September 4, 2007
-
The Daily News
1 Well!2 Some scientists from somewhere have discovered that some ungodly amount of children are bi-polar.
3 What are the odds?
4 I know when I was two that I was stable and staunch as Lincoln.
5 These kids today.
6 The study claims that a significant amount of children can be hyper one second and completely dazed the next.
7 How much are they PAYIN’ these guys?
8 My mom used to just give me a lithium cocktail and put me to bed with a hammer.
9 These kids today, I tellya.10 I wonder how much they pay these scientists and doctors and all to discover that an extraordinary amount of children can go up and down, can scream and then can be gentle as lambs, can threaten and then ask earnestly, can be the Three Stooges one second and display the manners of the Queen of England the next.
11 The solution, they say, is to give them large quantities of pills.
12 Makes perfect sense to me.13 In some strange way, it also sort of explains the Queen of England.
14 I don’t know about many of you, but I’m thoroughly convinced I was the first TRI-polar kid ever. I used to try to plug my cat’s tail into the lamp socket, soaking wet.
15 He never lit up, but my mom sure did every time I’d try it.16 I remember once accusing her of being bi-polar. Four seconds earlier she had made me a grilled cheese. After she screamed at me about the cat and all, I just turned to her and said, “Mom, don’t you think you’re being a just a wee bit bi-polar?”
17 When she said, “Don’t get smart!” I followed her advice.
18 I never did. I was a very obedient kid.
19 Actually that’s a made up story, I’ll be honest with you.
20 They didn’t even have bi-polar when I was a lad. Wasn’t even invented yet. Adults weren’t that concerned about kids being kids.
21 When I’d be seeing if I could twist the cat’s head all the way around, they would say, “Ah, he’s just being a boy.”
22 The cat never appreciated that I was trying to make him fit better.23 I just assumed he was being crazy when he’d react inappropriately to my efforts.
24 Little guy.
25 I can see now that he was probably just being bi-polar and in need of pills.26 Kool-Aid used to do that. Make me bi-polar, I mean. I’m thoroughly convinced.
27 Because when I was a kid, you opened a pack of Kool-Aid and dumped it into a pitcher with the Kool-Aid guy on it. Then you’d add about eight tons of granulated sugar and a couple of pounds of ice.
28 It turned your teeth rotten, your eyes blue, and your entire psyche insane but DAY-UM it was good on a hot, sticky day. You’d go from hot and whiny to cool and zippy within milliseconds,
29 And after zinging and bouncing off walls and rooms for about an hour you’d crash land on your head and start screaming and wailing.30 Bi-polar bi-schmoler.
31 Anyway, I thought those researchers were pretty amazing coming to those conclusions about children. REALLY amazing for the pharmaceutical industry.
32 Good thing we live in 2007 where the majority of children running around now have something with a name.
33 It’s refreshing to know that there was probably something wrong with me that pills could have taken care of. I may have wound up “whack”.
34 That’s what the new bi-polar generation uses whenever it refers to someone who is a bit off. Like, “That guy is whack.” “This test is whack.” “Bush is whack.”
35 Hey. Maybe he just never received the benefit of having been diagnosed properly, and was therefore bereft of a Candyland of expensive pills that may have left him less whack.
36 Truth is, we owe a lot to science, and especially to people who can make some ready cash off our children.
37 Personally I think the entire thing is whack.
38 Peace and pills.
39 Have a great day.
~H~
Hope your day isn’t too whack.
