September 25, 2007
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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Daily News
1 I spent the lion's share of yesterday battling inanimate objects.
2 First I had the computer to deal with. I've used my daughter Caitlin's for the past couple of days and it's a fun computer. It does have one little quirk: it's the one that is like the Haywire slot machine. It suddenly jumps letters up three sentences and the cursor has a mind of its own.
3 So like I typed "3" just now and it jumped in right after the "do" on the word "does" on number 2.
4 Inanimate object. I'm smarter.
5 Well it actually cooperated yesterday. A whole LOT of things didn't, beginning with our copy machine that decided to tell me that it had jams in twelve different areas.
6 I won't list them all because I'm convinced that things happen in bunches. I'll just list one little scenario that happened after I had spent all afternoon running around for the school, came home, cooked dinner, and when I FINALLY tried to sit down and relax into doing the DN, all inanimate-object HELL broke loose.
7 I was in a hurry to clean up, but I insist on cleanliness in the kitchen, so it all came to a halt when I couldn't find the cling wrap. When I found it, I tried to open it but it was all stuck together.
8 I tried to unwind it but it got crooked and kept ripping little useless scraps off. I slowed down and tried to observe my own behaviors, but it would have none of it. I kept tearing all these little pieces, then slowed it down and magnified. For a sec. Didn't work, was never going to pull it off. I tried using this utility knife, but wound up cutting into it too deeply. I then threatened to cut DEEP into it.
9 I eventually tried stretching it by holding it down with my shoe and pulling up over my head. Ever mess around with a window shade? Same thing.
10 I raised both hands over my head and shook it and then instantly chucked it under the sink and into the garbage. Enuff of that!
11 I then went to get my coffee and knocked the cup over. It had milk in it. While cleaning it up the sponge picked up coffee grounds and I dropped it on the ground. Ground coffee.
12 So now I had spilled milk which I REFUSED to cry over, and coffee grounds on the sponge and on the floor. I decided to use paper towels. The one last sheet that clung to the roll wasn't enough to clean things but the sponge had blue paint on it for some reason. So now I had a sponge with milk and coffee and a blue streak with coffee grounds wiping itself all over the kitchen.
13 I began psychotically screaming at all the inanimate objects. "YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BRAIIIIINNNNN!!! YOU ARE INANIMATE OBJECTS!!!!!!"
14 I finally threw in the towel, but it landed in the catbox.
15 So it goes.
16 Moving on: Now that I work off a laptop, I no longer have the teevee blaring behind me. I can now sit on a couch and watch teevee while I write the DN. The show that was on last night was called The Bachelor. It should have been called The Empty-Headed Ho's.
17 That show does more to explain the voting habits of the American public than all the sociology classes combined.
18 The entire plot revolves around this aw-shucks goober with money who is ISO wife. Sonething like six million beautiful-but-ridiculously shallow and money-grubbing wimmins compete to win the goober's heart.
19 The commercials have old men dreaming about money.
20 Well, it's Tuesday. The only good thing about Tuesday is that The Bachelor is an entire week away.
21 I'm just trying to figure a way outta here.
22 So the laptop is getting antsy, and some girl contortionist turned herself inside-out so that her head was coming out of her ass. She pulled this stunt to win the goober's heart.
23 I tried to write the producers but the pen fell out of the inkwell.
24 Ah well, guess I'll just have to wait on that one.
25 Tuesday.
26 Have a beautiful one, willya?
27 Peace.~H~ 
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