August 28, 2007
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The Daily News
Boo.
1 Last night Mars was as big as the moon. Scientists predicted this like, around a million bajillion years ago. It finally came to pass. I don’t know about anyone else around here, but I for one was thrilled.2
3 Welcome back. I’ve missed sharing a whole lotta stupid with you this summer, so it’s time we did a bit of catchin’ up.
4 First off, that Mars story was revolving around for a few years. Even last year Mars was supposed to be as big as a pair of red baby cheeks in a lunar sky, but turns out it was a bunch of “boushit”.
(I might remind our readers that I once had a student spell the word “bullshit” like that. He was later socially promoted to little fanfare.) The story clearly was trying to sucker people into believing that last night’s lunar eclipse was Mars. Last year it was just plain trying to sucker people. Anyway, the Mars story circulated on Myspace bulletins all last week. Myspacers naturally believed anything they read. There is nothing new under the sun, or in this instance, the moons. So somewhere out there is a carload of Myspacers who are going to think Mars is around two feet away from them. 5 But really: it’s all boushit mang. Just a lunar eclipse.
<—— man, is it just me, or have emoticons gone South? This guy looks like Mike Tyson’s new girl.
6 Anyway, we’re back! It’s officially Back-to-School time when the DN makes its annual appearance from Mars proper.7 This year I went into my office, cleaned it, polished it, got all new binders and fresh paper, and everything in my office was clean as laundry sheets whipping in the wind. I even caught a few ants trying their chicanery early on and bombarded them with Raid.
8 Nope. I’m all over it this year, already. In fact, I completely polished down the office creating a sparkling work environment the other morning. Ah, it was a new dawn, a new bright day, a new season in the walls and halls of academia.
9 I opened the windows to let in some fresh air, rolled up my sleeves, and
with polish and poise stood ready to take on this new school year .10 Within seconds, this new guy I shall affectionately call Leafblower Joe
came at me with ha-UGE headphones on and what looked to be a catcher’s cup strapped over his nose. He wore glasses. You can’t be too careful.11 I was in the process of looking over my clean, white and tidy “To do” list when about four tons of dirt came through the top windows and plopped all over my desk. It was like something right out of the Simpsons.
12 I tried to clean it with a feather duster, which is akin to trying to use a dandelion on an elephant at the dumps.
13 Just wunnerful, wunnerful.
14 My weapon of choice in a sitcheeashun like that is the absolutely amazing Windex.
15 I first used Windex years ago to clean everything and anything that moved, but ceased when I saw it featured in this grand film called My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
16 So it sat for a few years until the heat died down, but last year I revived it when I was looking for a solution to the ant challenge.
17 To be honest, it never actually got rid of the ants, but it sure as heck cleaned up their red eyes. The stoner ants were quite grateful really, and laid off my Altoids for a day or so.
18 Anyway, I arrived safely after a summer of fires on Mars, idols walking into bars (a fond farewell to Bill Walsh, one of the truly amazing role models), life spinning out of control and then just as swiftly righting itself just as the lunar eclipse presented itself in all its orange and red splendor. The entire Universe seems in order as of right now.
19 Fear not; we should be spinning uncontrollably within days, so don’t get restless.
20 And the wind cries Mary.
21 Comin’ to gitcha.
22 We’re back. If ya don’t want the DN delivered to your home, lemme know. Otherwise just either read it over coffee and enjoy all this boushit, or simply push “delete”.
23 Either way, it’s great to be back. I hope we can make things a little more fun each day aswe put up with things spinning all about and around us.
24 Or at least I hope I can cause at least a mild spit-take over a nice cuppa coffee. At least that.
25 So yeah. The Big Bright Green Boushit Machine is back, and in great working order.26 Have a delightful day. And enjoy the moon, and the stars and the sky.
27 Celebrate. The DN is back in town.
28 Peace.
~H~
