August 31, 2007
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The Daily News
1 So there you have it.
2 Week one of the DN.
3 A little O' this and a little O' that.
4 Ya nevuh know.
5 Well.
6 I began writing this diatribe last night about that dumb senator who keeps hollering to anyone who can listen that he's not gay.
7 Following that I went off on how the Tree People in Berkeley are right, but that Berkeley should be focusing on larger issues.
8 Then I got all opinionated about everything you can name, when it dawned on me:
"Dude, it's only the heat. Calm yo ass down."9 So I just hurled a stewpot through my kitchen wall and then settled in to a little humor.
10 I watched the Niner/Chargers game.
11 We have some quarterback who throws turtles downfield right into the jerseys of the other team. It was hysterical.
12 After a few hours of turnovers, I went over to my refrigerator because I began working out again, so I thought a big ol' guy like me could subsist on yogurt and this great little invention called Crystal light.
13 Around the middle of the third quarter I wanted to shoot an ox, drag it's big ass home and eat it right there.
14 Ever eat ox? Mmmmm. It's goooood.
15 That's always funny when people ask you if you've ever eaten something ridiculooos.
16 And they'll ALWAYS insist that it's good.
17 Just a second. I need to knock my dog on her ass.
18
19 Anyway, where was I?
20 Oh yeah. When people ask you if you've ever eaten ridiculooos things.
21 To wit: "Ever eaten muscrat? Mmmm. It's goooood. " <blurrrp!>
22 I actually ate kangaroo once, just so I could tell people I ate kangaroo. Ponch once looked at me with his goofy-ass look and screamed, "YOU ATE ROOO? MMMMMMTHASSSSGOOOD!"
23 Ah, those conversations inevitably end with someone joking, "Tastes just like chicken!" Which usually results in someone else blurting, "THEN WHY NOT JUST EAT CHICKEN MAN?"
24 Deep down, I guess we're all comedians.
25 My dog's okay by the way. I didn't really knock her on her ass. She just decided to bark about seventeen-thousand times so I really did wanna clock her, but ah, you know. She's really pretty sweet when she isn't taking chunks out of mailmen.
26 Hot enough for you?
27 My neighbor always says that, every single time it hits 100.
28 Hot enough for you?
29 What dude, your wife?
30 I'd better get outta here. The heat does funny things to the mind.
31 I love all you guys and apologize for this, I really do.
32 I've missed all of this.
33 You have a great three-day.
34 Live life, love life.
35 Peace.
~H~
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