS ON THIS PAGE ARE UNDER 20 BUCKS, SO START SHOPPING TODAY!
OKAY, SO YOU DON'T REALLY THINK THE
BUTT CRACK CALENDAR IS YOU!! NOT TO WORRY!!!
Here's one that'll blow your dress up. Any union people out there? Well howzbout THIS:
Now the beauty part of either of those class acts is that you don't get one picture, or even three, no sir...you get TWELVE pictures in each. Now you can plan everything with a complete disdain for good taste! Hang it in your office, garage, or dorm room!
By now you must simply be on the edge of your seat. So how about THIS little dandy:
New Mooners Merry KIss-This!!! A picture, they say, is worth a thousand words.
I for one am at a complete loss here.
But WAIT!
Don't touch that dial!
Not until you've seen this:
SANTA BUBBLE-BUTT WITH BEAUTIFULLY RIMMED HEMORRHOID!!!
Who could ask for anything more?
We could. How's THIS for a few laughs at your
Christmas party:
It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!
here's more:
Poopin' Rudolph, poops chocolate candy right outta his rear, for the kiddies!!!
And if that's not enough potty humor for you, we have...
fancy that! This year's Christmas gag people have pulled out all stops when it comes to butt/potty humor. In fact, it's darned difficult to find anything that DOESN'T have that theme.
To wit:
Yep, you guessed it! An entire album called Smelly Holidays. Excuse the pun, but here's the poop on that CD:
PULL MY FINGER
SMELLY HOLIDAY CD
13 Tracks of Pure Flatulence Holiday DelightClick To Hear Samples
This CD is a real GAS, including such hits:1. 12 Farts of Christmas
2. We wish you a Smelly Xmas
3. Oh Gassy Tree
4. Soil The Halls
5. Stinky Dreidel
6. Silent but Deadly Night7. We wish you a Smelly Xmas (A Cappella)
8. Smells to the World
9. Jingle Smells (A Cappella)
10. Sugarplum Farties
11. Smell the Halls (A Cappella)
12. Auld Gas SineOUR PRICE: $ 9.89What? You can't push there for a sample? TOOOO bad man. But look at the bright side: you just saved $9.89!
On the other hand, this CD DOES brag that it includes the hit Silent but Deadly Night.
Personally, I fail to see how you could pass this one up!
Well, it's not ALL potty humor. You could always go with the traditional stocking full of coal...
or...
You could just enjoy some traditional potty humor with your favorite politician...
or better still, you might take one look at that face and just wish to save your money...
...with this handy, dandy butt crack bank!!!!
Anyway, I hope I saved a lot of you a trip to the store, and I also hope you have your thumb on the pulse of the American buying public, and I certainly hope you enjoyed this with tongue planted firmly in cheek.
This is America folks; all of this stuff is available for your shopping pleasure.
And that, ladies and gents, is what the Holidays are all about now, isn't it?
Y'all have a wonderful day, and begin enjoying the most wonderful time of the year!!!
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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