May 30, 2007
-
The Daily News
1 Ah, those stupid whales are almost back in the ocean. They almost got there when one of them forgot her cell phone and headed back to Sacramento. Fortunately they have some swift Fairies who are helping them along.2 Pink! Blue! Pink! Blue! Pink!
3 Very big news. I didn’t mean anything bad when I called them stupid, they just are.
4 We all get into deep water sometime, and often go headed in stupid directions.
5 It’s all so deep.
6 Anyway, that was a whale of a story, and I think I’m gonna write a children’s book about this and cash in. Delta and Dawn. What’s that flower you got on?7 Moving on: Hey, I’m just yankin’ yer chain. I’m not REALLY gonna write a children’s book. But somebody will.
8 So Barry approaches one record, and Sammy Sosa approaches 600, and you’ve never heard it quieter.
9 Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
10 Sigh.
11 I decided to stop bitching about AOL for a day. It’s not totally their fault that my computer freezes. It just does. My dog has fleas. I can’t afford anything. We have a corrupt chimpanzee and a suitcase full of thugs running everything.
12 I just need something to grouse about. About which to grouse.
13 Moving on: How about cell phones? Perfect. Here go. My cell phone just stopped taking a charge. So I have a dead phone.
14 In strong winds it holds papers pretty nicely, but otherwise, it’s kaput.
15 I called Cingular last night, and they wanted to sell me an entire two more years of “service”. I hung up and hurled my phone into the bay. I never wanted one to begin with, and even wrote about it.
16 More often than not it’s pretty useless. And now I had bosses, gravediggers, Smilin’ guys, and soup beggars all asking me for my cell number. The other day I answered the phone because I couldn’t read who it was calling, and wound up having some guy berate me for basically not dropping everything I was doing to goof on HIS stuff. Uh…sorry man. Later.
17 I don’t have a phone, that doesn’t happen.
18 Plus since I have the eyesight of Mr. Magoo, I can’t really see who it is that’s calling anyway. And when it IS someone I want to talk with, with whom I want to talk, Cingular cuts out. Fewest dropped calls my ass.
19 So I dropped my call all right. Right into the fookin’ bay. Sayonara.
20 I figure I’ll break down and get another in a day or two, but right now with the computer and all the other little baby items I bitch about on a daily basis, I just don’t need to be bothered.
21 Of course, I’m also full of horse manure, so take all of this with tongue planted firmly in cheek.
22 I never DID understand that one.
23 I’m my own worst enemy.
24 Moving on, Part Dos: A friend of mine used to go into deep thought when his mother would say that to him as a lad. “You’re your own worst enemy! Now go to your room and you think about that!”
25 He used to tell me that when that would happen, he’d go down the hall, sit in his room, and think, “I’m my own worst enemy…” And he also told me that he could never figure out why. He thought he sorta liked himself, and was pretty darned well-adjusted. He’s just stare at the wall repeating that. “I’m my own worst enemy…”
26 That’s the difference between that guy and me.
27 I would have said, “I AM my own worst enemy…” and gone into remorses.
28 Catholic.
29 For a while I just thought it would be cool to tell people that I am an EX-Catholic.
30 You know, like you’re too cool to fall for all of that Hell stuff. Then you’d do one of those half-assed signs of the cross, just in case…
31 Another friend once told me, “Ex-Catholic? Isn’t that sorta like saying you’re ex-CIA?”
32 Yeah.
33 I got it.
34 Wednesday. Already. Ain’t that grand?
35 The sun is up. The sky is blue. It’s beautiful. And so are you.
36 Have a wonderful day. I’m gonna go to a Zen master and learn how to quit grousin’.
37 Peace.
~H~
