| The Daily News
 Roscoe L. Browne 1925-2007
1 So...Roscoe L. Browne walks into a bar.
2 Among other things, Roscoe was the voice of Babe.
 3 Awww... 4 Thanks Roscoe, for an amazing acting career. 5 Hats off to Roscoe for giving us a smile. I think we all could use a smile right about now, so here is the DN I had written the night before last. And yeah, it's a bit late today as well, unrelated. AOL just acted stupid again, and it's becoming a daily challenge that I don't mind battling. So sorry for the delay. I hope you can just sit back and enjoy a little fun from just the day before yesterday. Here is that DN, and it is simply going to be placed right into today's DN. 6 So here goes: I hope it can bring a bit of a smile to your day. It's just a story about buying a toothbrush. I offer it as a gift, so enjoy the ride. I had four items already written when I heard the news about Virginia Tech, so I was on number 4, and we'll begin there. Here ya go. Different, but the good ol' DN is right here for you. Enjoy!
"4 Last night I decided it was time for a new toothbrush, so I went to the only place any normal person would go for a toothbrush: Walgreens, the store that made buying last-minute dental needs famous.
5 It struck me funny that something as simple as a toothbrush could price-range from 99 cents to 159 bucks. That's around five bucks a tooth, and that's only if you have a full smile.
6 Now, I may just be an idiot, but really, I could see paying MAYBE three bucks for a toothbrush. There clearly ARE design differences, however slight. It seems, for example, that the more the end of the toothbrush bends, the more expensive the brush.
7 So laying down a buck for a clear red toothbrush that's long and straight is liable not to work as efficiently as if you pay the extra two bucks for that little bend and crook that shapes itself to the tooth. And if it has a little rubber pointer thingy at the far end, it's really worth shelling out all the extra money.
8 I also have a theory that the less something sounds like what it actually IS, the more expensive. So a "Dental Cleansing Station" is going to cost a PRETTY penny more than your standard 99 cent toothbrush.
9 I remember around five or six years ago I wanted to buy a luggage rack for the roof of my car. At Big Lots, they had a sign that said "Luggage Racks, $59". I was ready to shell out the money, but 1) I was at Big Lots, and 2) It identified what it was and did in two words. "Luggage Rack".
10 Well, I wasn't about to trust THAT with my vacation stuff.
11 So I went to some camping store, which by its very nature makes anything your buy around six bucks more. I looked around for a sign that said "Luggage Rack" but couldn't find one if you held a gun to my head.
12 I finally asked a helper if they carried luggage racks, and he looked at me like I torched his village, but appreciated the light.
13 I explained. "A luggage rack. You know, a thing you put on the roof of your car to carry all your stuff."
14 "Oh...duuude. What you're looking for is our carrier systems. They're over here."
15 The guy walked me through all the little aluminum bags of dried salmon and mashed potatoes, along the fishing area, past the kayaks and canoes, finally arriving in a corner of the store. He pointed to a box high up on a shelf.
16 "They're right up there. I can get it down for you."
17 "Ah...thanks, I'm fine." I replied, hoping he'd catch a hint and leave. He didn't.
18 I can't stand it when those guys wait around and annoy you. I just want to look, figure out if it's what I need, PRICE it, and then decide at my leisure. I couldn't pry him loose with a crowbar. He stood there staring like a pothead at a Pink FLoyd laser show, his mouth stuck slightly open and not moving anything but the music in his head.
18 "I'm fine. I'm cool. Thanks man."
19 He didn't get it, but eventually he got bored once he realized the music his head was bobbing to was some sort of Music from the Alps you might hear while standing in line for the Matterhorn. I was waiting for the guy to yodel.
20 He seemed just to sort of float off to annoy some fisherman with lures and feathers hooked to one of those pooshy green fishing vests. He wore a bucket cap with a big yellow fishing feather attached to the front. He and the store pothead walked away, and I was left alone to try to figure out the luggage rack.
21 I got on my tiptoes just to see the price under the box, which was huge, and had a picture of a luggage rack on it. I figured it would probably be a maximum of $150.
22 Wrong.
23 The price was $299. It didn't look too much different from the one at Big Lots.
24 For the life of me, I couldn't really see a huge difference, but the one thing that WAS different was what it was called.
25 It said on the box, "LUGGAGE CARRIER SYSTEM".
26 Aha!
22 By calling a luggage rack a "LUGGAGE CARRIER SYSTEM" and putting it in a camping store, they brought the price up to five times the price of the "Luggage Rack" at Big Lots.
23 I thought of hunting Pink FLoyd Guy down to ask what made THIS such a better piece of merch than the other, but by then he was talking fish talk with Fish Lure Guy.
24 Piecing it all together, I did notice that on one of the bullets describing the "LUGGAGE CARRIER SYSTEM", it said "Aerodynamically tested by NASA".
25 Well, I thought of just going back to Big Lots for the more conventional Luggage Rack, but somehow, I got drawn in. I also had a VISA card which told me that MY family DESERVED the best, and so I purchased the entire system.
26 I think I used it for around a year, and then sold the car, and the system with it.
27 It worked though. It sure held down my luggage, as well as an ice chest, a guitar, and even a tropical blender. And, in the event of weighlessness, we were all covered.
28 I can't help feeling that had I just bought the $59 luggage rack I would have had the same exact results, but you live and learn.
29 In terms of last night, I wound up plopping down the 99 cents and then I walked away with a perfectly functional toothbrush. The Dental Cleansing Station could wait for someone like Ryan Seacrist, or even that Ripa chick .
30 I'm content. And I still can throw out a great 99 cent smile.
31 Live and learn.
32 Peace. " 33 And now I'm back. 34 That's all. Thanks everybody.
35 Bring joy to someone today. Peace.
~H~
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