Month: November 2007

  •  The Daily News

    some weird chick 1

    1  So ask me how yesterday went.

    2  Don’t ask.

    3  Haha, ever feel that way?

    4  I didn’t get to the DN until like almost 1 a.m.

    5  Ah, we all have days like these.

    6  It’s funny though, ‘cuz if someone asked, “How’s it goin’” yesterday, you know, just to be polite, I’da wound up telling the guy.

    7  I mean, come on. Nobody REALLY cares how it’s goin’. It’s just a salutation. I have  a set answer to that question anyway. Here it is: Can’t complain.

    8  They’ll usually follow with, “And even if you could, nobody would give a shit!”

    9  But I always say that anyway. It’s just a great answer. No matter how pissy your day REALLY is, just say, “Can’t complain.”

    10  It’s usually a good answer, and unless you have had some harrible thing go on, like your cat swallowed his tongue or something, it’s pretty okay to just say, “Can’t complain.”

    11  Even if you can.

    12  Moving on:  Well, yesterday these things happened, in order: We had an earthquake drill. EVERYBODY had to get under these little teeny desks, so if you were a big person, your ass woulda been nailed by a  falling beam, or shards of glass.

    13  Immediately after that drill, all the fire alarms went off. Almost immediately it was called a false alarm, but our speakers weren’t loud enough so I just yelled to everyone that it was a false alarm, and I prevented the greatest exodus since Moses.

    14  But nobody listened because nobody was sure it was false. Word got back that it wasn’t a false alarm, then that it was, then that it wasn’t, etc.

    15  Turns out that some science teacher started like around the seventeenth fire since October.

    16  So we returned to class. A student asked, “Now what are we going to do?”

    17  I told him that we were going to prepare for a Locust Drill.

    18  He looked at me like I had ten heads.

    19  Still later, I needed to meet with the head custodian, who was by the elevators.

    20  Yep, you heard correctly. The Chill has elevators. When I was in high school, we used to sell elevator tickets to freshmen for fifty cents, even though we didn’t have any elevators.

    21  Turns out that four students were stuck in the elevator. They tried to hold the door but it didn’t work, so the door jammed almost completely closed, so that you could only get your nose and mouth through the opening.

    22  The guys were actually in there legitimately, at least two of them who had game legs. Two others were just their buddies who didn’t have game legs, but who wanted just to hang out in the elevators.

    23  I stuck my nose through the opening just enough to say, “Hey fellas! This job sure has its ups and downs, dontcha think?”

    24  <thud>

    25  Ask me how my day went yesterday.

    26  Can’t complain.

    27  Godspeed.

    ~H~

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  •  

     gag santa

    The Daily News

     gag13 yule doo

    1   It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

    2   Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to put all your Thanksgiving stuff away and turn to all things Christmas.  Already we have survived Black Friday AND Cyber Monday, a new one on me.

    3  But no sooner have we thrown the remains of the old wishbone down the garbage disposal than we suddenly need to begin spending every last dollar on celebrating the birth of JAY-zuss.

    4  And I mean that with no disrespect.

    5  So welcome to my second annual One-Stop Christmas Shoppe.

    6  Last year I discovered a lot of great Christmas gifts that you’ll hopefully never see. I believe that in honor of yesterday’s Cyber Monday, that you will now have a Tuesday to beat the band.

    7  ‘Bout time.

    8  It should come as no surprise that this year’s catalogue is filled with gifts that would cause a two-year old to go into convulsions and guffaws the likes of which will probably echo all the way to the North Pole.

    9  So here ya go: a list of actual presents you can buy online. Please enjoy, and if anyone wants to know who gave you this information, tell them it was Paz Rocha.

    10  So…c’mon everybody, here we gooooo…

    Our first gift is actually TWO gifts called

    gag 15 flaming dog doo candle light beige $2gag 14 flaming dog poop candles!!!

    gag 16 flaming dog doo candle dark brown $6

    for $6.99, you can bring home the shimmeringly dark dog poop, above.

    for those on a budget, you can go with the simple light beige, only $2.88 (puppy not included.)

     

    if  that’s just a little too classy for your tastes, we can direct you to this next gift, but you should be warned: supplies are limited, so order early.

    gag 1 buttcrack calendar

    your 2008-9 OFFICIAL

    BUTT CRACK

    calendar!!!!

    I’m tellin’ ya!

    “but wait just a second,” you might say. “Won’t that cost me a fortune?”

     

    NOT TO WORRY.

    ALL GOOD GIFTS ON THIS PAGE ARE UNDER 20 BUCKS, SO START SHOPPING TODAY!

    OKAY, SO YOU DON’T REALLY THINK THE

    BUTT CRACK CALENDAR IS YOU!! NOT TO WORRY!!!

    Here’s one that’ll blow your dress up. Any union people out there? Well howzbout THIS:

    gag 6 dog poop calendar

    Now the beauty part of either of those class acts is that you don’t get one picture, or even three, no sir…you get TWELVE pictures in each. Now you can plan everything with a complete disdain for good taste! Hang it in your office, garage, or dorm room!

     

    By now you must simply be on the edge of your seat. So how about THIS little dandy:

     

    gag 11 frosty

    New Mooners Merry KIss-This!!! A picture, they say, is worth a thousand words.

    I for one am at a complete loss here.

    But WAIT!

    Don’t touch that dial!

    Not until you’ve seen this:

    gag 9 bubble blowing santa

    SANTA BUBBLE-BUTT WITH BEAUTIFULLY RIMMED HEMORRHOID!!!

    Who could ask for anything more?

    We could. How’s THIS for a few laughs at your
    Christmas party:

     

    gago 11 toilet monster

     

    gag 10 watch a video

     

    It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!!

    here’s more:

    gag 8 candy pooping reindeer

    Poopin’ Rudolph, poops chocolate candy right outta his rear, for the kiddies!!!

    And if that’s not enough potty humor for you, we have…

    gag 8 rude rover sings and toots

     

    fancy that! This year’s Christmas gag people have pulled out all stops when it comes to butt/potty humor. In fact, it’s darned difficult to find anything that DOESN’T have that theme.

    To wit:

    gag 5 smelly holiday cd

    Yep, you guessed it! An entire album called Smelly Holidays. Excuse the pun, but here’s the poop on that CD:

    PULL MY FINGER
    SMELLY HOLIDAY CD

    13 Tracks of Pure Flatulence Holiday Delight

    Click To Hear Samples

    This CD is a real GAS, including such hits:
    1. 12 Farts of Christmas
    2. We wish you a Smelly Xmas
    3. Oh Gassy Tree
    4. Soil The Halls
    5. Stinky Dreidel
    6. Silent but Deadly Night
    7. We wish you a Smelly Xmas (A Cappella)
    8. Smells to the World
    9. Jingle Smells (A Cappella)
    10. Sugarplum Farties
    11. Smell the Halls (A Cappella)
    12. Auld Gas Sine
    OUR PRICE: $ 9.89

    What? You can’t push there for a sample? TOOOO bad man. But look at the bright side: you just saved $9.89!

    On the other hand, this CD DOES brag that it includes the hit Silent but Deadly Night.

    Personally, I fail to see how you could pass this one up!

    Well, it’s not ALL potty humor. You could always go with the traditional stocking full of coal…

    or…

    You could just enjoy some traditional potty humor with your favorite politician…

    gag 2 charmin' bush

    or better still, you might take one look at that face and just wish to save your money…

    gag 3 butt bank

    …with this handy, dandy butt crack bank!!!!

    Anyway, I hope I saved a lot of you a trip to the store, and I also hope you have your thumb on the pulse of the American buying public, and I certainly hope you enjoyed this with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

    This is America folks; all of this stuff is available for your shopping pleasure.

    And that, ladies and gents, is what the Holidays are all about now, isn’t it?

    Y’all have a wonderful day, and begin enjoying the most wonderful time of the year!!!

    ~H~

    santa coke

     

    cool guy

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  • thanks 4 happy guy   

    thanks 3 fred and ginger

     The Daily News

    thanks 2 lotta crabtree

    1  Some fun.

    2  LOTTA food.

    thanks 8 norman rockwell

    thanks 5 plate

    3  Well, I didn’t originally expect to have a lotta food, but it just worked out that way.

    4  Last Tuesday my refridge went on the fritz.

    5  All the food had to be rescued, but I had to chuck this 18-pound turkey.

    6  I’m not in the business of poisoning guests, so I had to give the big headless lug the heave-ho.

    7  And then I wondered why my garbage was so top heavy.

    8  Anyway I had to run out on Tuesday night and buy a new refrigerator or I woulda lost all the food. Got the fridge, but then I needed a good cheapo turkey, and fast.

    9  I went to Costco, which opened a new store over by my house. That place usually annoys me on around twelve different levels, but when you need a fast turkey at Thanksgiving, it seemed quite the place.

    10  The only thing is, they just had these HUGE turkeys, like around 400 pounds or something.

    11  Okay, so that’s an exaggeration.

    12  But it was around six or seven pounds bigger than the first one, and we also decided to cook up around seventeen thousand potatoes, and twelve gallons of stuffing, which is well named.

    13  And that doesn’t include the pies, veggies, biscuits, gravy and all the rest.

    thanks 6 pies

    14  LOTTA food.

    15  And you know you buy this enormous turkey and for some reason you buy one of those cheapo aluminum pans to cook it in, like you have to save a little dough, so that’s where you decide to draw the line.

    16  Well, naturally when I went to take it outta the oven, everything folded and juices I never knew existed started pouring over the edges.

    17  We got the baster syringe suction thingy and sucked the juices out, got the old fellow up on the sink and eventually enjoyed a feast to beat the band.

    18  The only bad thing was that last week I didn’t get the garbage out the night before garbage day, so I had triple garbage as of yesterday.

    19  Decided to do what any red-blooded American good citizen would do. I threw all the Thanksgiving garbage into the back of the TOOOOOOONDRA and headed off to the town dump.

    20  With everything tied down and a bunch of yard garbage to cover it, I pulled up to the dumps, and the guy told me I couldn’t dump food stuff there. I had to go to the FOOD dumps. He pointed to where the food dumps were and I tipped my hat, much obliged.

    thanks 1 dumps

    21  But once I headed to where he pointed, I arrived only to find that the food dumps no longer existed. I drove up and down the road like Jed Clampett, but came up empty and had to come home and throw all put all the garbage back where I found it, which is to say right next to my garbage cans.

    22  LOTTA food and LOTTA garbage.

    23  Tough break. I thought about just giving it all the heave-ho right outside the dumps but thought better of it. After all, I didn’t wanna go to prison for Thanksgiving garbage.

    24  You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant.

    25  Anyway, that’s my tale of woe, and of how I just came to have a LOTTA food today.

    thanks pigs is pigs

    26  I have to guess that was pretty edifying.

    27  Y’all have a great Monday, willya?

    28  Peace.

    ~H~

    thanks 9 clampetts

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  •   laughing guy 1cool guy

    The Daily News

    turkey 5 leaf

      1  Gobble gobble.

    2  Ah, I hear President Bush gave a pardon to two turkeys.

    3  I remember the days when a President pardoned a whole ton of turkeys.

    4  I must say though that for once, Bush was somewhat amusing.

    5  He said that the names of the turkeys he pardoned were “May” and “Flower”.

    turkeys 1 two alive

    6  And he said that the vice-president wanted to name them “Lunch” and “Dinner”.

    turkeys 2 cooked

    7  Okay I’ll give the guy that one.

    8  It’s a holiday anyway, and a darned good one.

    9  Anybody working or doing schoolwork after 12 noon today must at least PRETEND they are doing those things, because the rest of us are already goofing off.

    turkey 8 breakdancers in silhouette

    10  It wasn’t really fair for me personally though, because I have been down with a cold the past few days. I didn’t even go in yesterday.

    11  I won’t waste precious time telling you about this nasty cold because NOBODY really wants to hear about someone’s cold during the cold season. Hey, you got a cold. And?

    12  Once again, you might as well be pouring air out of a Dixie cup.

    13  Moving on: Okay, I SWEAR to you I have not been watching teevee AND that I have cut my driving down by at least two-thirds, sort of a solo protest to the strike and to the RIDICULOUS gas-price gouging going on. I’ve stepped up riding my bike, and it’s been awesome. WHEN the teevee is on for OTHERS, I have ignored it unless it’s a DVD.

    14  But I somehow wound up watching the last episode of The Bachelor the other night, completing an entire season of watching a show I absolutely have disdained from the beginning.

    15  Did ANYONE take a gander at that one? That creampuff imbecile got down to the last two girls who he was going to go down the aisle with, and proceeded to wuss out on BOTH.

    16  I think this guy may have just played everyone, or that the entire thing was scripted.

    17  Scandalous.

    18  I threw a lamp through my teevee. I hope I killed the bastard.

    19  Ah, what’s it matter? It’s Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The day is sunny and blustery; families and friends are gathering; glasses are being raised, hugs are happening all over, kids are smiling and dogs are wagging their tales in joy.

    20  Somewhere, some stoners are in the park skateboarding and enjoying the fallen leaves.

    turkeys 7 skateboarder benign sign

    21  Some kid is doing criss-cross steps to a huge radio while his friends are grinning.

    22  Someone’s flying a kite.

    turkeys 4 kite

    23  And everywhere there is a sense of smiling and reacquainting.

    24  And you know, May and Flower now have a new lease on life.

    25  Don’t we all this time of year.

    26  You guys have a lovely Thanksgiving.

    27  Count your blessings, not your calories.

    28  See ya Monday.

    29  Peace.

    ~H~

    turkey 3 autumn tree and sky

     

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  • cool guy The Daily News cool guy

    whipple 1 charmin
    Dick Wilson as Mr. Whipple, about to squeeze
    some Charmin of his own.

    1  So…Dick Wilson walks into a bar…

    2   Wilson was most famous for playing Mr. Whipple, the crotchety old man who used to shoo women away for squeezing the Charmin.

    3   Come to think of it, Wilson was ONLY famous for playing Mr. Whipple, the crotchety old man who used to shoo women away for squeezing the Charmin.

    4   He also played drunk guys on Bewitched, and a million parts with guys named Al, and Charlie, and he once even played a guy named Beaver Louie in Sergeant Preston of the Yukon.

    whipple 2 dick simmons and yukon king

    5  To the layman, though, he’ll always be remembered as Mr. Whipple…

    6   …who was a strange character anyway, because those of you who recall those commercials which ran for around nine-hundred years, Mr. Whipple would always take a little squeeze when nobody was looking, making him one of the most luridly strange characters in the history of teevee.

    7  He appeared as Mr. Whipple in over 500 commercials, so many that Charmin gave the guy a free lifetime supply of Charmin.

    8  Probably went broke doing it too. He lived to be 91.

    9  And here’s a little trivia: Do you know what Dick Wilson’s REAL name was?

    10  <Double buzzer>  Time’s up. Ricardo DiGuglielmo, and he was born in 1916.

    11  Some of you knew that.

    12  Where would we be without Wikipedia folks?

    13  They acually had a LIST of every part the guy ever played.

    14  That’s how I found out about Beaver Louie.

    15  Ah, life’s good in the ots.

    16  Just what DO we call nowadays? There were the twenties, the thirties, the forties, and all the famous “decades” of the previous century, but what was the name of the period from 1900 to 1910?

    whipple 3 the wright brothers

    17  And what WILL the new twenties be called?

    18  They’re comin’ right up y’all.

    19  Know who first asked me that? Randy Ritchie of O.J.’s fame.

    20  Good question. Good waiter. He’s the guy who does the birthday raps, and then tears off his coat to reveal no sleeves on his shirt, all the way up.

    21  Have ya been to the new O.J.’s, by the way? I gives it a thumbs up. All change is pretty weird, but O.J.’s seemed to manage.

    22  Anyway, it’s Tuesday of Thanksgiving week.

    23  Oh, oh what I want to know is where does the time go?

    24  Well, time to fly outta here.

    25  Been fun.

    26  And thanks Dick, for teaching us to treat our buns to a product that is clearly  squeezably soft. You’ve saved a lot of us from getting monkey rash.

    27  I always thought they should make a Shakespearean toilet paper with Romeo and Juliet on the cover and call it Butt Soft

    28  Okay it’s Tuesday so I could get away with stuff like that, because Tuesdays don’t count unless they are your birthday.

    29  So you have a sqeezably soft day, and let’s give a little wink to the late Mr. Whipple for providing a few chuckles on a Tuesday afternoon.

    30  Good night Mr. Whipple, wherever you are.

    31  And you all have a fun day today, willya?

    32  Peace. 

    ~H~

     

    cool guy

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  •  

    The Daily News

     Alice 3 woody
    Legendary folk artist Woody Guthrie.

    1  Welcome back to one of the biggest goof-off weeks of the year.

    2  Be absolutely sure you do all your work this week.

    3  Thanksgiving week.

    4  Pretty underrated.

    5  Already we start to to hear from friends and family, and it really becomes a time literally to  give thanks, especially for all the people and things in our lives.

    6  I always love Thanksgiving just because. It’s not a huge thing, but has all the right elements: family, friends, food, good times, and a very brief hiatus from our own idiotic worlds.

    7  I also like it because I love listening to Arlo Guthrie’s classic album Alice’s Restaurant, the entire massacree. If you’ve never had the pleasure, you should just get the CD. I’m sure it holds up.

    8  Arlo Guthrie, a folk artist in his own right, is also the son of folk legend Woody Guthrie, most famous for This Land is Your Land. Alice’s Restaurant is a classic Thanksgiving story about a hippy Thanksgiving that winds up with the narrator himself getting arrested for littering his Thanksgiving stuff. The second half is about his experiences with the draft board, and how his arrest ironically keeps him from being drafted.

    Alice 1

    Alice’s Restaurant album cover.

    9  Simple, unique, and amusing, the story is also a bit of fun aimed at just how ridiculous a whole bunch of stuff is: authority, hypocracy, war, and the American way.

    10  It’s also a great Thanksgiving story, and an annual autumn chuckle for many of us. It just seems to go with a turkey basting in the oven, and all the rest of the warmth that goes withThanksgiving. Purely American as peaches and pies, and pure folk rock.  

    11  Moving on:  Last week I reported that our original band, the Ducks, was slowly starting to re-unite. I got a chance to have dinner with Geoff and Skinny Vinny the other night, and they may have located two other members of the band, both of whom are local.

    12  Plus it turns out that Vinny has a studio at Reid-HIllview airport, and it’s awesome.

    13  That’s about three scissors steps from the Chill-on-the Hill.

    14  So to a few musicians who played together years ago, it’s looking as though we may just begin enjoying the purity and absolute buzz of creating some amazing music once again after a few thousand years away from the arena.

    15  There were big smiles all over the place on Saturday. I won’t bore you with too much of it, but really, those guys inspired other bands that played in the Theatre as the years rolled on.  They set the rock tone that remains in the YB Theatre to this day. There was a line of rock musicians who got to know one another through the years and who rocked that stage for years. Lots and lots of classic jams have happened at center stage. And it’s just this simple:

    16  It all began with the Ducks.

    17  We talked of all the fun songs we could do, and have done, from Journey to Led Zeppelin, and beyond.

    18  Near the end of the night we thought about doing Hocus Pocus by Focus, but none of us is a eunuch. At least not that anyone would admit. Plus you need a guy who could yodel, and sing in lederhosen. There just aren’t too many non-eunuchs who could fill that bill.

    19  Acually, the lederhosen could just possibly raise the bar just tight enough that we could possibly hit some of those high-end notes, but really, finding a volunteer could be at best tricky.

    20  Moving on once more: Anyway, it’s Thanksgiving week. Don’t expect anyone to be too productive this week. Nobody is expected to be. So eat cookies at work, let your professors think you’re going to do nothing but concentrating on their insecure boushit, and then get with family and friends the very second you can.

    21  This is YOUR time, not theirs.

    22  I know, I know…

    23  Just stay focused is all. All those other people come and go, but family and friends are the real deal.

    24  Live life, love life.

    25  Buy Alice’s Restaurant. It’s just fun. Get it today and give it a listen tonight. You’re sure to smile.

    26  Peace.


    ~H~

    Alice 4 autumn
     
     

    cool guy

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  •  skits 2 bonds 2+methu 7 mr=skit 3 horse's ass The Daily News

    1  There’s just something about role models man.

    2  I would have been remiss in my duties if I didn’t bring that story up.

    3  Plus I had a few DN readers write and let me know that the camel in yesterday’s DN was NOT Mr. Ed, above.

    4  The funny thing is, I had the picture of Mr. Ed in the camel slot BEFORE I had the camel, but the idea was that my DN was all about going to meetings.

    5  And one of my favorite old adages about meetings is this: A camel is a horse created by a committee.

    6  Thus Spake Zaracamela.

    7   Moving on: Yesterday our students did one of the lamest ”protests” I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching.

    8   At lunch, well over 200 students pulled Skittles out of their pockets and rained the candy all over the campus.

    skit 4 candy

    9  For a minute I thought I was getting married again. Skittles bounced, shot, whizzed and pummeled from every conceivable angle.

    10  Sounds pretty funny except that my thoughts instantly were, “This is planned, and it’s REALLY a messed up thing to do to our custodial staff, who are already way overworked, and who are an awesome group of people.” I called security and it was a slow response.

    11  The students thought it was hilarous though, and kept it going for around five minutes. The head custodian, one of the hardest workers I’ve ever met, walked to the middle of the quad to stop everyone, and they pelted him shamelessly.

    12  Well, to keep it short, I came out with a bullhorn and said, “Okay. You did a great job. Now let’s see if you could help clean all this up. It isn’t fair that you dumped on the custodians, who do everything for you. Do not dump on the custodians. Even if you weren’t throwing things, please help them; do not dump on the custodians.Thank you.” The campus was covered with Skittles everywhere.

    13  Well, it worked. Within seconds around thirty or forty students started cleaning, sweeping, and getting rid of the mess.

    14  The head custodian, who just minutes earlier tried to stop the madness and had been pelted in the middle of the quad, was practically in tears of both anger and hurt from the disrespect this supposedly classy school had shown him.

    15  He got on the bullhorn and said, “Thanks a lot. Thank you very much for making all of us, who do so much for you, suddenly have to work longer and harder today. I appeciate it. I WOULD like to thank the students who are helping.” Words to that effect.

    16  It was a sad day at the Chill. The same students who score the highest test scores in the District, the same school that raises thousands for people less fortunate than they, the same school that is repeatedly told how polite and nice the students are suddenly turned into a school ruled by mob madness, and it turned scary very fast, even if it was just candy.

    17  Meanwhile we found that during the same lunch hour, another school had a report of a gun on campus. It put it in perspective, but not that much perspective.

    18  Most of all it was a sad thing to see. Fortunately enough students showed enough character to help the custodians clean up, and by the end of the next period it was completely under control.

    19  It still took around an hour-and-a-half to get it all under control for the war weary custodial staff.

    20  I could go on, but no point. For the first time in its history, the Chill on the Hill acted like imbeciles, and it was a sad, sad day for their character suddenly to surface so ugly

    21  That’s the very reason I am absolutely against school pranks.

    22   Moving on: Steel Magnolias continues tonight and tomorrow night at 8 p.m.

    23   That’s Angie’s show, and it is produced by The Santa Clara Players and is at the Hall Pavilion Triton Museum of Art, 1505 Warburton Ave. Santa Clara $10-$15. 8 p.m. 408.248-7993. http://www.scplayers.org

    24   George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart’s Once in a Lifetime also plays this weekend at West Valley College. Directed by the amazing Ginger Drake, the show revolves around three voice coaches in Hollywood during the time that the silent era was ending and the new “talkies” were coming of age. Tonight and Saturday night, 8 p.m. $10 to $12. 14000 Fruitvale Ave. Saratoga, CA. Jenny is in this one!

    http://www.westvalley.edu/fa/theatre

    25  There’s lots more, too many to list here. Turn off your teevee and go to a play this weekend; it’s PLAY season!!!

    26  Well, thanks again for listening. Just had to blow off a little steam.

    27  I relaxed after school today by watching the drama department rehearse in my building.

    28  Sure felt like home being around Drama again.

    29  Well, it’s Friday.

    30  Go out and make it better.

    31  Peace.

    ~H~

     

    cool guy

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  •     The Daily News

    methu 1

    1  It occurred to me today that all time is relative.

    2  It’s based on this math thing a teacher told me back in the day.

    3  Back in the day.

    4  Anyway, the teacher said that to a two-year old, a year is half your life.

    methu 4 two-year olds

    5  To a ninety-two year old, a year is one/ninety-second of your life.

    methu 5 bluesman

    6  I remember being a kid and thinking that no, both are 365 days. I was too stupid to understand.

    7  When I turned 100 last week, I thought to myself, “If a year is half my life, I still have another 100 years.”

    8  But then I thought about it and I think somewhere I missed a step in my math lessons.  They didn’t have “recovery” back in the day.

    methu 6 dog

    9  Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in a meeting wishing I were anywhere BUT sitting at a meeting.

    10  I looked up at the clock.

    11  It was 3:04 for around six years.

    12  I took out a yellow legal pad, because legal pads just should be yellow.

    13  I looked around for SOME goofball to play hangman with, but these people were pretty darned serious about whatever we were meetin’ about.

    14  I looked at the paper and I had written about three words. Not only did the clock NOT move, but it seemed the paper grew as long as an untucked dress shirt, and it seemed to be blankening the longer it grew.

    15  The clock moved to 3:04. At least it seemed like it did.

    16  This one guy who looked vaguely like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character LOOKED like he wanted to goof off.

    methu 3 hanna barbera group pic

    17  But no luck. He started asking pertinent questions.

    18  I HATE guys who ask pertinent questions at meetings.

    19  Prolongs the meetings.

    20  I felt that I spent half my life at that meeting.

    21  But it’s okay.

    22  We all voted to make a horse.

    23  It was unanimous.

    24  The last guy to leave the meeting was Mr. Ed.

     methu 9 camel

    25  It’s all relative.

    26  Well, that’s about it for today.

    27  Seems like this week just flew by. Didn’t I just write about Fridays?

    28  Aight then.

    29  Have a lovely day.

    30  Peace.

    ~H~

     

    cool guy

    http://www.xanga.com/bharrington

    methu 2 clyde

     

  •  The Daily News




    1  So here’s a pretty fun experiment: writing the DN on a word doc.
     
    2  Never did it before, believe it or don’t.
     
    3  I’m sure it will move you to tears.
     
    4  Whatever happens, I’m guessing that a WHOLE buncha youse is on the edge of yer seats.
     
    5  I sure am. But that’s because I’m starting to get hemorrhoids sitting around all day jack-hammering a computer.
     
    6  Perfect job for me, really. When I’m not sitting around all day getting paid to jack-hammer a computer, I’m sitting around all night jack-hammering a computer for free.
     
    7  I know it’s “jackhammer”.
     
    8  It’s my style yo.
     
    9  Jose got all upset that I called an idea an “idear”. I’m a white guy, and I’ve heard white guys from the sticks CALL them “idears” for years.  Sorry man, hope you recovered dawg.
     
    10  Moving on:  REALLY old-school folks out there might remember my first year teaching, which was round about the time wind first came to the planet. I started out teaching English Literature and Drama, and DIDN’T direct a show the first year at YB.
     
    11  I was the musical director of Godspell, way back on the first day it ever rained.
     
    12  Our Band got to practice every single day for around four or five hours, pure rock, every single day after school and for hours more on Saturdays. And yes, we learned the Godspell songs backwards and forwards, but our true passion was just jamming and rocking in the Band room, for hours and hours and hours.
     
    13  We named the Band Daffy and the Ducks. I was Daff. They were the Ducks.
     
    14  We got so good at playing and jamming with one another’s instruments that when curtain call rolled around, each guy or gal handed off their instrument so that each could take a bow.
     
    15  The music never stopped.
     
    16   It still hasn’t.
     
    17  Two of the original Band members have kept in touch pretty well, but a guy who joined a few years later, Skinny Vinny from West Virginny just hooked up with us.
     
    18  Vinny’s a drummer extraordinaire. Still is. AMAZING talent, and an amazing personality.
     
    19  Turns out he has lived in virtually the same neighborhood as Geoff for almost fifteen years now, and neither guy knew!
     
    20  The Ducks are gonna meet up for some chow Thursday night, just to talk and reminisce.
     
    21  They may even come back together and jam some serious rock.
     
    22   They may even come back and jam All Good Gifts.
     
    23   Either way, there something magic goin’ on, and I’m glad to be a part of it.
     
    24  All Good Gifts goes out to you my good friends.
     
    25  I’ll keep y’all posted. Meanwhile if you hear some Grateful Deady tunes pounding your ears with amazing Dobro and incredible percussion, it isn’t us.
     
    26  We’re gonna be in a bar reminiscing.
     
    27  But if you DO hear them, send ‘em our way, willya?
     
    28  I think I’m gonna go now. 
     
    29  Gotta saloon to run.
     
    30  Peace and Love.
     
    31  Word.
     
    ~H~

     
     

  •   mailer 8 clip art retro chick

     mailer 2 dick nolanmailer 1 norman

    The Daily News

    1  So…Norman Mailer AND Dick Nolan walk into a bar…

    2  Goin’ wireless.

    3  So it goes.

    4  Mailer was just a great writer who was somewhat opinionated.

    5  Both legends in their own circles, both gone but certainly not forgotten by those of us who were there.

    Moving on:  If there were no Tuesdays today would be Wednesday.

    mailer 7 ruby wallpaper

    7  The theory holds.

    8   I might add having no Mondays in January. I discovered this by accident earlier this year when it was brought to my frabjous attention that I inadvertently left all Mondays out of the January page of my calendar.

    9  Excellent mistake. It’s still there, even though I finally corrected it on Friday.

    10  No Mondays in January. What a concept!

    11  With idears that extraordinary, I oughta run for President some day.

    12  I’m practically honorary CIA anyway. I don’t think those bastards know what to make of me.

    mailer 10 cia

    13  Frankly, I don’t think they really care.

    14  But it’s all right, ma. Everybody must get stoned.

    mailer 5 no tuesdays

    15  I’ve lost my harmonica, Albert.

    16  Ah, just bored here on Tuesday. There’s no time to lose, I heard her say.

    17  You see, I already see Tuesday as not visible. It’s like a free play in football. Or something.

    18  So good-bye Ruby Tuesday.

    mailer 8 ruby tuesday

    19  Who could hang a name on you?

    20  When you change with every new day, still I’m gonna miss you…

    21  Peace.

    mailer 6 ruby tuesday 45

    ~H~

    mailer 9 red mums

     

    cool guy

    http://www.xanga.com/bharrington

     

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