September 7, 2007
-
The Daily News
1 Man dude I wanna hit somebody.2 And the funny thing is I don’t even know why.
3 Just…blammo.
4 I went out last night for my every-five-years’ purchase of new shoes.
5 Your shoes just look up at you one day and say, “Uh…dude?”
6 So I just got irritated by everything. The shoes had collapsed on themselves, you know the way they do. I tried polishing them but I wound up with shoe polish outlining my shoe on the sink, as though it had been murdered.
7 Really it began with the shoelaces sometime last year. I got annoyed because shoelaces don’t work anymore. Minor peeve, but a peeve nonetheless.
8 It’s like, “DUDE, all you DO is make shoelaces, and every time I get new shoes the laces unravel incessantly. It’s two-thousand and fookin’ seven man! INVENT A SHOELACE THAT FOOKIN’ LACES SHOES AND STAYS ON A SINGLE TIE.”
9 I’m got SO irritated.
10 Anyway not only did the shoe polish get on the sink, but a cop coulda easily traced it back to my hands.
11 I eventually broke down and went to Targggey for new shoes.
12 You know how everyone nowadays calls Target “Targggey”, like it’s funny or something? Even I do it and I don’t know why. Pisses me off.
13 But as I said at the top of the show here, I just wanna hit somebody and I blame it all on that muggy weather.
14 I could just see me being interrogated by the shoe police.
15 “I hadda do it! IT WAS ANNOYINGLY MUGGY last night!!!! I CONFESSSSSS!!!”
16 I don’t do muggy.
17 It was muggy out, that’s all I know. My night started out something like this: some morons drove past me with some idiotic beat blasting out of their car, which was obnoxiously low to the ground. It was decked out with all kinds of strange lights and odd jewelry, dark windows. Total gangsta wannabes.
18 There was only one window you could see in, and that’s only because it was the one that was open, and had morons everywhere you could look. To top it all off, some guy’s voice kept yelling some stupid saying over and over, some repetitive beat, and he seemed to be shouting something that sounded remotely like “bitchgonnacome an’ do it, bitchgonnacome an’ do it” like around six thousand times. Irritating on a muggy night, like bad craziness.10 Had I been at King and Story I woulda had some respect, but these guys were spinning through a Targggey in Milpitas. I mean, dude.
11 I then moved swiftly into Targggey and got inside. It was close to closing time but the guy in there greeted me like I was King Farouk.
12 “Good evening, sir.”
13 Let me ask you this.
14 Is there a guy walking around who wants to be called “sir”?
15 Don’t answer that or I’ll hit you.
16 For that matter, is there a woman out there who wants to be called “ma’am”?
17 Isn’t that short for “Madam”?
18 I really don’t do muggy very well, as I said.
19 I don’t really wanna hit anybody.
20 I’m STILL a pacifist.
21 If someone came into my house and put a knife up to my grandmother’s throat, I’m quite likely to say, “Ah, go ahead.” That’s how pacifistic I am.
22 Pisses people off.
23 They always wanna kick my ass.
24 I’m always, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”
25 They never do.
26 I remember when I used to tell people I was a pacifist when I was younger. They’d ALWAYS bring up that grandmother scenario. “And you wouldn’t kick the guy’s ass…” they would chime.
27 I’d just get smug.
28 “Nope.”
29 Then THREE people would start all sorts of scenarios involving my parents, my family, my pets. And they’d ALWAYS say, “And you wouldn’t kick the guy’s ass!”
30 “Nope.”
31 I always loved it. I was truly a man of peace. Still am.
32 Pisses EVERYONE off.33 What I never tell anyone is that the reason I wouldn’t kick the guy’s ass is because he could probably kick my ass.
34 So I no longer wanna hit anybody.
35 I’ve calmed my shit down.
36 Hey, that’s not even considered wrong anymore.
37 People always tell other people to “calm their shit down”.
38 Anyway I calmed my shit down.
39 After all, I don’t want anybody to kick my ass.
40 Especially those imbecile wannabes. Besides, I’m a pacifist.
41 And now that I’m calm, and have achieved Nirvana and all for the evening, I believe I’ll go meditate on Gandhi and Lennon and Twain, and Thoreau, the Dalai Lama, Huxley, Einstein, and Jesus.
42 Peace.
43 Don’t hit anybody.
44 This’ll blow.
45 Have a great day.
~H~
