November 25, 2007
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The Daily News
1 Some fun.
2 LOTTA food.
3 Well, I didn't originally expect to have a lotta food, but it just worked out that way.
4 Last Tuesday my refridge went on the fritz.
5 All the food had to be rescued, but I had to chuck this 18-pound turkey.
6 I'm not in the business of poisoning guests, so I had to give the big headless lug the heave-ho.
7 And then I wondered why my garbage was so top heavy.
8 Anyway I had to run out on Tuesday night and buy a new refrigerator or I woulda lost all the food. Got the fridge, but then I needed a good cheapo turkey, and fast.
9 I went to Costco, which opened a new store over by my house. That place usually annoys me on around twelve different levels, but when you need a fast turkey at Thanksgiving, it seemed quite the place.
10 The only thing is, they just had these HUGE turkeys, like around 400 pounds or something.
11 Okay, so that's an exaggeration.
12 But it was around six or seven pounds bigger than the first one, and we also decided to cook up around seventeen thousand potatoes, and twelve gallons of stuffing, which is well named.
13 And that doesn't include the pies, veggies, biscuits, gravy and all the rest.
14 LOTTA food.
15 And you know you buy this enormous turkey and for some reason you buy one of those cheapo aluminum pans to cook it in, like you have to save a little dough, so that's where you decide to draw the line.
16 Well, naturally when I went to take it outta the oven, everything folded and juices I never knew existed started pouring over the edges.
17 We got the baster syringe suction thingy and sucked the juices out, got the old fellow up on the sink and eventually enjoyed a feast to beat the band.
18 The only bad thing was that last week I didn't get the garbage out the night before garbage day, so I had triple garbage as of yesterday.
19 Decided to do what any red-blooded American good citizen would do. I threw all the Thanksgiving garbage into the back of the TOOOOOOONDRA and headed off to the town dump.
20 With everything tied down and a bunch of yard garbage to cover it, I pulled up to the dumps, and the guy told me I couldn't dump food stuff there. I had to go to the FOOD dumps. He pointed to where the food dumps were and I tipped my hat, much obliged.
21 But once I headed to where he pointed, I arrived only to find that the food dumps no longer existed. I drove up and down the road like Jed Clampett, but came up empty and had to come home and throw all put all the garbage back where I found it, which is to say right next to my garbage cans.
22 LOTTA food and LOTTA garbage.
23 Tough break. I thought about just giving it all the heave-ho right outside the dumps but thought better of it. After all, I didn't wanna go to prison for Thanksgiving garbage.
24 You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.
25 Anyway, that's my tale of woe, and of how I just came to have a LOTTA food today.
26 I have to guess that was pretty edifying.
27 Y'all have a great Monday, willya?
28 Peace.
~H~
http://www.xanga.com/bharrington
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